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Gifted and talented

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Original poster

Son's behaviour not matching ability

21 replies

ManicStreetTeacher · 17/09/2018 17:09

DS13 has real ability in a particular subject but has just received his school report and is graded in that subject as 2 across the board for effort, behaviour and homework (1 is the best; 4 is the lowest).

I've explained how disappointing this is and all he can say is that he really likes the people in that subject class and wants to chat to them. To some extent I can understand this. He doesn't have many friends and what he's describing is people who 'get' him. However, I need some advice on how to encourage him to put the subject first. I'm also a secondary teacher (in a different subject) and I've given him short shrift so far ("you're there to work" etc.) but I'm concerned that this is falling on deaf ears. How do you all motivate/encourage/nudge your teens?

(Of course I had this all sussed when I was a teacher with no teenagers of my own...)

OP posts:
Believeitornot · 17/09/2018 17:10

What does his teacher say?

Lwmommy · 17/09/2018 17:14

Are these gradings to match ofsted so

Outstandi ng
Good
Requires improvement
Inadequate

If so then surely 'Good' across the board is a fine result that he should be happy with?

TeenTimesTwo · 17/09/2018 17:16

At our school 2 out of 4 is considered perfectly fine.
It is only 3 and 4 which are a cause for concern.

YogaPants · 17/09/2018 17:17

You seem to be hinting that he does well in this subject without putting much effort in.

Are you are looking at ways to get him to engage further to get the top marks? Being good at something can mean less effort is needed; hence 2s.

Does he get a chance outside of school to meet with this group that ‘gets’ him? Do they live close enough to do homework together?

continuallychargingmyphone · 17/09/2018 17:19

I think it’s over the top to be honest.

If he was getting 3, fair enough, but good is, well, good Smile

BackforGood · 17/09/2018 17:20

Is he achieving high marks / grades ? (as you say he is G&T)
In which case , why would he need to put in any more effort ?

He's not being disruptive and not missing homework, he is doing just fine.

hobblesma · 17/09/2018 17:27

I've explained how disappointing this is

How awful.

Original poster
ManicStreetTeacher · 17/09/2018 17:28

We live in Scotland so no, not Ofsted-graded.

OP posts:
viques · 17/09/2018 17:29

Your child is 13 not 3. He knows that chatting in class to the extent that it is damaging the way he learns is inappropriate. If he has problems with socialising then you need to intervene to support him, help him to find ways and means to meet up with like minded children out of class, could he ask if they can set up a lunch time meeting or a lunchtime club, set up something on social media, invite them to come over at the weekend, or after school. Teaching him options for developing his social skills will do far more for him than "motivating or nudging "him to improve his grading by one point to please his "disappointed " parent.

Original poster
ManicStreetTeacher · 17/09/2018 17:31

Yogapants - no, we all live over a large rural area, so no opportunities for meeting up. A good idea, though.

OP posts:
Original poster
ManicStreetTeacher · 17/09/2018 17:34

Ah, I see. Being disappointed that he's not making an effort is a bad thing. Okaaay.

OP posts:
hobblesma · 17/09/2018 17:41

Ah, I see. Being disappointed that he's not making an effort is a bad thing. Okaaay.

Wait a minute, I never said that. I said it was awful to TELL him you were disappointed. I mean you must know yourself, it's hardly encouraging.

Feel disappointed all you want, but don't use that feeling to try and improve your DC.

hobblesma · 17/09/2018 17:41

Ah, I see. Being disappointed that he's not making an effort is a bad thing. Okaaay.

Wait a minute, I never said that. I said it was awful to TELL him you were disappointed. I mean you must know yourself, it's hardly encouraging.

Feel disappointed all you want, but don't use that feeling to try and improve your DC.

Lwmommy · 17/09/2018 17:45

"Ah, I see. Being disappointed that he's not making an effort is a bad thing. Okaaay."

I dont think anyones saying that, just that without knowing how the grades are decided 2 could actually be a really good result.

I know my DDs school would have 1 being exceptional,.literally there is.nothing to work on, the best result possible and the teacher has to really be able to justify that to their senior management team.

continuallychargingmyphone · 17/09/2018 17:45

I get you want him to excel in it op and if it was his exams I’d agree. I just think too much pressure and demanding too much at this age can really lead to burning out and even rebelling.

WatcherintheRye · 17/09/2018 18:12

Bright + hardworking = top grades. You can't make someone bright, nor can you make someone hardworking. You can crack the whip, but they'll resent you for it forever. You'll have to accept that sometimes there will be children not as bright as, but more conscientious than your ds, who will do better than him.

He's doing well, but not as well as you want him to do, based on your assessment of his potential. I'm afraid you'll have to live with that or you will both be condemned to a school career full of stress and disappointment. If he's happily getting '2's, then it probably is because he's not working his socks off, but it doesn't matter. If he doesn't fit that mould, then no amount of nagging, cajoling or pleading will make him behave any differently. If there's a sudden light bulb moment when he decides he's going to shift up a gear, then it will come from him, not you, and you stand more chance of that happening if he feels that you believe in him, rather than that he's a constant disappointment.

Please don't try and make him someone he's not cut out to be. I'm speaking from experience, having now come to realise that studiousness is a character trait, rather than a behaviour choice!

user789653241 · 17/09/2018 22:26

Chatting in class, he needs to stop. But effort for work and homework, it's understandable that he doesn't get 1, if the work is too easy and not challenging enough. If he can do it so easily. it's impossible to put more effort in it. Maybe the teacher needs to set him more appropriate level of work for him to engage.

JustRichmal · 18/09/2018 07:40

I have a slightly older dd. My advice is talk to them and listen to what they have to say. Ask him if he thinks it is fair on the others who are trying to learn or to imagine how he would feel if he were the teacher faced with someone talking a lot while they try to teach. How does he feel about his friendship group? Does he feel he lacks confidence? Does he want to put in the work to get good results?
Other than that, I'm quite happy if dd gets 2s for effort. She is a little older and I encourage her still, but this is her GCSE year and so I have told her I expect her to revise, but I have stood back and let her get on with it. I find as she gets older, t is important to get her to take responsibility for her education. After all I will not be going to university with her and if she does not have the drive to put the work in herself, the academic life is not for her.

NellyBarney · 24/09/2018 13:47

Everyone will have different experiences, so it's hard to know what to do in a situation like this. As a child and teenager I always got 2s and even 1s without putting in any work. I never did any homework, skipped school (I had a 60% attendance record as that was the floor requirement to sit the final exams) and tried to behave like one of the cool kids. As a result I now have gaps in my knowledge and skill sets that I regret, and I still struggle with organisation and the general stamina required to put in the slog needed to excell continously in different areas. I now try to instill this kind of work ethic in my dcs who like me do absolutely fine without much effort because I think it's something you have to practice, something that has to become second nature and needs parantal encouragement (and a bit of pressure) to build up, especially because as a gifted child you don't experience the pressure of necessity most other kids experience. It's hard to just flip the switch later on, even if you want to, in my experience at least - but others might find it easier. Of course this makes me a hypocrite and I am running the risk of putting my dcs off learning all together, but I somehow doubt that's going to happen to a bright child.

tartanterror · 25/09/2018 21:20

Super bright with few friends. I’m assuming you’ve properly investigated autism? School will not notice if he’s easily making the grade but it’s the social behaviour and fitting in (or not) is where it will show up.

School told us our DS was definitely not on the spectrum - he was diagnosed on the NHS within a few months....

Lonecatwithkitten · 26/09/2018 17:25

I am in the 'disappointed' camp, I had exactly the same from my DD at 13. Low effort scores with comments about chatting on report cards. We spoke about it she promised it would stop.
Roll parents evening in March I had not stopped and there was one particular subject that it was being really disruptive. In front of the teacher she learnt just how disappointed I was and that I felt she was disrespectful. That I didn't care what other people did the only persons behaviour she could change was her own. This was year 8.
Year 9 maximum effort grades across the board on track for GCSEs, year 10 staff are really positive.
Short, sharp shock worked in this house.

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