Dd unhappy at school

[LostPeppers]

Reposting from chat hoping to get more insights

dd is in Y8 (and 13yo).
She is very mature, always had been, sociable, plenty of friends and highly able.
She is also very unhappy at school since she started Y7. Her complain is always that she bored to death, her friends aren't in her class so she only sees them at lunch break and basically hates going to school.
I think she had some issues in Y7 fitting in regarding her abilities (as in being seeing as a nerd, not wanting to be labelled like this and trying her best to hide her abilities) but this seems to be a better.

I'm not really sure what to do to support her. The requests to stay at home and not go to school are getting more and more frequent (as well as the 'I'm really too tired. Can I stay at home to sleep?').
There are no grammar school around and she is not convinced by the idea of a private school (kids there are labelled 'try hard' and therefore totally uncool bla-bla-bla).
I think a lot has to do with the atmosphere and the 'culture' in the school (being too bright or being seen as working hard isnt seeing as something OK if that makes sense) but there are no other options where we are.
School is rated as good/outstanding.

Any advice on how to make it easier for her? I'm hoping things will improve next year as they will be streamed for more subjects (they are streamed only in maths atm). I don't think they are streamed in all subjects though....

As always with young teens, there is the difficulty of disentangling what they say from what is actually going on, let alone what ought to be done. Looking at what you've said so far:

a) "her friends aren't in her class so she only sees them at lunch break" suggests that she actually does have friends rather than that she is isolated due to being different

so what is the problem? does she expect class time to be a social occasion (no, it shouldn't)? or is she actually being bullied by the children in the class she is in? find out- it makes a big difference

would moving her guarantee that she would make new friends and that they would be in her class rather than just available at lunchbreak? (seems a bit of a gamble)

or is she just expressing general malaise about something deeper?

b) "she [is] bored to death"

is the problem here that she is actually bored or that she is unhappy? could the boredom be cured by showing her ways in which she can stretch herself at school (e.g. write more complex essays)? or encouraging her to take up a challenging hobby such as a difficult instrument or a new language?

or does she actually mean that she is bullied/is afraid of being bullied?

what you say about culture seems really significant and I remember it well from my own schooldays

if there are no chances of changing, could you point out to her that the harder she works the greater her chances of ending up in a college/university/work environment that is full of people like her? that would really have helped me- knowing that this was a problem with a time limit

it would also have been useful if someone had pointed out that though the above was true, I also needed those joint-ability lessons to learn to get on with people who were different to me, because that is also an essential skill for most interesting jobs

Yes I fully agree. It's extremely hard to entangle what is what and what is actually happening.
I am sure that starting secondary has an awful effect on dd. Her whole behaviour changed within a couple of months both at home and at school.

The friends stuff isn't about he struggling to make friends at all. More, I think?, the fact that she is struggling to relate to the ones in her class now (they moved everyone around at the end of Y7 so the friends she made in Y7 aren't with her anymore). So during the class, she sees people who are just 'stupid' (her words for making mayhem in class, not taking any interest in the subject and just being disruptive) but no one that would 'compensate'/she can relate socially iyswim.

I don't believe there is any bullying going on. Just a culture where being average is to aim for but being really good/trying to be the best/doing your best and working hard at it isn't. Which clashes with her both because of her abilities and because she is very competitive!

Re being bored.... one thing that she comes out again and again is that she isn't learning anything at all. Which I know is true and isn't true.
It's true as in she has already a lot of knowledge (from her readings etc...) in a lot of subjects.
On the other side, I know she DOES learn stuff. But she learns it so quickly that I think it never feels like she is learning. She never has to make any effort at all, doesn't make any revisions and still comes out with top marks in all subjects. When challenged (which is what her DT teacher did last year), she is over the moon and always interested (even if DT wasn't really 'her' subject).
So I would say there is a real issue with how challenging the teaching is.
It's not helped by the big number of supply teachers they have (who really doesn't differentiate) and the quality of some teachers (who have a poor handle of the subject)

We have talked about the importance of working hard etc... it made a difference at the end of last year and she is a bit more involved in the learning (she had completely designated at th last year). I'm also planning to take home open days for 6th form. Very early but want her to hear from other people how important both the subjects and the grades are (i.e. Not just me going on about it)

I can try and explain how important it is to be able to get along with the ones who create mayhem aren't as interested in learning. IFrim previous conversations, I don't think it will go down well......

Btw thank so so much for your response. It's good to be able to step back a bit on whatbis going on....

Does she do anything outside of school that she could master/excel at and make friends through? Music, a sport, etc

Would it help to talk to her a bit more about what Sixth Form/university will be like? That what is really valued there is the ability to see the potential of a subject and develop it without having to be told?

So, if she is writing a history essay, could she go beyond just repeating the facts and arguments she knows and think about how
how to weight facts against one another to perfect an argument and how to structure that argument in the most persuasive way? This should work for all humanities subjects, pretty well. Can you make it clear to her that as far as intelligent arguing goes, there absolutely is no ceiling? That academics earn a living writing what is essentially history and English essays: they are just more developed, more thoughtful essays?

Also point out to her that the habit of reading around her subject, even when nobody asks her or praises her, is one that will be essential for later studies. This is where many students flounder when they get to uni. If she gets a head start here, just by developing good habits, it can be enormously beneficial.

She has a couple of sports she is doing. One of them is quite good at and enjoys. Unfortunately, not one where you can make lots of friends as it is very individual but it fills her need for competition and being challenged. Plus it works both on a physical and intellectual level which is great for her.

cory the idea of going further, perfect an argument etc... is an interesting one because that's what we often do as a family. Starting a discussion on one subject and the just 'discussing' different POV. She is actually very good at it.
I have encouraged her to carry on reading and learning more around a subject but she is refusing to do it saying that if she does, there will be nothing left for her to learn at school (that she is supposed to learn anyway). Her experience so far is that teachers aren't very welcoming of comments that are outside the box/much higher level so she is purposely avoiding to learn too much :(

I mean so far, she has been told NOT to use a certain tense in french because it's too complex (not using it means the sentence is wrong....). Science teacher is avoiding/not answering some comments (knowing the comment made, I know it's more CGSE or even A level stuff so completely out of the way but still relevant to the subject?).
So yes the challenge is missing and she is thriving on challenge...

"I have encouraged her to carry on reading and learning more around a subject but she is refusing to do it saying that if she does, there will be nothing left for her to learn at school (that she is supposed to learn anyway)"

This is where you can really make a difference. At the moment she thinks of her world as the narrow little world of lessons and passing a few, very specific exams. Show her that there is a much bigger world out there and that learning more will give her access to more of that. Show her that real researchers are making a real difference to the world because they don't believe that learning is limited, tell her that thinking out of the box is precisely what will enable you to run a business or write a book or do something else that is interesting and new. Explain that in this real world, which she will be reaching in approximately 4.5 years, the "I won't do anything I'm not supposed to"-mentality really isn't going to take her anywhere.

Even now, her life should not be limited to tests set by the education system.

If she learns a new tense in French, she doesn't have to use it in an exercise where it is not called for- but she can go home and read a new book in French or get in touch with French teenagers online.

If she reads an extra book about Elizabethan culture (or whatever) she may not be able to quote it in class, but it will still deepen her understanding of the topic they are doing at school and make it more enjoyable to her. You can never learn all there is to know about any historical period, literary work, part of the world- knowledge is infinite!

When I was bored, my parents set me to learn German. I never got German included in my secondary school certificate so from her narrow pov that would be wasted. But then again, as a grown-up noone has actually ever asked to see my secondary school certificate: what they want to know is whether I know any German.

I think there is some fear there for her (I fully agree with you btw and I have told her that so many times...). Fear of getting even more bored than she already is.

And TBH, this is about what happens at home. When at home, dd is happy. She reads, listen to the news, talks about the news etc... learning at home is always ok (as long as you don't label it as 'learning' lol)
It's when she is at school that things go down hill. Doing more at home doesn't solve that.

I think I'm starting to wonder where is the limit. When do you say that enough is enough and this is not the right environment for her and the gamble you take by changing school is worth it?