Only 100% is good enough

[LetItGoToRuin]

Is anyone else’s able child struggling to handle the high expectations set by their teachers/classmates?

DD says her classmates rejoice when they equal or better DD’s score in a test, and they are pleased when she gets something wrong. She’s also said the teacher refers to her as ‘clever’ in front of the class, which she finds embarrassing.

She’s in Y2 and is doing the last of her KS1 SATs today. Before school she said she hoped she could get 100% on her SPAG test today or the teacher would be disappointed. She went on to say that her teacher has marked the first reading test and told DD she expected her to have got full marks but she didn’t achieve this – but the teacher told her that there is a chance to redeem herself on the second reading test…

We try to praise effort rather than attainment, but the attitude from school is wearing DD down. It seems perfection is expected, therefore all she can do is disappoint. She’s a 7-y-o child, not a machine!

Does this resonate with anyone? How do you address this?

Have a word with the teacher. The teacher should not be doing that. Tell your DD that is fine to make mistakes.

I think that children often find a way to put pressure on themselves. Have a word with the teacher first, I suspect her words might have been interpreted by your DD, or taken too literally, instead of a really casual and encouraging remark the teacher has said.

DS is G&T in maths but puts no pressure upon himself to be 100% correct - however I sometimes joke around and say things like 'what do you mean you got 19 out of 20? I expect 20 out of 20 next time!' all joking really, he thinks it's funny. But it would be easy for a child to misinterpret what the teacher has said.

Since I wrote that post two class parents have mentioned that their children were told to practise this or that, only a day or two before the SATs, and one child was ‘told off’ for having missed a question. It seems that the teacher has been struggling to handle the pressure of the KS1 SATs, which is a great shame. I don’t think meeting with the teacher would achieve much, although if I get a general opportunity to feed back over the SATs process, I will mention something at that stage.

DD knows it’s fine to make mistakes, although she is a typical bright child in an ordinary school that used to getting good results and is starting to expect it. We are watching out for signs of perfectionism and a reluctance to take risks, and she works hard at a couple of hobbies at which she doesn’t excel but enjoys.

Each teacher has their own strengths and weaknesses. The Y2 teacher is results-driven, and is reputed to favour the bright kids. DD has therefore been fully occupied in class, unlike in Y1. We’re grateful for this, on the whole, and we can keep up the pastoral support for another half term. Apparently in Y3 they learn nothing but are all made to feel good about themselves!

Does you DD always get 100%? If so, maybe she has set these expectation for herself?

Our school told the Challenge students (gifted and talented) that if they were not making mistakes they were not challenging themselves enough and wouldn’t learn because they would be afraid/paralysed by fear of failure.

DD has got 100% in all weekly spelling tests so far. Occasional mistakes in other things though.

Brown, I do worry about fear of failure, but it's difficult to challenge yourself in spelling tests if even the top group in Y2 are only tested on Y2 level spellings.

I have a Y2 child who is extremely bright and I have had to keep asking for harder and harder homework for her. When she got maths homework that she had to ask me about (she wasn't sure how many ml were in a litre) she was very upset because she'd been used to being able to rattle off the answers within a minute. We also pitch it that if she's getting them all right with no input, she's not learning anything but it is hard when she's used to sailing through things. The other children (and parents) often comment on her being the 'clever one' but I don't know whether this comes from comments at school or whether they just notice - she's in extension groups for everything and often works with the year above. They don't do sats (private school) but have been doing end of year assessments but it's not helpful for the teacher to be putting that level of pressure on her. Unfortunately I think you will just have to do your best to counteract that message at home.

I have grinned reading this. My 12 yr old was saying only the other day, he doesn't understand why his classmates always saw him as the clever one, even back in year 2 - he feels at that point it was reasonable that the teachers knew he was bright, but can't see why his friends would have known. I didn't really know what to say!

Strax – did the teacher give harder homework when you asked? DD hardly gets any homework and it’s never challenging, but she’s young so we’ve just let her do the easy work. I did mention on the feedback form after her last report that the spellings have never had to be learnt, but nothing has changed (which is fair enough as they’ve been concentrating on SATs until recently). On the whole, I’m grateful that she is well occupied in class and homework doesn’t impinge on her extra-curricular activities and play time.

Grass – it’s not easily hidden at school, and a young child will not be fully aware of the impression they make on others!

Interestingly, DD has recently made friends with the new girl next door, who is the same age as her but has had a complicated start in life and is in a special school and barely reading at aged 7. They have played together at least a dozen times but I don’t think DD is even slightly aware that her friend is lagging behind academically. I wonder whether the friend can see the difference – or even if there might not be much of a difference, if the friend is intrinsically bright – but I’m fascinated that neither appears to have noticed anything. So far, they have played imaginative games in the garden, so reading has not come into their play routines.