My daughter is so clever, but so rude. Help!

[jools35]

This is my first ever message on a talk board, so bear with me. I have just returned from parents' evening where I was told my daughter (just turned 8, year 3 at a local junior school) is gifted and talented. We have always known she is very bright and creative - loves art/music/writing/reading etc. This is great and of course I'm very proud of her, but the teacher was also concerned about her negative behaviour, and said that she can be rude to adults. She has always been extremely challenging at home - has always questioned EVERYTHING and been defiant towards us and unkind to her younger brother and sister. She often seems hyperactive - can't sit still and is always leaping off sofa/tables and jumping around on beds. My solace has always been that she's been reasonably well-behaved at school, but now it seems that has worn off. Any advice out there? I have run out of strategies.
Just to add, she comes from a stable, loving home and we have always done everything to praise her and promote her self-esteem, yet she sometimes says she wishes she'd never been born! I am in despair...

I broadly agree with cod on this one - you need to talk to your daughter about her rudeness. It is possible she doesn't entirely realise she is being rude. I'd talk to the teacher about how the school is dealing with her rudeness - they should be doing something at school rather than just complaining to you and expecting you to deal with the problem at long range.

Eight is not an uncommon age for children to be exploring the possibilities of rudeness, and for their parents to be crawling up the wall with embarrassment over the matter. You need to deal with it, but I wouldn't worry that it is part of a serious underlying problem.

Filly I was wondering whether it may be adhd too?

Do you go to park everyday after school cod?

I'm finding this book, The Highly Sensitive Child very useful atm. I know it's been discussed controversially on here before, but I think it's amazing. It's a lot better than "The Difficult Child" which was a point of reference for me before - had to keep it hidden from dd so she wouldn't label herself as difficult. Your local library may have it - that's where I found the copy I'm reading, after hearing about it on here . Mumsnet to the rescue as always! Welcome!

Forgot to mention, in that book I'm just reading that "highly sensitive children" tend to be very critical - of themselves, of others, of institutions, of The System. As someone else says, it's linked to perfectionism. For what it's worth, I've persuaded both my kids to be a lot less perfectionist than I've always been, although it's a constant battle.

Thank you Fauve, the book sounds really interesting. I have spent many years telling dd which behaviour is acceptable and which isn't. She just doesn't seem to have the 'shut off' switch which my other kids have. She can't seem to stop herself.

You may want to call me on the NAGC Helpline 0845 450 0221, you may also like to visit our website www.nagcbritain.org.uk We have many Factsheets that I can send you on all aspects of giftedness. Most high ability children can come over as arrogant and precocious and very misunderstood by many adults. Often high ability brains mature "out of sync" the cognitive brain can mature quicker than the social and emotional brain and therefore high ability children can debate and communicate like an 18 yr old but have the social and emotional skills of their chronological age and below. There is a good book called The Out of Sync Child by Carol Kranowitz. You may also wish to research Asynchronicity on the internet and also look at the following websites on sensory integration www.maximum potential.info www.colourtherapy.co.uk www.inpp.org.uk Many high ability children's senses are heightened thus noise, feelings, touch, light etc are extremely sensitive. They are also very concerned and worried about sensitive world issues like poverty, religion, racism and global warming to name but a few.

I'm always recommending the out of synch child booknagcedcon- for all sorts of situations. It's an excellent (and cheap!) resource.

Very interesting thread. I have one grown up gifted DD and one three year old DD. They are like chalk and cheese. Older one very placid retreated into books, games etc and self. She still perfers her own company and I feel is quite isolated.
Second DD just started prep school she is 3 and 5 months she is gifted in a very different way to older dd. Her language skills are superb - I would guess at least 3 years ahead of her age - her comprehension of situations is good also. But, she flies off the handle at the smallest things, give up on simple things but does some amazing other things. She craves adult attention and older children - expects Mum and Dad to play with her all day! She can be very rude, despite being checked for it and punished at times. Immediately after she shouts and throws a fit - she will change completely into angel and ask politely for what she was screaming for. One of the most frustrating and infuriating (but also endearing) things is she forgets nothing and is so pedantic - everything just so, done in the same way and in the same order. Even though she is not yet reading (older DD was reading at three), she will spot a missed word, sentence in the most complicated stories and poems.
I have the first open day next week - I shall be interested to see what the teacher has made of her?

A fab thread. thankyou I haven't spoken to anyone before about my 2.5yr old dd (middle child)but she is driving me to distraction and though astounds everyone she has contact with her language/fantasy play/cunning etc i really am at my wits end with her difficult behaviour (yes i know terrible twos but am convinced she's bored witless by me) so great to be reminded about exercise and a light touch! Jools35--was your daughter like she is now at 2.5? can you tell? what would you have done differently?