How do I support DD socially as she goes into secondary? Worried

[LaSourciere]

DD is going into secondary in Sept., her primary and secondary are part of the same large school (3-18 years).

A few months ago, the head of the secondary called is in to discuss the problems she might face given that she is isolated in her primary class, does not have real friends and is often alone in the playground. This revelation came as a complete shock to us. DD is a very quiet introvert but we thought she had friends (lots of kids coming to birthday parties etc) but the head was adamant.

Her take on it was that DD was struggling socially although doing well academically. Her suggestion was to get an education psychologist do see her and assess her.

This we did. And the results came back to say she is a well balanced, thoughtful little girl with an IQ of 147 and a reading age of 16 (as well as some other measures whee she scored highly).

We sent the report to the head and then had a second meeting with her at which point she seemed more excited about the IQ score than discussing the purported social issues.

Anyway, DD is happy to be going into secondary, does not complain of having no friends, seems pretty balanced to me. But secondary can be more of a shark tank than primary.

What would you recommend to support her socially during the transition?

Thx

Nobody?

If she is a very quiet introvert, have you read this book? www.amazon.co.uk/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0141029196?tag=mumsnetforum-21
There is also a good book by the same author for your DD to read- Quiet Power.
I really recommend these if you are raising an introvert in a world where being happily quiet is seen as a flaw which needs fixing.

As the head of the secondary school has called you in, then your DD's perceived problems must have been flagged by her primary school. Have the primary school ever discussed this with you? You say that she is a well balanced, introverted and academically gifted, and says she herself is not worried by the transition to secondary school. Being part of a social network is obviously desirable, but some children do not need or require a group of close friends, and can be quite happy being friendly with the rest of their class, without necessarily needing 'best friends.' When she starts secondary, can you persuade her to join any lunchtime or after school groups she may be interested in?
It sounds as if the head of the secondary school is very competent, as he/she has taken the trouble to discuss your daughter with you before she joins the school, to presumably minimise potential problems in the future.

Thanks for the responses.

The whole way through primary, this issue was. Ever flagged to us. Hence our shock.

We even then went and had a meeting with her current teacher to check and she said she knew DD was quiet but saw no sign for concern and was actually surprised that the head had asked for a psychiatrist's involvement. It was all rather puzzling.

Just ordered tray book, looks v useful. Thanks.

I am a gregarious type and I must concede it feels odd to have such an introvert in the family.

The secondary school must have had info from the primary. I would be asking the primary head why.
Your daughter will have more opportunity to meet like minded friends at secondary

I agree the info must have come from primary but it seems to have been amplified by the head. The current teacher said she had no concerns.

But all that being said, we are glad to be alert to this potential issue and would love tips to support her.

Don't stress about her fitting in as that will worry her.
Talk to her about how exciting all the new subjects will be.
Does she know anyone in her class? Are there any clubs she can join?

About 80% of her primary class are moving up to the secondary, so she will be with kids she knows.

Clubs is not really an option as the school do not offer extra curriculars (we are in France, so D.C. have Wednesday afternoons off school to pursue activities such as sport, dance, judo etc.)

I didn't realize you are in France. ( So am I but both DC completed their education in the UK). As far as my experience of French schools goes, (I did EFL teaching with many French children), I would say they are less concerned about pastoral care than their equivalent schools in the UK, so I am not really surprised that the primaire didn't feel the need to discuss the issue with you. I still wouldn't worry about your DD moving up to college, especially if she is with most of her contemporaries.

I just wrote a huge post, previewed it and promptly lost it- argh!

Anyway, in a nutshell, here's what I said.

Dd (11) is in a similar situation to yours; bright, academic, bilingual, a bookworm who lives in her head. A few good friends, mostly boys, and self restraint which can sometimes come across as lack of interest in or even avoidance of others. Her last two class teachers have failed to grasp this and I've received comments like "How she writes and how she behaves are two different things" (Yes, the one I know and love is the writer).
We received a similar comment to yours on her end of Primary report, which I expect will be passed on. Next year I'm putting my faith in the fact that her new school is strong on music, drama, choir (all things she enjoys and will be enrolling in ASAP) and that all her classmates will be new to the school, like her.

We've spoken about looking and acting approachable, asking questions to others and being open to friendships with anyone. Basically " fake it till you make it" in the first few weeks of school. Teenagers are very self-absorbed and will enjoy having a listener first and a friend later. I've also looked at teenage styles and made sure she's on trend.

She's always been young for her age but she's grown up emotionally even in the last few months. She had her first celebrity crush recently . She still looks on boys as friends-long may it last- but she's starting to appreciate girly things too. I hope I've been a good model of pride and strength in being female.

It's heartbreaking when your kid isn't fitting in, especially if you're the gregarious type (me too). But at the end of the day, at 11yo this is their life and you have to take a back seat. My intelligent, sensitive, funny, precious daughter is awesome and I hope other people will find that out, too.

OP, I would venture that the Head may be overreacting or be basing her concern on a limited picture of your daughter.

Secondary school is also very different to primary school (I'm a secondary school teacher with pastoral responsibilities). There is, I feel, more room for all shapes and sizes, and more opportunities for students to make different friends. I would keep an eye on your daughter and then at the first parents' evening of the year speak to her new teacher(s) and see if they mention anything (or ask them if they feel she has friends).

What is relatively normal in the first year of secondary is for parents to be hearing new names mentioned at home, requests for new friends to come over / go out with new friends.

Sgtmajormummy

Dd (11) is in a similar situation to yours; bright, academic, bilingual, a bookworm who lives in her head

You could have described our DD! When the head teacher asked her what was her favourite pastime, DD replied "telling myself stories in my head"

Ha, I was like this all through school (except no one was bothered back then whether you fitted on or not), then got to Uni and suddenly was the life and soul of the party when I was finally in a big crowd of people more like me. So I think your DD will be fine in the long run, but if you can find her, or help her find, one or two like-minded souls in the meantime, that will really help.

My DD is v similar too, aged 10, and hasn't always found these people at school, although she gets on fine with people. We try and help her where we can, making sure she gets to see friends from out of school, taking her to events related to her interests (library book club is a winner) so that school isn't the only place which defines her socially. Doing lots of clubs at school also works for her.

Not much to add really, though I was/am like your DD, however I did have friends all the way through school and no-one was more surprised than my parents. I would say don't force it but it's good that you're aware of it and keep her doing clubs etc and just keep an eye on how things pan out.

Have you considered a diagnosis for Aspergers? Often very talented children have this. Social relationships can be difficult for them.
Diagnosis for Aspergers for girls is always poor, because of lots of reasons ... lots of information on the National Autistic Society's website.
If she is, then she should be getting support, and primary schools offer help for transition for these children, on their way to secondary. Just a thought ....

Nothing OP said is ringing ASD bells particularly loudly for me - what makes you think that, apart from perhaps the lack of particular close friends? For ASD you'd need to see someone who was adversely affected by their differences, in several areas.