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Gifted and talented

Talk to other parents about parenting a gifted child on this forum.

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Original poster

Should I send my dd's to differents schools - private and state?

79 replies

greenbean100 · 15/05/2007 12:00

My eldest is about to start reception in September. I have been told she is gifted (she is on oxford reading tree level 9 - finds it easy and can do sums with double digits etc).

We can not afford to send both our girls to a private prep school - but, could scrape by sending just one. Our other daugher is just 2 and is all togther a very different person - average intellegence but full of fun and very social.

I am having a moral dilema as to whether it would be fair to send the eldest to a prep school which would suit her well and where I know she would really benefit developmentally from a small class size and send her sister to the local state primary (which has a good ofsted)but has large classes.

Has anyone done this? Did it work out? Was one jealous of the other - or is it possible build the right relationship between the two siblings that it really doesn't matter? Any advice welcome.

Greenie

OP posts:

scienceteacher · 15/05/2007 13:04

speccy,
The private schools get the vouchers because the parents have to pay for every penny that goes to the running of the school. There are no handouts or grants available.

chicaguapa · 15/05/2007 13:05

DD is in reception and in top 2% on g&t scale. DS is 2.5 and has a completely different personality, like yours he's sociable & fun so I understand where you're coming from. This has also lead me to wonder the same thing about sending them to different schools.

When I have voiced this to my parents and in-laws I have been told to put the individual child's needs first and if one school's better for one child to sent them there. However, I am inclined to disagree with their pov and wouldn't pay for schooling for one and not the other.

I am also not convinced that a private school would offer DD anything she wouldn't get at the state school. She's doing really really well where she is and is rounding off nicely. She now talks to strangers and is beginning to be friendly and sociable.

My dilemma is when they both go to secondary school as we have a grammar school nearby with an entrance exam. What if DD got in and not DS? But I'll have to cross that bridge at the time and I think it'll come down to how we as the parents deal with it.

beckybrastraps · 15/05/2007 13:06

Sometimes I do feel that 'very social' is a bit like saying someone has 'a lovely personality'. It's the booby prize really isn't it? Not that being sociable is in any way undesirable, just that where two children are labelled 'the clever one' and 'the sociable one', both will be in no doubt that that means 'the clever one' and 'the not-so-clever one'.

beckybrastraps · 15/05/2007 13:09

Clever and sociable are not mutually exclusive...

beckybrastraps · 15/05/2007 13:11

And neither are stupidity and misanthropy.

ahundredtimes · 15/05/2007 13:12

no beckybrastraps, you're right, but I think in fairness greenie was just wanting to establish how much she should do to meet the needs of dd1, without wanting to sound like she was writing off dd2. It's a communication thing.

ahundredtimes · 15/05/2007 13:14

In my experience, most misanthropes very clever, but not sociable, whereas stupid people sociable and not misanthropic. See. Whole new personality types to be made here.

chicaguapa · 15/05/2007 13:22

In my experience the effect of being g&t on DD's personality is that she's very unsociable, finds it difficult to relate to other people and is generally hard work in that area. So by noting that DS is sociable and fun I am not assuming that he's going to be stupid but I am making the assumption that he's not going to be as extremely bright and be on the SEN register at school. Just simply more rounded which I would say is the ideal anyway.

Clever and sociable are not mutually exclusive but in cases of extreme cleverness something has to give and it's usually social skills - IME anyway. So this is maybe why I and other people note another child's capacity to be sociable.

Quasi · 15/05/2007 13:28

greenbean would be far better off putting her money into educating dd2 privately. If her dd1 has anything about her at all, she will be fine in a state school.

chicaguapa · 15/05/2007 13:36

I agree that at the end of the day a bright child will pass all her exams in whatever school he/she goes to. But their attitude to learning is at stake. DH & I coasted through school but I'm not sure if it would have had a positive effect on our lives if we'd been pushed harder at school. We haven't amounted to much but are both happy and comfortable. Although he is capable of more, DH doesn't have a fantastically clever job but it pays enough for me to be a sahm.

So does coasting through school = a lack of ambition/ ability to work hard at something? It does seem a bit hypocritical to feel we need to challenge DD when I know we could leave her to have an easy ride and still get her exams.

coffeepot · 15/05/2007 13:45

Obviously it will depend on what schools you have available locally ? state and indpt, but if it helps my dd was like yours at 4. A self taught reader already on chapter books, and competent with numbers. She was a little shy. I chose the local state primary because it was important to me that she went to school in her own community ? at least to start with. She has flourished socially and academically. She is self motivated, popular and happy. TBH I think she would do well at any reasonable primary and I think it is the less well motivated and less academic children who tend to suffer in the state system. Dd is in a class of 30 but is not lost and has developed good relationships with all the teaching staff. We?re monitoring the situation and would go private if state wasn?t working, but I would say give the state school a go and see what happens.

beckybrastraps · 15/05/2007 13:56

I disagree.
About the social skills and intelligence thing.
And about 'something having to give'.

I suspect there are ways of thinking that lend themselves to ability in particular areas, social and academic, and perhaps that is what you mean with your dd. I think it is true of my dh, and possibly my ds as well.

But surely there are many different abilities which make up 'intelligence', and making a prediction about that based on social ability seems unreliable to me.

hana · 15/05/2007 14:01

I def woudln't be plannign to send only one child to a private school ( and how can you say your 2 year old is of average intelligence and therefore isn't private school material.....who knows what they will be like in 5 or 10 years time )
My husband went to a private secondary schoool - only sibling of 6 to hvae been given the opportunity, and there is great resentment still tdoay
don't do it

and I dislike the assumption that if you have s smater child they should attend a private school - there are some great state schools out there catering for bright intelligent pupils

mimsum · 15/05/2007 14:50

We will possibly be in a similar position but with much older children in a few years' time. DS1 who's 10 is going to an independent secondary in September - lots of different reasons, but basically we didn't think he'd cope in the local, very large, partially selective comprehensive. Ds2 is 7 and dd is 4 so plenty of time yet before we have to worry about secondary school for them but already we've had people uttering dire warnings about having to be prepared to do the same thing for all 3. However, they are all very, very different characters. When I went round ds1's new school I couldn't imagine anywhere that would suit him better, but I don't think DS2 would be happy there at all. They are both very bright (on g&t register as well as having statements for SEN), but enjoy completely different things - ds1 can't wait to get away from his classmates, but ds2 has lots of local friends and is not at all sporty, is much more compliant about doing homework etc so it might be that the local comp is perfect for him - just don't know yet. And as for the 4 year old, she's far too young to make any predictions at all!

fwiw, I was reading completely fluently at 3, but was certainly no genius later on - I still love reading though

kslatts · 15/05/2007 15:16

I would never consider private school for one and not the other, I have always made sure both my dd's have had the same opportunities. My dd2 is able to read really well, she is in Reception. She is doing well at her state school and they have recognised her ability in reading.

babygrand · 15/05/2007 15:31

We live in an 11+ area. One of my dds will sail through the 11+, the other will undoubtedly not pass. Therefore we will pay for the second to attend private school, but can't really afford to do it for both. The first will be fine wherever she goes.

Incidentally, my sister went to private school and I didn't. Certainly never crossed my mind to be jealous of her. Later in life it is obvious to me that her life is more successful because of better opportunities which started with schooling.

beckybrastraps · 15/05/2007 15:50

"Incidentally, my sister went to private school and I didn't. Certainly never crossed my mind to be jealous of her. Later in life it is obvious to me that her life is more successful because of better opportunities which started with schooling."

It might not have crossed your mind then...

Elasticwoman · 15/05/2007 16:15

A private school is not necessarily any better for a gifted child than for an average child. The state school should have a policy for G & T children and you should ask to see it, and ask how they are going to stimulate and support your G & T child. That is, if you have any idea at all of sending her there.

We have a G & T child, and private education is out of the question as far as we are concerned. But if she were educated privately, I don't think she would have gone on the special G & T summer school last year, and I don't know whether she would have been able to belong to the National Academy for Gifted and Talented Youth (NAGTY) which exists for the 11 - 19 age group.

babygrand · 15/05/2007 16:40

Exactly, Becky, that's what I meant. As children it didn't cause any problems between us. (We still get on fine - but I can see that our lives have gone different ways and attribute it partly to that.)

babygrand · 15/05/2007 16:41

ie if I could give even one of my children that opportunity, I would.

wychbold · 15/05/2007 18:01

Elasticwoman: NAGTY membership is available to the top 5% of children. Full stop.
They have managed to avoid any attempts at social engineering and stay focussed on the kids' needs. It doesn't make any difference if you are state-, private- or home-educated.

ShrinkingViolet · 15/05/2007 18:47

one of DD1s friends is at a selective grammar where they don't put anyone forward for NAGTY as apparently all their pupils are in the top 5% - if the school doesn't know about/put pupils forwards for NAGTY, it's quite unlikely that parents will find out about it themselves. PLus it's got even more difficult in the past year or so for home educated children to become members, despite assurances that they wouldn't be ignored.
Summer School is brilliant though, especially for those children who don't have an academic peer group at school. DD1 had a ball at Warwick last year.

ScummyMummy · 15/05/2007 19:00

No. You should not do it. You will emotionally cripple them both. Imo.

ScummyMummy · 15/05/2007 19:00

potentially

motherinferior · 15/05/2007 19:04

Oh and do stop assuming that private automatically means superior.

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