Anxiety over attainment

[QueenMabby]

This might not be the right place for this but hopefully someone can help.

DD is bright. Was G&T in primary school. Predominantly for English but also as a "gifted learner" as she picks up concepts v quickly etc.

Now in yr 8 she's at a selective school and academically at or v near the top in most things (PE excepted!!) with 140/141 across the board in her cat tests on entry.

But she stresses so much! Every little test or assessment gets revised for as if it were the ultimate exam and if she doesn't get top marks she feels like she's not achieving well enough and gets upset that her peers might be talking about her scores etc.

Homework takes ages because it all has to look perfect. A history poster had to be "aged" and tea stained and written in the "right" font and sealed with wax etc. then she gets stressed that she has so much to do and not enough time!

I try and tell her that the scores don't matter and that she doesn't need to revise as much but not sure what else! I don't want to tell her that she could happily waltz into all of these tests with no revision and still do really well as I don't think that would give her the right attitude either but I'm keen to de-escalate the stressing as I think it might get problematic further down the line. She got 91% in a maths test last term and cried. To me this is not healthy!

Any other parents of similar children have any words of wisdom? Her older ds is bright but not startling and v v laidback so this is all new. Thanks.

Hi, I have had one who also had very high standards. I agree with you it is not healthy and actually doesn't sert them up well for life as they are wasting a lot of effort on the final 5%, something that just isn't sustainable in work life really.

What else do they do in their life other than school? Can you spend more time doing other activities?

The only things I think that worked for us was laying out how much revision was the right amount and stopping when it was done, and constantly emphasising that what matters is working smart not just keeping on.

But if it is a competitive school - you have chosen that environment, so to some extent you are not going to be able to fight that. I did choose a lower-key environment for this reason.

If she enjoys the work / projects then its fine but the fact that she has anxiety around it, particularly that other students are talking about her scores is very unhealthy.

I wouldn't focus so much on trying to get her to do less work but rather her mindset. Has she been put on some sort of pedestal by her teachers / peers and now she feels trapped? Why would anyone talk talk about her scores? Is this the general culture of the school?

You are right to be concerned but the solution will depend on the root cause which you might need to spend some time exploring still. Best of luck

Thing is, she also does a lot of activities. She's a joiner and volunteers for all kinds of things. It never used to stress her out like this!

The school is selective but not hugely competitive - lots on developing growth mindset and mindfulness and being well rounded etc.

She does love to learn - is teaching herself a language they don't do in school and is studying how to draw anime characters etc but it's all very full on and outside of my experience really. She has lovely friends (although her nickname is Google because they can just ask her anything and she knows the answer!).

OP,

Having just come across this thread, from the perspective of a personal tutor and project supervisor at university I agree your DD is showing cause for concern. She reminds me of the students - observed to be mainly female in my field, for reasons no one really understands - who cannot accept that at uni 75% is an excellent mark. This can lead to severe MH problems. We see it every term.

In my experience it usually takes professional help to resolve this, and our students don’t seek it until they are in a bad way. It would be marvellous if you could interrupt DD’s problem sooner. The other things that sometimes work are discovering boys (or girls) or a period of spirited rebellion. Both fun but unpredictable. Best wishes

There is a lot to be said for coasting. And knowing how much work to put into each task to get the required result. But as others have said, you've put her into a competitive school and that ethos will rub off on her.
My dd1 always did just enough to get the results she needed. She did a couple of science gcses early( all the top set did) , did no revision which her teachers nagged her about and got A*. According to mumsnet wisdom now she's about to finish her dentistry degree she should have struggled cos she never had to revise for gcses and A levels, but she's been fine with having to do revision.
If I were you, I'd encourage her not to put so much into it, it may surprise her to find she does just as well.

When dh started his first job at McKinsey, his boss sat him down and said: I'm expecting 95% of you - if I see any work of you that you put 100% in, you'll get fired. The '95%' was gospel at McKinsey, as they knew that the last 5% are not economical, as the amount of extra time and effort is disproportionate to the increase of quality of outcome and thus can't be charged in full to the client. Try to make her understand that if she wants to be outstanding and get the best results, she needs to prioritise and learn time management, e.g. she could do the content of the poster but leave the finer points until after all her other homework is finished, and only do as much as she has time left - and never sacrifice sleep, rest and sports, as these are investments in her future performance.