Sibling Rivalry? - DS1 poss. Dyslexic & DS2 poss. mildly G&T

[artichaut27]

Hello,

I have two sons who are built completely differently when it comes to learning academically.
DS1 is 6 and half (in Yr1) and although he's in expected for reading, has to put a lot of effort. His handwriting isn't great. He has SALT for a lisp, and he's on waiting lists for dyspraxia (mild) and possible Auditory Processing Disorder. Learning is hard work for him but everybody says that he tries really hard. Which doesn't seem fair, because he's so bright in other ways.
His school knows me because I have to make sure that while waiting to be assessed, he gets the right support.

DS2 just turned 4 and he's reading at blue level and does well at early maths. He learns with incredible ease and we've been discussing grammar yesterday for example. Nothing seems to put him off.
He will go to reception in September.

So I had to ask the head teacher if he will have to learn collectively things that he already knew. She was reassuring and said they work in abilities group.
Now head teacher seems worried about the possible dynamic between the two boys and asked how DS1 felt about his brother's abilities.

It's hard to know because DS1 lives on a different galaxy (creative, imaginative, daydreamer) and pretty unaware of things at times.
I know that DS1 is making tons of progress at reading now that his brother reads and he challenges himself to higher levels of ORT books to make sure his brother doesn't catch up with him. This maybe the main manifestation of sibling rivalry that I'm noticing. But I may be missing other things.
The head teacher went all serious and said that we had to make sure to keep an eye on this for DS1's sake.
I felt bad, and I'm worried that the head teacher thinks I favour DS2 because he seems more able. Which is really not true, but might be what I sounded like.

Anyone with similar scenarios? How do you manage it?

I think me and my sister were similar. Although I didn't have any sen, I wasn't naturally bright but hard worker. And my(2 years) younger sister was naturally bright.
I heard a lot about my sister being praised by teachers at school, but it made me proud. But she was also a day dreamer and got into trouble, so I felt protective of her too.
I think my parents weren't pushy at all and that helped a lot. I actually never really seen her study at all but she was always getting top grade. I loved studying and managed to get enough reward for hard work, so it didn't bother me so much. We have totally opposite personality, so we were fine with each other regards how we did at school.

I had this with two of my boys, older is creative and great at art, but academically not stellar. Younger doesn't have a creative bone but is incredibly good at maths. I recall having to stop teaching 7 year old ds his tables in the car as younger ds would shout out the answers (at just 4).

The way we have tried to handle it (not entirely successfully) is to always talk about everyone having different brains and different talents, whilst you older DS find maths trickier than your brother, on the other hand, you find writing stories and drawing much easier than he does.

To be honest elder DS does still have a bit of a chip on his shoulder about it. Luckily younger ds is a kindly soul and it would never occur to him to crow about it, but if he did it would be swiftly stamped out.

Same here too. My sister wasn't a person to brag about how clever she was, she was almost unaware of it.

We have similar. DS1 could read before he went to school, breezed through primary. Excellent SATs, G&T at secondary school and currently doing A levels.

DS2 struggled all the way through primary, had Dysgraphia and ADHD and wears glasses. I cried recently when despite us always calling out their different strengths when he was recently diagnosed with moderate unilateral hearing loss and given a hearing aid, he said “why is it me? X has nothing wrong and I’ve got everything, it’s not fair” He’s right, it’s not fair but he has other talents and his brain works differently but as a teenager it’s hard.

I get accused by DS1 sometimes of favouring DS2 but it’s jusst that he needs different support and the expectations.

Thanks irvinonehone I find your experience interesting in the sense that you took pride in your younger sister. My sister was perfect in my parents' eyes (gifted at chess), but I was happy for her. After all, she didn't choose to!

Oldbirdy thanks I relate to your times table in the car anecdote. I have to stop asking them questions collectively because 4 year is quick as a whip and it's tough for DS1. I'm also planning on playing DS1's strengths, i.e. storytelling and problem solving. Also I'd like to plan activities where they can both bring their sets of skills, although it's not always easy to get them both on board.

2gorgeousboys I really sense the unfairness of it too. I'm in touch with 7 professionals for my oldest. It's painful to bring him to these professionals and having to explain his ''challenges" in front of him. Oddly, he doesn't seem to realise and seems pretty oblivious which is lucky, for now at least. His hearing is ok, but the suspected Auditory Processing Disorder makes me think he doesn't pay attention naturally if he doesn't to tune in.
He has a wonderful imagination though!

It's very interesting that me and my sister had opposite children too. I have a child who is very able at maths(but possibly 2e), and she had child with learning difficulty.

irvineonehone the mysteries of genetics, huh!
My youngest (DS2) in his early abilities reminds me of my sister who asked and started to play chess at age 4. My DS2 sat at the kitchen table a month before turning 4 and asked to learn maths! But somehow I’m prepared to it as I had seen it with my sister who was 11 younger than me. It’s like history repeating itself in a different generation.
I’m possibly dyslexic and my DS1 is possibly dyslexic too.
Puzzling!

Yes the genetics are a mystery. Both my parents were good with numbers. Although we weren't bad at it, both me and my sister didn't inherit it. It skipped generation and came to my ds. But also he does remind me of my sister, for being day dreamer and having a photographic memory.

I have exactly the same issue. Dd is 8, in the gifted range as it turns out but dyslexic so achieving very averagely at school. She is clearly very bright when you talk to her. Fantastic problem solver, hugely creative, brilliant understanding with just a very mature view of the world. She's also an exceptionally talented singer.

DS is two years younger, top of his cohort of 60 for reading, maths, science etc. Very bright and quick but not anywhere near as creative as DD. I guess he's your stereotypical academically "gifted" student in many ways.

Neither of them have an edge over the other , they just have skills and aptitudes in very different areas.

However, I know DS's education will be far less damaging and bruising than DD's. He is the kind of child who will do well anywhere.,Dd on the other hand is at a considerable disadvantage. She is a bright kid with so much to offer and yet most of her abilities are totally overlooked and undermined. The school system hasn't been created to play to the strengths of kids like her. It's an exceptionally bad fit and that's already having a significant impact on her self-esteem. The cards are just stacked against her. It's very sad.

In her case we've found a local independent school with very good support for dyslexic pupils that can really play to her strengths.

DS will be staying at our local primary where he's very happy.

My only advice really would be to have your older son assessed at the earliest opportunity. The diagnosis itself has been incredibly beneficial for DD and I kick myself for not doing it earlier.

chickenmayhem Thanks a lot for your message. This does sound very similar. Does your DD realise/care that her brother does "better" (at least academically)?

I can't say that DS1 is gifted or/and talented, as he's a bit of a space cadet. School always seems to be suddenly surprised at how imaginative he is. He has a very good imagination for stories, characters, machines, plots and understands the grammar of narrative very well. Unfortunately, his literacy skills let him down. He can't write well and reads averagely compared to his obsession for books. The other thing that comes naturally to him is science esp. biology. He's always been very visual, (and extremely curious and inquisitive) and the school system is not really designed for kids like him. Which as you say is very sad.

He's been in a smaller school and class since February (he was bullied in the local big Ofsted Outstanding school). His new school's ethos is to nurture individuality and they are very lovely with him.

We are too planning to send him to the local independent school in YR3. They have great facilities for Design & Technologies, and seem to take learning styles more into account in their teaching approach.

Have you read Linda Silverman and Ronald Davis? I found Silverman very useful to understand DS1's strengths and challenges. She also explains that some kids just bloom in their teenage years.

Some kids just don't fit in at school esp. primary years, but later on at school and work/socially they find their "groove' and also their 'tribe'. Your DD will appreciate her 'creative family' even more once she finds it. I felt like an ugly duckling for a long time. I couldn't find my place anywhere. I only started doing well at university!

My DS2 is as you say the academically bright one. The ease with which he learns seems unfair, but that's "his thing", he thinks in letters and numbers. At three, he was obsessed with letters and they were part of his pretend play. He's still quite quirky, very possibly the influence of his kook of a brother.

They are very different in abilities but they are each other's best friend and they have the same wacky sense of humour!

I think I will get him tested privately in October when he turns 7. I don't seem to get anywhere through the school system.

Yes, to be honest it didn't bother her until about year two. I think at that stage they start to become more aware of their peers and siblings and the differences between each other. I also think girls are perhaps more likely to compare themselves to others, so you might not get it to the same extent. It's more of an issue at school than between them. I think school is very much set up to heap praise on the bright kids, even when it's not that overt. Dd was, very wrongly, labelled as lazy by her school which couldn't have been further from the truth. She works her socks off to do well but doesn't always get results. She sounds similar to your son in that she's very imaginative, a bit of a dreamer and a space cadet at times!

At home I just try to praise them for their individual strengths so it's not as bad for her as the school environment I don't think. I think her diagnosis has made a massive difference to how she views herself and her abilities and I'm really glad she has that now that her brother is taking over in some areas.

I've never been diagnosed but I am certain that I am dyslexic too along with my brother, Dad, aunty and niece. I was very similar to my daughter at school and as you've mentioned above, did incredibly averagely before later flying at sixth form and through university. Those members of my family who are affected have all been pretty abysmal at school before going on to do very well so I do have a lot of hope for her. It's just a case of getting her through school intact. I don't think the current system does any favours to dyslexic children at the moment. It seems far more brutal than it was in my day.

Also, my experience of getting an assessment is that most schools are very reluctant to do it. I think it's largely a funding issue but also that I just don't think many schools are particularly knowledgeable about dyslexia. Unless you have a child that's scrapping taking the bottom attainment wise, they aren't going to be a huge priority for additional support. Ours cost £300 and it was probably the best £300 I've ever spent. Good luck with it. I hope you manage to get some answers soon x

They do sound very similar to be honest . Dd is very sciencey, loves animals, plants, biology etc and also loves books and stories but struggles with fluency when reading. My dad was exactly the same and despite being unable to spell for toffee, managed to become a Doctor.

DS had the same number and letter obsession too, ha ha!

chickenmayhem In a way, it's good that you suspect you are dyslexic too, and you understand what she is going through. It can be painful as a mum to see history repeat itself, but you've acquired skill and wisdom that will hopefully serve her.
I just got a Speech And Language Report for my son. We already knew he had a lisp, but now it points out that he has severe difficulties in Auditory and Verbal Working Memory. It is a symptom of dyslexia so it might be another check on the checklist.
It has definitely given me more motivation to get the assessment done! Schools don't seem to like it either when you go private, escaping the rigidity of their system!

Just saw the message about your dad and science. That is incredible.
My husband’s uncle is dyslexic and a biochemist. He only started ‘getting’ school when he was a teenager when he found the right teacher.

DS2 spelled with his spaghetti on the table tonight! It is a strange obsession! I did google ‘hyperlexia’ when he was 3. 😀

I think dyslexia and having an aptitude for science is quite a well known phenomenon. I think it might be to do with having a wider view of the world and an understanding of how things link together. I know a very well renowned ecologist who is dyslexic and says it's quite common for great scientists to be dyslexic.

Yeah the number and letter obsession is a bit weird at times, ha ha!

My sister who is the one none dyslexic sibling in my family taught herself to read from a packet of cornflakes at three !

chickenmayhem Have you read "A Whole New Mind' by Daniel H Pink?
It's about how 'right-brainers' are taking over the world. Feel good pop-science.

My younger sister and I were about that age when we started learning the violin. Together- because my sister was desperate to learn, and I assumed that I would do so too. Despite being rather tone deaf. But we always did lots of things together, she'd always been able to keep up. I'd been profoundly deaf until about 4 due to glue ear, then had a bit of speech therapy to start me off. At just 2 she'd looked at the sheet of pictures I was practising and said "that's not a lamp, that's a flashlight".

Music absolutely was something we were able to do together; you might like to look at Suzuki method teaching as your older child could do very well with delayed music reading , and thus it could be something they can achieve more evenly. Our music didn't really separate out until a convenient broken arm on my part at 12 ...

But actually, doing things together was a real feature of our childhoods up to my mid-teens. We didn't have the disadvantages of dyslexia but you may find your children can enjoy being able to share learning and experiences without it being an ability contrast.

they won't think you favour one over the other but it is great they are thinking of the other side to it all. my two are probably same intellectually at a guess but the elder one has borderline a lot of things which make life difficult for her. her younger sister does overtake her with things because they are close in age too which doesn't help. unfortunately there really isn't much we can do. all we can do it make sure both girls know they are both clever, they are both hardworking and one of them has some things counting against her which means she won't always be able to demonstrate it. end result they both get on with it. younger one doesn't rub it in, elder one tends not to be hurt by it. I am trying to teach her to be proud of who she is and what her problems are that make her unique. in reality she probably works a lot harder whilst the younger one coasts. as a result she will probably go further!