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Gifted and talented

Talk to other parents about parenting a gifted child on this forum.

Original poster

so, if you have a clever little one and DON'T push him or her in the way they did on child genius....

68 replies

oops · 09/02/2007 22:08

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Aloha · 09/02/2007 22:13

I really enjoy teaching my child things, but he really enjoys learning, and tbh he pushes me more than I push him. When your child asks you why France has no kings and you reply that they had a revolution and chopped off his head, and he says, we never did that, did we, and I you say, yes, actually we did, and he says, 'why?' and you start discussing the English Civil War and he asks what happened to the Puritans who survived Oliver Cromwell at the Restoration...and you have to look it up on the internet...is that pushy? I taught him to read because it was fun for him. I am also trying to teach him to ride a bike at the moment. I know most people approve of the latter, and wonder why people don't approve of the former. He enjoyed learning to read more, though he does want to be able to ride a bike.
I think isolating your child and forcing them to live out your thwarted dreams even if it makes them miserable and wierd is wrong though

Original poster
oops · 09/02/2007 22:20

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foundintranslation · 09/02/2007 22:21

I think if the child is clearly taking the lead, is interested, it's fine to encourage that - and would actually be 'wrong' not to encourage it (but I do think there is a world of difference between 'encouraging' and 'pushing'). I could read at 3 - my mother said I more or less taught myself. I live in Germany, where children do not start school until 6 or 7, and people are horrified at any suggestion of 'learning' before this age - exactly because of this fear of 'pushing' - then they suddenly get thrown into a high-pressure world where they have to prove their 'potential' at 10 years of age and are divided into three types of school according to ability. I once asked my German nephew whether he could read at all yet, and his highly indignant reply was 'Of course not, I'm only five' - , but also quite sad in a way, if a child is interested and capable before that.

drosophila · 09/02/2007 22:25

Hard one I think. My DS (7) is very bright (not like those on that programme). His teacher told me that in her 17 years of teaching she had not had such a scientific boy. I am really pleased that he is good and very interested in a subject cos I wandered aimlessly through school and work and now have a rather unfulfilling life working in the civil service.

I always wished I had had a talent or a bent ( I think I did in things like history and psychology but never got a chance to explore it) so that I was a little more focused iykwim.

As a result I buy DS lots of science books but I don't push them on him just have them available and he reads them occassionally when not watching Power Rangers. I think opportunity and availability is important.

Original poster
oops · 09/02/2007 22:27

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oops · 09/02/2007 22:32

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Aloha · 09/02/2007 22:32

I don't think those children will benefit at all from that sort of pressure. I try to follow and encourage ds's interests but not to an insane degree. I do rather enjoy doing academic type stuff with him, and it's a nice way to be with him, talking about stuff we are both interested in or reading. He's a funny, eccentric little chap anyway, I don't think I'm making him any odder - hope not! I would be thrilled to my core if he was uber cool and a great footballer, and encourage him to have ambitions to do everything and anything, but he has dyspraxia so I he finds sport really hard atm.

frogs · 09/02/2007 22:34

No, you're right. I think the scary thing about the programme was the way people were playing on their child's strengths to the exclusion of everything else.

So yes, if you have a maths whizz, introduce him to multiplication and let him play around with it. If you have a freakishly early reader, provide him with the complete works of Roald Dahl and be around to share his enjoyment of the story and the word-play. Take him to museums and let him read books about Egyptian embalming if that's what floats his boat.

But also encourage him to do things that maybe don't come naturally to him, and things that he has to struggle with, so that he learns important skills like perseverance, and understands that you don't always have to be the best at everything and that things can be worth doing even if you can't do them perfectly.

So if I had a sport whizz I'd be encouraging him to read Horrible Histories and play number games as well as doing football and swimming practice. If I had a music genius like the girl in the programme I'd be encouraging her to join Brownies and go to art club as well as doing piano concerts. And if I had a genius mathematician I'd encourage him to maybe join Stagecoach or swimming club as well as enjoying his numbers.

Balance is the thing, IME.

Aloha · 09/02/2007 22:34

My ds begs me to give him 'hard words to spell'. We are walking down the street and he says 'please, please give me a hard word to spell'. This morning he asked if 'traitor' was spelled 'a i' or 'a y'. I cringe if I think I'm overheard, I honestly do. But what should I do? Not tell him?

pinkbubble · 09/02/2007 22:34

Just make sure he does the fun things as well, and also dont isolate him from other children, another tip is dont talk about his intelligence in front of him(you dont really want him knowing how intellegent he is) Its nice them being totally blissfully unaware of it! Please just let them be children after all there is plenty of time for "proper education" when they get older.

Aloha · 09/02/2007 22:35

He was trying to learn to pedal his baby sister's bike around the kitchen this afternoon with my help. Honest!

Aloha · 09/02/2007 22:37

The thing is for my ds, reading, spelling, number work is 'fun'. It just is. While riding a bike, swimming & running is hard, hard work. And I know how that feels, because I'm very similar myself (except for the maths!).

nearlyfourbob · 09/02/2007 22:38

I've just got all sorts of looks for being seen with ds (who will be 4 in 2 weeks) and a very small cello. But he really wants to do it - I'm not a cellist (though I am a music teacher) and his cello teacher has taught dozens of 4 year olds, most of whom still play (oldest one in 20s).

And he had a great time, and now is messing up his bedroom like any other 3 year old.

Original poster
oops · 09/02/2007 22:42

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Aloha · 09/02/2007 22:44

I don't believe I am pushing him, but yes, I do feel terribly self-conscious, like when we went to the Tower of London and ds wanted the leaflet in English and French just for comparison. But he also likes a poo joke as much as the next boy. And spent nearly all this afternoon dressed in a fur tiger suit playing lions and tigers with his two year old sister. I think that might let me off the hook

Original poster
oops · 09/02/2007 22:45

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frogs · 09/02/2007 22:46

Aloha, go for it. If it's fun for him you should support him. But do encourage him to do things he finds harder as well -- it can be such a struggle for academically able children to deal with things they find difficult, to cope when they can't immediately grasp things, and to hang in there when others are clearly better than they are.

Dd1 aged about 6 would become completely hysterical when confronted with a situation where she couldn't immediately master the task in hand -- at about this age she once threw a 2 hour hissy fit because my mother had very unwisely organised a sandcastle building competition on the beach and dd1 was beaten by her then 14-yo cousin. And we had endless sobby conversations after swimming lessons: "Everyone can swim better than me." 'Well, not everyone." "Yes, well, you can swim better than me." "Well, I'm twenty-seven years older than you, sweetheart." "Yes, but you're still better than me." And so forth.

It was a nightmare, and only got very slowly better as she realised that with hard work and perseverance she could do reasonably well, even if other people were better than her. And that it was okay to make a mistake as long as you kept trying. It was probably the single most important lesson she's learnt to date (she's 11 now). And she wouldn't have learnt it just by us encouraging her to do the things she's naturally good at.

Aloha · 09/02/2007 22:50

Oh poor ds is very used to people being better at stuff that he is. He can't even play in the playground with other children because they literally leave him behind because he can't run fast He can't draw well (dyspraxia again) And he's physically short which he is aware of suddenly - which amazes me because I'm 5'8ish and dh is 6'4". I bang on and on and on about the value and importance of perseverance with me pointing out how much better he gets when he tries. I think he gets sick of hearing it!

frogs · 09/02/2007 23:02

Oh bless. Maybe he should join our next north London boys remedial football meetup... We had a great one involving my ds, dino's ds and bink's ds. My ds had a vague idea of what he was meant to be doing, the others possibly didn't. But they all muddled along okay. And then bink's ds played my ds at battleships, where only bink's boy had any idea what he was doing. It was hilarious -- they were completely at cross-purposes, but very earnest nonetheless.

Aloha · 09/02/2007 23:04

Ah, he'd love to be able to play football. He says he will be able to do it when he's seven. But he's only five and short and chubby and dyspraxic...I just don't want to make him feel even less able than he is, if that makes sense. It's a tough one. I am astonished how fast and organised dd is compared to ds - though clearly I would never let either of them know that.

frogs · 09/02/2007 23:10

Your ds sounds like a sweetie.

If he ever fancies a non-threatening boys' get-together, let me know, and I'll be happy to organise. He's the same age as hoxtonchick's ds, who is the world's cutest little bunny and gets on v. well with my ds, despite the age difference. My ds is suffering slightly from over-competitive older classmates atm, and is always happy to take a break from that.

Original poster
oops · 09/02/2007 23:11

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snorkle · 09/02/2007 23:15

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Bink · 09/02/2007 23:18

Oh yes please!! Ds was having a go at running today on the way to school & his legs kept turning him into a gallop. He could not work out which way the rhythm was meant to go - so you can just imagine him with a football. Strangely he is rather good at surfing, and this winter we have CRACKED skiing (snowplough only, but that'll do) (which when he was five was the sporting disaster of the century).

In answer to oops's question - short of squashing him when he shows an interest, which obviously you would never ever do! - there isn't anything you can do which would hold back a bright kid. They pick stuff up like breathing, and I think the most fun bit is to noodle around with it by themselves, testing things, maybe asking you questions, maybe just exploring themselves. When my ds was little one of the things he did for a few months was fill notebooks with sums featuring new invented arithmetic symbols, which then could do lovely magic things & produce exciting numbers. You'd not get that out of a workbook or a computer program.

Bink · 09/02/2007 23:20

(My "yes please" was recommending remedial football, by the way.)