advice to help twin of very G&T DS

[bettysviolin]

Hi
I have twins, non ID. Both are bright and go to a selective school that they both got into easily.

But one comes at or near top of the class in everything. The other is near the bottom of his class in most things. One excels at extra-curricular stuff - picked for sports teams, music groups, wins art prizes etc. It's non stop. The other is picked sometimes (not often.)

I feel concerned for my DT who is lovely and bright and normal but feels in the shadow of his brother. He has far less self confidence, he is also mildly autistic (recently diagnosed with HFA) and has all his life had a raft of physical problems.

I'm genuinely concerned that he'll end up feeling like his brother got all the breaks and he didn't, or that he isn't up to scratch in some way. It's clear from his withdrawn reaction when his DT announces yet another A* mark or team pick that he does judge himself against his brother unfavourably, even though we never do and are careful not to compare them.

I want to help him gain confidence to be happy in his skin and happy at what he does and who he is, but it's hard when his twin (who is taller, thinner etc) keeps bringing home trophies.

How can I help increase his self confidence?

I am a twin and parent of twins too. I personally think you have to explain to DT1 why he can't go in and take over the club that DT2 enjoys. If he's so bright he can surely understand the impact it has on his brother? My twin and I were always of similar ability but my own twins are very different. You have my sympathy because its a very hard issue to manage, and even at 10 I can see the beginning of a feeling of inferiority on an academic point of view from DT2. We have discussed this with DT1 who understands, even at 10, and there have been occasions where DT1 has stepped back to let DT2 shine. I don't think it's detrimental to ask your DT1 to ask to recognise DT2's "domain" sometimes and for you to say that's something he can't get involved I.

Thank you. It is really interesting to hear very different viewpoints from mine. Perhaps I will have a quiet word with DT1 about that if it happens again. The truth is, the club would have died. DT2 hadn't the confidence to revive it alone. But DT1 had. I did steer him away from drama, but then DT2 didn't want to do it anyway... I will have a quiet word with DT1 if anything similar looks like it would happen again.

I do wonder if there is a different school we could send him to. I will have another look around. We're rural so there's not huge choice.

Place marking... same issue but have to work.

If they are mid teens then surely it's time Tigger started to think a bit about his impact on other people? I think I might be having quite stern words with him about being thoughtful and supportive of his brother-they should surely be looking out for each other......

Not sure moving schools is necessarily a good plan- how would you sell it to Piglet without is sounding as if you thought he couldn't hack it but Tigger could?

No they are early teens. Just turned 13, summer born, Yr 8.

Bertrand that's exactly what I think. Would he feel 'So I couldn't hack the really good school but DT can'? He really wanted to go there and he can hack it but it's hard for him, like so much in life seems hard for him, in comparison with his brother.

I want to focus on helping him build his self confidence, regardless of what DT1 is up to.

Bertrand - he does look out for his brother. he came to me in floods of tears in their first year because DT2 was being bullied on the way home by some other boys, and DT1 said it broke his heart to see DT2 plaster a smile on his face when he got home and pretend to us everything was fine so we wouldn't worry. As a result of DT1's intervention, that got sorted and they don't bully him any more.

But from dt2's point of view that's just another thing he couldn't do right that dt1 solved for him. I don't know the answer though

That's great- but I was thinking more about him thinking how his behaviour impacts on his brother. I think i might have wanted to know why they didn't resurrect the club together.........

I have the exact same problem, OP, only my dts are younger and girls

It's heartbreaking

I'm off to rtft

Ime tightrope walkers have NOTHING on parents of twins

Bertrand DT1 wanted to resurrect the club with DT2 but DT2 didn't want to do it at all once DT1 was involved. Understandably, I suppose.

Hi Harpstrings It's good to meet someone who knows precisely what I'm on about. It's such a delicate situation. It's so in his face, and you don't have the buffer of different ages and school years. We had intended for them to go to different schools, but then they both wanted the same one, and it was the best choice for them both, in different ways.

Solo2 was the poster name. Had a series of similar threads.

My feeling is to move one of your twins, too.

As above- my dts are in y6. They are similar- not quite the same- in ability. DT2 just edges it. The main difference is that DT2 is super driven and confident, so much so that sometimes- alright, all the time- it seems as if DT2 has all the confidence, DT1 all the self doubt. The two of them could both do with sharing it out a bit

they're non ID, like yours- and DT2 is the tallest and the thinnest (alas, for all my hard work at this end, this matters to Y6 girls) and also the most popular- though I feel a lot of this is because she has a kind of 'if you don't like it, fuck off' attitude- she's not rude exactly, but she doesn't ingratiate herself much- she's got other things to think about. I'd say that she's considered cool rather than nice (this also counts with Y6 girls)

They've been in different classes all the time they've been in primary- though they're streamed for maths, so in the same group.

The problem I've found in y6 is that, because of SATS, any differences between pupils are very marked- they've all been very aware of their SATs grades since the first term of the year. Each time DT1 has had grade she'd ordinarily be pretty pleased with, DT2 has got one notch (sometimes two) better. In addition, DT2 has been picked for everything- sports things, school council, now the Y6 play, where she has one of the biggest parts and DT1 has one that's respectable, but not great.

We have had untold tears over this- in secret. DT1 has been very nice and congratulatory to DT2's face but fallen to pieces with me

I've had to email the teachers- in secret- explaining the situation, asking them to not add to DT2's role- (I know, how awful to find yourself in the position of asking teachers NOT to push your child- but I fear long term damage to their relationship otherwise)- they've been very helpful, and given DT1 extra music stuff to do as part of the play (both girls do music but- of course - DT2 is a grade and a half ahead)

I agree with pps about other activities- this is working for us, touch wood- it's early days yet. Also I would say don't move DT2, keep him in the school where he's happy- is there a sympathetic teacher you could talk to? It's really helped us.

You have my sympathies; this is such a difficult issue. We have spent 11 years resolutely trying to ensure everything's fair and Not Comparing- but as you say, other people inevitably do- teachers, relatives, friends (DT1 was recently asked by a friend 'what's it like to be twins with the cleverest girl in the school?')

sorry betty- that was looooong

I think I needed to get it off my chest

If you move either twin, it could be unfair. If you keep them both in the same place, it could be unfair. Like I say- it's a tightrope

I know much older twins who still suffer with sibling rivalry because of different treatment they received as children. I've always thought I'd do ANYthing to stop my girls turning out like that. It's easier said than done, though

I think Siblings without Rivalry would be a useful read for you if you have not already tried it, there are case studies detailing issues very similar to yours.

No, Harp it wasn't too long. It is really interesting. And it's true - we don't compare them, but others do. One parents evening, DT1s teacher introduced herself with a chuckle: 'I'm the lucky one.' I asked what she meant and she said, 'Your son is marvellous. I gather his brother is not so much.' (This was a year when DT2 had an absolute cow of a teacher who treated his mild ASD tendencies as personal affronts to her.) And I know what you mean about feeling awful getting teachers to play down one twin's opportunities just so the other doesn't feel crushed. It feels wring but there is no 'right' way to handle it.

lljkk thanks for letting me know the poster's name. I'll go and take a look at their threads.

Just had a glance through solo2's threads. They all seem to be about having a puppy. Can't see any on one twin lacking confidence in comparison with the other.

Humphrey, I haven't read it. Thanks for the tip.

Harp your situation sounds very similar. In truth my twins' ability is similar but as the class teacher says, the drive and conscientiousness of DT1 takes her overall achievement to another level. We're told she's not the naturally brightest in the class - although in the top 3 or 4 (DT2 is probably in the top say 7 or 8) but she generally always gets the best marks because she is so determined.

We are in the nightmare position of being in a selective area for high school, with entrance exams looming in the next few months. I am so frightened of DT1 passing and having the accolade of "having passed" and DT2 not passing and feeling a failure. We are trying so hard to say all the schools are wonderful, the exam is simply to see which school is best for you but we can't control other pupils and their pushy parents in making it a pass/fail scenario.

I'm another who thinks DT1 sounds quite old enough and smart enough to understand when he needs to reign it in a bit.

I don't have twins but I have a 5 year old who is far more academically gifted than his 7 year old brother. Even at his age he's quite capable of understanding that it makes DS1 feel sad when he (DS2) finished DS1's homework before DS1 had a chance. (We have to separate them for homework now - DS2 just can't help himself and then feels guilty afterwards.)

" One parents evening, DT1s teacher introduced herself with a chuckle: 'I'm the lucky one.' I asked what she meant and she said, 'Your son is marvellous. I gather his brother is not so much"

Please tell me they aren't still at that school.........

Have you considered talking to dt1 about his impact on his brother?

Bertrand - they are still at that school. You can't flounce from every school that has a crap teacher. All schools have crap teachers. The school is excellent. For those two poor teachers I could list many who have gone out of their way to make both DC feel at home, but esp DT2. He has numerous teachers who notice him and encourage him and behind scenes sort things so that he gets a chance to shine despite lacking confidence. Thanks for contributing to the thread but you do seem to have the attitude that stirring things up will make them better. Any hard evidence for this?

No- I don't think stirring things up will make them better, sorry, I must have expressed myself badly if you think that. However, I would be very unlikely to keep my children at a school which would be happy to employ a teacher who said that. I would have made a formal complaint to the Head, and I would have had to be reassured that nobody would ever talk about anyone's children like that again. And even then I would be in two minds. But I am pretty sure I would be moving them both

I don't think talking to the Tigger twin is "stirring things up". He's 13. I needs to be thinking about how his behaviour impacts on other people. And he may very well have insights you haven't considered about his brother.

I don't think that moving one of them would work- but if either of them has to move then maybe it shoud be Tigger? It sounds as if he would be best equipped to start again somewhere new. But I think I would move them both, frankly.

Bertrand I was shocked by what she said. But if I listed the wonderful things the school has done for both DTs (which I can't for fear of outing them) it would be clear that disrupting their stability, their friendships and their passionate attachment to aspects of the school would be wrong. Moving them just because one stupid teacher nearing retirement said something she shouldn't, which no one knew about except me would be stirring. I'd have to explain myself. How would that help anyone? That teacher doesn't reflect the ethos of the whole school. Anyhow this is off the topic. I was asking for practical advice on helping DS gain confidence. Removing DT1 from a school he loves is way off the mark.