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Gifted and talented

Talk to other parents about parenting a gifted child on this forum.

Original poster

In tears - ds got am award today and one of my friends. .

68 replies

lborgia · 10/12/2015 11:58

"I suppose that will just go in his collection". Ds has dealt with some real crap this year but is naturally bright, top of his year, and that's what the prize was for.

He's been doing gt maths since the beg of primary, and next 2 years, 5&6 will be doing gt everything. But he's a lovely kid, friends with most kids, cares about them and i never discuss his abilities unless someone brings it up. Even then it makes me feel awkward. Usually i say something like "well he doesn't get it from me! "

I have dealt with a lot of sly comments over the years. .but for some reason I'm just done today. Why? Why can't people who actually know you/your child find it in themselves to at least be kind? ?

Sorry, complete rant. Ds 2 got first report back today and that was astonishingly good and you know my first thought? Dread. Because i can't bear the thought of another set of parents like this.

OK, I'm done.

Thanks for listeningBlush

OP posts:
Badders123 · 10/12/2015 12:48

I dont discuss my sons achievements with other school mums at all.
Why would I?
He is very bright, top of the class for everything and goes up into the next year for Maths.
Some of the parents know this -been told by their kids I guess.
None of them have ever been so crass as to mention it.
I quite like a lot of the kids in my sons class.
But I don't give a tiny toss what reading level they are on or who is the best at phonics and I would never EVER ask.

Dipankrispaneven · 10/12/2015 12:49

It wasn't a great thing to say, but it possibly came in the context of being mother of a child to whom an award would mean everything but who doesn't get them no matter how he tries; you can see that it will become difficult to be gracious about yet another award going to a child who has several already.

Viviennemary · 10/12/2015 12:49

I think the best way is to play this down completely. If somebody has a bright and gifted child and says as a reply something like yes she/he did do well and leaves it at that then nobody usually gets offended. But the worse thing to do is make a thing of it.

Badders123 · 10/12/2015 12:49

(I.e. To those who agreed with me!!! :))

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 10/12/2015 12:52

I think I would have taken the comment to be an indication that they recognise that your DS is consistently good – as opposed to saying something like, ‘Wow, what a fluke!’ to express surprise.

But a more straightforward well done to your DS from me anyway!

Badders123 · 10/12/2015 12:55

Just enjoy your sons achievements.
Life is a lot easier for those that don't struggle, believe me.
Don't make a drama out of this.
There's no need.

Original poster
lborgia · 10/12/2015 12:56

Major cross posted there. .and now weeping copiously. Damn you Caprini being nice! Yes yes yes there is a major amount of crap attached to this and i hadn't even realised till this second.

I've just been diagnosed with adhd,and my eldest is about to be assessed. It seems the reason it's been missed all these years is because i was bright enough and terrified of doing the wrong thing and whilst i feel as if I've got a while new life i also feel so guilty that at least one child has inherited all this. .this. .stuff. it's also my genes that have given him a recurring tumour/hearing loss and all the associated hard days that have gone with hospitalisation and so on. I feel as if I've handed down am amazing potential attached to some almighty crap.

I'm sorry, talking of drip feed. I guess the reason i really really want him to be"average"is because then he might not have any of the other horrible stuff to deal with.

And i am so so proud of him, and i do feel in awe of what kind of child he is, i do count all my bloody blessings every day. He carries it all in a way i never did.

Sorry, i am being completely pathetic i guess this is the down they said to anticipate at diagnosis

OP posts:
Badders123 · 10/12/2015 12:57

Ah.
So that's it.
So it's not really anything to do with this comment is it?
Thought there was more to it!
I will tell you what my dr told me about my son....
He will be fine. Because he has you as his mum.
X

mummytime · 10/12/2015 12:58

Well done to your DS!

She was probably jealous/worried about her own DC.
Try to come up with a stock phrase for nasty comment like this "Everyone has their own problems and strengths".

Don't hide away from other parents - genuinely nice people will usually be happy for you. The others...well that's their problem.

And lots of us have been there: going to prize giving and being snubbed by a Mum I'd known for 8 years? But also being congratulated by someone I only vaguely knew.
Even worse a friend of mine - who had bitchy remarks about her son's abilities in Maths (GCSE standard at 8) - he has ASD, and not a easy life...

Original poster
lborgia · 10/12/2015 12:59

Well presumably this is just more drama Badders,but do i need to say again, i haven't ever discussed it!! Mums who help is class see it, the school never stops with the awards, and they list results in the newsletter. Not. Me.

OP posts:
carabos · 10/12/2015 13:00

Don't over-invest in it. There's always one kid like yours and from your perspective it's better that its yours than someone else's Wink. DS2 is very average, intelligence-wise, but in primary school his lovable, compliant gorgeousness meant that every prize day he was laden with awards like an all-conquering Roman. The class was very small and the other mothers pretty competitive, but their resentment was based not on DS per se, but that I was perceived to be uninvolved - I didn't do pick up and drop offs because DH did them and so it seemed that I only appeared on occasions to
Swan in and pick up all the prizes and kudos. On that basis, DS didn't deserve all these accolades. Hmm

DS1 on the other hand, very bright, scholarship to top school, never won a thing as he was very naughty. Parents always quick to falsely commiserate, while enjoying the applause when their own sons did well at awards evening.

Try to see the big picture - it's about them, not you.

Caprinihahahaha · 10/12/2015 13:02

Ah - the worry about passing on the bits of ourselves that were difficult. That's such a nightmare.

You can't feel guilt about things you didn't chose you know. I know that's impossible to try and actually do, but guilt is such a burden.
You know your children will benefit enormously from your experience and your advice,
Can you try to see it as a positive - try and say to them and do for them the things that would have helped you?

You know, some of your reaction is just about you and if you can let it go that would help.children learn to be embarrassed and uncomfortable. Maybe go with Raptors suggestion about 'yes, we'll need a bloody extension for his awards :D '

originalmavis · 10/12/2015 13:05

Always remember, some people are just like that.

I once filmed prize giving, not realising that behond me was a rather, eherm, blunt speaking German mum. When I watched the film there was a constant voiceover

'She's got so fat'
'Him? Geography prize? He couldn't find his own feet!'
'Well that's pity one'
'Her mother is so pushy, no wonder she won'
'Poor child, look at the state of him'

Original poster
lborgia · 10/12/2015 13:08

OMG can you give it a rest? Presumably you can't see that you're doing exactly what has been getting to me, little asides to each other being snide. ..i thanked those who understood because on my phone i couldn't write and see their messages at the same time so couldn't get all there names. Why would I thank everyone if some have you have been so unpleasant?

OP posts:
originalmavis · 10/12/2015 13:12

Who me?

My DS generally wins academic and maths prizes but I can't say I've ever had any snitty comments.

Focus on the prize, not the comments. They don't count.

Original poster
lborgia · 10/12/2015 13:15

No Mavis, not you Flowers I'm on a phone, can't see for the self indulgent child ruining tears, and I'm cross posting galore. Never mind, I'm going now. Time to sleep but first remember that there's no such thing as a safe place on mumsnet.

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 10/12/2015 13:15

I got you, Caipirinha and am in a similar situation with my 2 dses, except it is ds2 who is v bright, which has given ds1 all sorts of grief.

OP, I think what she is trying to say is that, whilst it is hard to take a negative comment about a very positive thing, it is infinitely harder to take negative comments (or even LOOKS) about negative things. And whilst it was a possibly thoughtless comment, you can be pleased for your kids and take this on the chin, can't you? Imagine being that kid (or parent) whose kid never, ever gets a prize however hard they work? They really do have something to moan and be sad about.

longingforfun · 10/12/2015 13:17

Iborgia you are being oversensitive and misunderstanding originalmavis's post. she isn't doing 'exactly what has been getting to me, little asides to each other being snide'. I now wonder if you're taking offence where none exists.

reni2 · 10/12/2015 13:17

In tears? Who? If you, cup of tea, deep breath, grip. If him, tell him the award is the important thing.

originalmavis · 10/12/2015 13:18

Iborgia what did they do to you?

And no I didn't read the whole thing, I've got flu and my eyes are too stingy!

originalmavis · 10/12/2015 13:19

No no long it wasn't to me, it was a weird cross post. thanks for the support though.

I'm lovely BTW.

CombineBananaFister · 10/12/2015 13:21

It's a ridiculous state of affairs when we can't celebrate a childs doing well for fear of pissing off other adults, that's their issue not yours. If it's well deserved, you should be proud and ignore any snidey comments (if it was meant that way.)

To do the whole self-depreciation thing is belittling their achievement and giving them the wrong message about doing well. There's a difference between being modest and excusing yourself away Sad

I'm all for awards that motivate children to achieve at their own personal level but also think being talented/expectional should be recognized and is not something to be embarrassed about.

longingforfun · 10/12/2015 13:23

Sorry-thisthread is moving fast - can't keep up. However I think the op needs to be a bit more generous to the feelings of others who don't have children as brilliant as hers. Having a g&t child is hardly a burden.

Finola1step · 10/12/2015 13:23

Iborgia. I hear you.

This reminds me of something my friend told me about. We live in a town with a very successful gymnastics club. Her eldest is probably their best in her age group. Always wins gold or silver in competitions.

When they returned after a break in the summer, the dd had a particularly tough session as was crying. My friend muttered something like "I can't stand this". At which point another mum piped up "Oh, are you thinking of pulling her out? The club isn't fir everyone". The ears of 3 other mums pricked up. They all waited, expectantly for my friend to say something. She didn't. My friend is the loveliest person you could meet. She was really upset that other mums could be secretly pleased that her dd might be upset. The children are 6.

OP there are some nasty pieces of work out there. Unfortunately.

longingforfun · 10/12/2015 13:27

I hate all this competitive parenting.