How can we help DS not suffer at nursery?

[IsThisYourSanderling]

Ok at the risk of setting myself up for ridicule, I'm getting worried about how DS is going to cope with nursery, and I'm wondering how we can help him beyond what we're already doing.

I'm posting in here because his abilities are probably relevant and tied into areas where he struggles. He's 2.8 years old and we think he's twice exceptional (he's getting referred for dyspraxia assessment as soon as he's old enough, has sensory issues, and seems unusually bright - he is starting to read and decode words, and his numeracy is about level with a five year old according to the EYFS framework - counts in tens and twos, recognises numbers to 100, always doing basic sums up to 20: he loves numbers and letters so much, and always has).

Socially he's hopeless and not interested at all. He's very uncomfortable around children his own age. I take him to a regular toddler group, a regular class, and have regular play dates. He's particularly stressed out by the toddler group, which is the environment closest to how nursery will be: same age kids free playing and doing crafts, eating together etc. He gets overwhelmed by the noise, the environment just exhausts him and he's wiped after 90 minutes of it. He's calmer at play dates but won't actually engage with the other child/ren or their parents, just hovers around the edge and takes himself off to read when he's tired of it (I leave him to it, as I don't feel
Forcing him back out and causing a tantrum would be helpful. He comes back out in his own time). He doesn't play the same way as other children- no interest in cars, dolls, toy kitchens, real-life sort of play. Though he can play imaginatively, but it's more dragons and dinosaurs; he's never made me a pizza in his toy oven or bought anything from my 'shop'

This is possibly screaming ASD at some people, but I don't feel he is, and neither does our HV.

Anyway, I feel like he's not just going to dislike nursery, but really suffer there, unless we somehow help him. I wish we had an outdoor nursery or Montessori nearby but we don't. Our school nursery has one forest day, but the rest are all in the standard room full of kids playing, and he seems to find this sort of environment genuinely stressful.

Any tips?

He sounds very like my dd1. She was diagnosed with dyspraxia at just 2, asd just before 3rd birthday. She was obsessed by numbers but non verbal at this age so we were not fully aware of her abilities - at almost 4 when she finally got speech she could read properly, already write and do maths on paper. High functioning asd is just a way of looking at the world that's a bit different in my opinion, dd is at university now. It's just a label, it's doesn't matter what they call it as long as you get any support he needs

Ps dd attended in integrated special needs nursery (half sn, half typical)

I would look at daycare nurseries near you. Some I saw had a huge room for that age group and were very noisy, but others had many more dividers and a general air of calm despite being full of toddlers. Good staff should be able to let him play alone when needed and have a quiet corner to retreat to, but also assist with playing with others, following instructions, and all those social skills when he's able to. My ds has ASD and sounds similar to yours, but his nursery was wonderful for him (it later lost staff and wasn't so great - you need up to date views)

My dc was totally unsociable throughout nursery, but she actually liked the environment. Never interacted with other children though.
But the teachers were very helpful, they tried to pair up more mature, quiet child with her to do something, like read along with her, or draw along with her, not all the time, but occasionally.
Being at nursery did help in my dc's case. It made it easier to settle into school.

Small children often do act like this - play alongside other children rather than with them.

Learning to be with other children will help when he goes to school. Maybe look at Montessori - more structured sessions and the classes do seem less hectic and noisy! The children do enjoy it and there is a lot of learning going on.

Hyperlexia is diagnosed in the uk. I look after a little boy who has it. He's amazing but does struggle socially. He's doing fine at school. He's not massively interested in playing with his peers but does dip in and out when he feels like it and is well liked by his class mates.

I would choose a smaller structured environment for your dc if you can. Ideally a pre-school. I think it's really helpful to have this experience before they start school. He'll be used to setting, routines and rules and hopefully get to know some of the children he'll be starting reception with.

FYI, my dc has hyperlexia. It was not a problem at nursery at all. It's a only small part of what they do, most things they do is broad, more to get child ready for school and social environment.

Thanks all. He's getting referred for the probable hyperlexia and dyspraxia, which will be interesting. I'm also looking round the nursery next week just to see. I have a sense that I might send him hit the preschool year when he's near four, but perhaps not sooner, to give him a bit more time to develop. It feels like lately he's taken a huge step back with social skills and ability to cope in certain settings, and it's corresponded with a huge leap in reading and numbers. So Im hoping that now the leap has been leapt, he can start to get better socially again (perhaps...). The HV did just say that school nursery has a good record with ASD type kids, which is reassuring.

My DS was similar at that age and is now 4 and in a school nursery for mornings. His nursery are great with him and he has recently started to initiate appropriate interactions with other children independently of an adult (as opposed to an organised game or trying to treat a child as an adult).

He still spends most of his time on his own or with an adult and has opportunities to go to a quiet space or go for a wander with an adult.

He did have a lot of difficulty at the start but built up confidence and trust in a couple of the adults. One thing which helped was sending in his favourite book (like some children would have a blanket) so if it was getting too much for him he could sit and read about cars. Also gave the adults something to engage him in.

I'm almost feeling comfortable with him going up to school next year!

Oops sorry just noticed the rest of this conversation was in May!!!