Sibling rivalry

[var123]

Does anyone else have to deal with academic rivalry between their children? What can I say or do to stop one child feeling angry and overlooked when the other one has some success?

DH says its normal but I'm fed up with it and I don't think it does either of them any credit.

I have one child who is significantly more able than the other. It hasn't yet been a problem as they are seven years apart and it's the younger child who is the more intelligent.

Don't praise the children for their achievements. Praise the children when they work hard. Don't give rewards or make a huge fuss when the brighter child is cleverer. Even gifted children need to learn to persist at what they find difficult.

DS1 is very dyslexic DS2 is not, DS1 (14yo) was almost in tears when he realised that DS2 (5yo) was doing spellings that he was struggling to do in year 7. I have pointed out on numerous occasions that I suspect that IQ wise they are very similar its just that they have very different strengths. But DS1 has become quite depressed and emotional about his dyslexia. I can really empathise with DS1 as I also have dyslexia and seeing the ease with which DS2 'gets' reading amazes me and makes me realise just how much of a disability dyslexia really is.
I'm sorry I don't know how to get past the sibling rivalry but I try to emphasise their indevidual strengths not their weaknesses.

Wailywailywaily - I am so sorry. That's awful for your Ds1. I was the oldest too and it really hurts when your younger sibling does something better than you or before you.

In my children's case, I have two boys born 18 months apart. Both are quite able but DS2 constantly surprises us by the way he picks up new things. DS1 is very good - highest achieving in the year at secondary, but Ds2 is beginning to catch him up and it is very measurable because its maths and there are NC levels. Also, thanks to the focus on levels at school, they are both hyper aware of their progress.

When Ds1 does well, Ds2 immediately sets himself a target of reaching that same stage earlier. When Ds2 does well, Ds1 goes into a bad mood for the rest of the day.

Neither of them seem to have to put much effort in, and, I am hesitant to show them new stuff that might challenge them as it causes problems with boredom at school. (Which makes praising effort difficult for most academic subjects, although there is a lot of scope to do it for things like art or woodwork).

Marking place a bit as I think I will soon be in this situation. DS1 is in year 3. He came out with 3s across the board in SATS so above average but not a genius. DS2 is in year 1 and now working at a level 3 across the board. He is quite capable of answering DS1s maths homework questions and goes to DS1s class for literacy lessons. It won't be long before DS1 gets upset about it, or DS2 realises that he is bright.

Hmm, sounds really tricky when they're so close in age. Disappointing that school aren't challenging them. I'd be thinking of getting them started on some problem solving stuff so you're not extending curriculum wise, but are providing real challenge and improving real maths skills. I'm a bit out of touch with where the resources are these days - NRich might be a place to start.

I'd be hoping to find either something challenging they can work on together, or different hobbies/areas for each to specialise in so they're not competing directly. Maybe something like coding challenges or puzzles they can work on together? This is hard but some might be approachable with a little teamwork depending on their ages/stages: www.ms.unimelb.edu.au/~mums/puzzlehunt/

On the plus side, you have a real opportunity for both to bounce off each other and be brilliant, if you can get them working together rather than against each other. I'd also acknowledge to them that part of the reason DS2 does so well is that he has DS1 to learn from and compete against.

It is the elephant in the room with mine. However, with unrelenting and autocratic indoctrination (covert initially) from birth that the choice of kindness is more valuable than all the glittering gifts you didn't earn, it generally tempers their reactions.

Teenage hormones do unfortunately overcome the front brain, and because they know each other so well, their aim is sure and exquisitely painful. However they also support each other as fiercely, because the terrain is well trod.

I know what you mean var123, when sometimes you've had enough of the trivial bickering promising to escalate into serious tears amongst hardened emotional criminals... other times I think they will be fine together after I'm gone and they are grey themselves. Now they are older I avoid arbitrating; I always say that it doesn't bother me if they kill each other, but I will apply financial and other sanctions on stuff dear to them (Social embarrassment is useful.). As long as they can easily see that the suffering I can inflict is terrible and equally spread, that usually stems the dash to oblivion.