resilience

[user789653241]

Do any of you have any tips for building resilience for able children, who had kind of easy life, and easy to give up when he/she hits some hardship?

My ds excel in maths, but if he doesn't like something, he gives up so easily. I really think it's important to learn to persevere(and the teacher commented about same thing), but he isn't good at sport, or interested in music at all. So it's not an option to teach those skills.

I really want him to have a bit of resilience, and understand that he sometimes have to put lots of effort to achieve something in life.

In our case, I've covered that front with swimming.

It's the one thing (compared to the academic subjects at school) that doesn't come naturally to him or easy. It was a terrible struggle at first. DS1 wanted to give up ever since the first class, but I was firm with him because I thought it was an important skill to have.

As time passed I noticed that his resistance to go (he would cry, said his tummy hurt, etc) would usually increase or was more evident when he had just passed to a new stage and was struggling to cope compared to other children who had been at that stage longer and were about to progress. But by the end of his most difficult stage (stage 3) that took him the longest to master, he was very confident, and was always happy to go to his swimming lesson. He was very proud of himself the day the teacher told him he was ready to go to the next stage after all the effort he had put into it.

Sports and musical instruments are what people usually recommends for building resilience, but if your DS is not interested in those it might be difficult as he won't see the point of doing it?
But swimming at least could be sold to him as an important skill to have rather than a hobby, and he could learn to persevere and how his effort eventually translates into mastering that skill.

What about learning a new language? Would he be interested in that?

Thank you Ellie.
Yes, swimming could be a good idea.
We suggested before when his he was younger, but he refused.
But now in KS2 he will start swimming soon at school. It may encourage him to try.
I agree, being able to swim is really important life skill. If I manage to persuade him to try, I will try to make him continue.

Language is not his favourite subject as well. Some of his friends started French or Spanish, but he said NO

He really is a stubborn child, and he won't do anything he isn't interested. Doesn't even try if he likes it or not.
He hates literacy even though he is doing ok, and put minimum effort in it.
I don't want to push him to do something he doesn't want to, but this lack of patience and unwillingness to try anything else really worries me.

Swimming is important skill, its equally as important as education, try to encourage and resilient yourself toward encouraging him learning to swim. The later you leave it the harder. I can swim but not well and I have to take extra classes in the evening to learn to swim well for my own safety sake which is my children and my family's

You mentioned he likes maths and good at it then he must be resilient toward it so I dont think the question of him cant be resilient at anything. The question is what in particular that you dont want him giving up at the moment or try again. Why not start trying something again now which is good for him in general which he gave up to do in the past(music, swimming)

What reward does he get for trying something difficult? He probably gets a buzz from succeeding ( because he knows he has done well and because he is praised by yourselves and teachers), but he is very young and won't get the idea of "defered gratification" where the reward doesn't appear until days or weeks later.
So maybe make sure that you spot any little chance to tell him that you've seen him trying and give him a pat on the back.
Also, he might enjoy learning to programme. Introduce him to programming in Scratch. I can pretty much guarantee that things won't work perfectly first time, but if he persists he'll be rewarded with a working programme (animation etc.) which you can share with family for some suitably impressed Ooohs.

When you say not good at sport do you mean traditional ones like football?

My son wouldn't be chosen for any football teams but is really enjoying ice skating lessons. Doing a sport that's not mainstream has been a good way to keep up enthusiasm because he's not comparing to children that are sporty. Oliver (in his class) might be an excellent football player but doesn't ice skate.

I did the same with his brother. He did a little known type of martial arts. Others learned mainstream ones like karate which is probably very similar to what he did but a different name makes it more exotic and exciting to others.

Thank you Greenleave and PerspicaciaTick .

I guess the problem is his lack of interest if he suspect something need the hard work. He seems to run before he fails.

He does programming. With maths and programming, he can be doing it for hours, if I don't stop him, so persistence is ok if he likes it.

I want to find something that might be not easy for him, but reward him with feeling of achievement. I really fear that even in maths, in the future if one day he find something difficult to get it first time, he might give it up easily.

I start to see his reluctant nature more often recently, and started to worry that I have to do something now.

I hope swimming works, and if he start it, I won't let him give up easily.

enderwoman, no not just traditional sports. Anything physical. We let him try different things in the past, things like dance, martial arts, football etc, but he doesn't stick to it.
I think I was not persistent enough to let him carry on.

It may be different now since he is older.
School work at the moment, he can coast through with minimum effort.
But it will not be so easy in the future, I think.
He hasn't learned how to learn something it doesn't come naturally to him.
Feels like he is heading for massive failure and not to be able to get over it.

Forgot to say thank you, enderwoman

School works on resilience here they clearly see it's an issue at least at secondary.
I think we managed it via music but gosh it's been tough. They won't give up if they don't succeed but they all rarely fall at hurdles it's been really tough when they do

Also meant to say it's really important they do fail otherwise it gets bigger and bigger as a " thing". One of the really interesting bits of that awful child genius prog was the Chinese dad who took his sons to badminton so they could learn to not always win.

they could learn to not always win.

That is the thing I am really afraid which he won't get it, if he keep on doing things that interest him, and nothing else.

I want him to fail at something(which sound awful), and try really hard to achieve. But with his reluctant nature, stubbornness to resist what he doesn't like, and bit of luck of getting a brain with good memory(which comes with a price), I can see the total nosedive and unhappy child in the future.

Thank you Helenluvsrob

In my country(I'm not British), I hear so many cases that the people who graduated best Uni end up depressed and become totally hermit because they can't cope with real life.
We are working with school for social side, but resilience seems to be really difficult.

Have you tried cubs/scouts?

Actually no, Sallyhasleftthebuilding.

I am foreign, I really haven't got the clue about it. What is it like?

You might find it helpful to read Carole Dweck on 'growth mindset'. She's an educational psychologist who did loads of research into this very subject. I've read her research both in her academic book and in the popularised version ('Mindset') and found it really enlightening. I was regarded as 'gifted', but then avoided anything I found difficult or challenging at school or elsewhere, and my son is v similar.

There are quite a few primary schools doing work on fostering growth mindset, so it might be worth doing a bit of an internet trawl to see what's out there, but in the mean time, there's an intro to growth mindset and resilience here: www.brainpickings.org/2014/01/29/carol-dweck-mindset/. Good luck!

I've seen a lot of children really blossom on school activity trips, so how about taking him and a friend to a High Ropes challenge or similar. It is quite short term (just a day), but they can feel so great when they achieve the activities that scared them to start with.

Or something like Beavers, where he'll have all sorts of new experiences.

My DMum used to say I was like a long distance hurdler. I'd be happily running round the track and then I'd come to an obstacle and want to give up. She would give me a metaphorical boot up the bum, I'd clear the obstacle and then off I'd go again until I hit the next one. It was her job to get me over the obstacles by being supportive, understanding, and not allowing me to give up.

X-posted with Sally about scouting.

Beavers is the arm of scouting which is aimed at younger children aged 6-8 years.
members.scouts.org.uk/supportresources/2939/introduction-to-beavers

As your DS must be coming up to 8yo, cubs might be more appropriate.
members.scouts.org.uk/supportresources/search/?cat=12

Cubs scouts beavers are all similar. They learn skills not taught in schools, they play team games, tie ropes, build rafts, help at church events, they used to when i was young knock doors and help an elderly neighbour for sub money, im sure this has evolved to community projects, they camp if they want to go, builds confidence.

You dont have to be a christian to join, its about being respectful to your god and being a good citizen, whilst having fun and learning new skills.

Thank you lightroom and PerspicaciaTick.
I will have a look.

PerspicaciaTick, your mum sound lovely.

Sally, That sounds like the kind of thing I was looking for. I am not religious at all, but do have respect for others.

I have heard some of his friend do those things, I will ask some mums for local info.

Thank you

The best thing is, they fail as a team, so failure becomes easier as a group, not personal. They also win as a team, and sharing a win is also more fun. If that makes sense. Im not religious either, and DD did wonders in brownies (girl version) learning to fail, and take it on the chin, and try again is a huge step!!

Sorry another thought, St Johns Ambulance have a junior section. Similar to scouts, but with life saving skills thrown in. They attended football/concerts etc for free ..if on call to help out..,,.

I was going to add a couple of things but I see they have already been mentioned. Lots of good advice.

My son is also stubborn, but so I am. So if I have it in my mind that something might be good for him (e.g. swimming) and that he shouldn't give up after the very first lesson, I make sure I try my best to convince him to stay.
So for example with swimming, the first reason I gave him was that it was an important skill to have and it would be useful for him when in future he went to a swimming pool, the sea, etc. When that obviously failed to convince him, I said he had to do it until he could swim confidently (let's say these many meters, or up to stage 6, or whatever your cut off point is). And then, as I knew it was hard for him and he needed extra motivation, I did things like have a nice treat for him after he was good at his swimming lesson, or earning points for each time it wasn't a battle to go swimming and he tried his best. Then at the end of the month, or the term, he could exchange those points for something that he really wanted (a nice toy, an outing, etc).
Also, each time he passed a stage, especially when it took it the longest and it had been the hardest, he got a nice reward after that.

The other thing I wanted to mention since you say your DS easily gives up things without even trying, is that my DS was the same. It happened with swimming (I didn't let him and now he is very happy and a confident swimmer). It happened with karate. It happened with rugby, and it happened with beavers (which other posters have already recommended to you).

But my best example (and I always use it with him for when he is nervous and reluctant to try something new) is Beavers. He was happy when I told him I got a place for him. He was very happy the first day. But then the following week he didn't want to go and protested, cried, begged me not to take him (same things he did with swimming). After talking with him and checking there was no other reason for his reluctance than him simply not wanting to continue, I made a deal with him and said give it a chance until the end of October (so that he could attend the pumpkin carving and Halloween party that I knew he would enjoy), and that if after those two months of going he still felt the same I would not force him to do it. He then calmed down, and agreed to give it a go.
Well, after only a couple of weeks he arrived home one day very excited and said Beavers was great and his favourite thing and that he always wanted to go. And to this day (he's been there almost 2 years) he is still very happy to go, enjoys it, and now cries if for any reason is not able to go. Completely turn around.

Oh Elle, so much to learn from you, thank you for sharing your experience. I am stubborn too very, so far we havent given up anything yet, but too early to say and I agree sometimes at certain of level and certain stage of your life you need to prioritise your loads then there are choices to drop the least favourite and important stuffs for a bit(and knowing a skill never wasted).

I now come to the point I have to prioritise my child's time as she wants to try everything, begging to try everything and we cant do them all (mainly due to time constraint). At some points we have private tutors for everything:arts, chess, violin, piano, swimming, French and she was asking to do gymnastic, Beavers and she does take them all too seriously. That has compromised her academic results to some extend at school(she was predicted 4c for all by beg of yr3 but then only had 3a) and now her maths is only ok/good