How to handle "I'm brilliant at..."

[Flomple]

Just wondered what your approach to this is with a fairly young child. DS is Y1 and very good at maths, but he was a late talker and his 'knowledge & understanding of the world' is at best age 5.

Lately he has been saying he's the best in his class, or he's excellent at maths etc. I've heard his friends say very matter-of-factly that he's the best, the teacher called him a superstar etc, and today he relayed that his teacher told him she didn't know how to challenge him. In a way maybe it's good that they are all so matter of fact about this, but I have mixed feelings. What do you say when your 5 year old comes out with this sort of thing, especially when they're excelling at something they love deeply and spend hours and hours on at home, just for fun?

Not sure as mine have never done this but I'd probably respond with "yes, you really enjoy maths, don't you and X really loves reading doesn't she?"

Or something. So, try to replace the 'good at/excellent' stuff with enjoy/love. Then stress other things that are also fun/people achieve in.

I don't think there's anything wrong with him being praised for being good at maths or knowing that, but I'd definitely correct him for saying he's the best in the class.

I'm pleased you enjoy maths, you work so hard at it! Shall we do some practice now and then you can get even better at it!

I had this. What I didn't do (but now know I should've done) was start banging on about how its great to be very able but what really counts is effort, which seems to be the universally accepted thinking these days on dealing with high ability children.

Somebody called Carol Dweck wrote a book which is almost like a bible on the subject!

My analogy that I use on the DC all the time nowadays, is that its great to have a Porsche when everyone else is driving Fords, Volvos, BMWs, even fiat 500s etc, but it counts for nothing if you don't put it in gear and do something with it!

Agree very much with the praising effort, and the Carol Dweck book.

The conversations we have a lot of at home revolve around how everyone has a talent, which may be for academics, or may be for being very kind, and how some people know what their talents are straight away, and some take longer to discover them. But everyone has superpowers of some kind.

Thanks everyone. "Oh yes, he loves his numbers" is my stock answer when people in shops comment on it but I have to admit my gut response to "I'm the best in the class at maths" was less positive! It's a great idea though.

We have lived by the effort thing with his big sister but I find it quite difficult to apply to his maths. He doesn't coast but it's not exactly that he works hard at it either. He just loves it and does it for fun, and these big leaps just seem to present themselves to him along the way. Bringing effort vs not working into it just doesn't compute, IYKWIM? He does have to work at other stuff but it's not the same. He's 5, he's looking at a set of times tables and idly deriving the existence of prime numbers, or he's doing his own special maths work in class without turning a hair. How is that effort or not effort? Perhaps I need to read the Dweck book.

Clearly he needs to apply himself to other things, but it seems a bit mean to knock him down with "yes but you need to work harder at your writing" when he is boasting feeling proud of himself. I do think he is largely repeating what he's been told, but he does need to learn to stop saying it himself.

"I'm glad you're doing well / are pleased with how yore doing / enjoy math so much/that the teacher enjoys having you in class". You can be happy for him and share that pleasure. Or just ask a question "So what did you do that impressed the teacher so much?" and let him share his day that way.

fwiw, I find mine brags about anything he can and he really isn't amazing, they just love to find anything to brag about.

It's when they're 13 & can't move subject from self that it gets irritating.

I completely empathise with not wanting to change the subject to what the child is weak as whenever he talks with pleasure about maths. I feel exactly the same with DS2.

Not sure if this is a fair thing to say or not, but DS2 was in exactly the same position in year 1. Then nothing really changed in year 2, except the year 2 teacher didn't seem pleased to have DS2 asking for harder work in her class (too far from the norm) and did her best to pretend his abilities weren't there. Years 3 & 4 credited DS with being a skilled mathematician but couldn't help. It has taken to year 6 to have a teacher once again saying that he's exceptionally able AND its a good thing AND she'll attempt to challenge him!!!

So, to the OP, maybe you should just enjoy let your DS for another 6 months and then hold your breath to see if you'll get 2 teachers like this in a row.

Thank you both, and apologies for my late reply. Var123 that's an interesting, if a bit sad, voice of experience. I hope your DS is really enjoying Y6.

If my child shows off about something then I say, that's ss maybe, but you aren't very good at modesty, are you?

We always praise and then try and steer him to areas he needs help on. He then equally loudly shouts "I'm rubbish at X" then we try and boost confidence and we end up back at "I'm the best at Y". We tried the "we all have talents" line but he quickly started asking what people's were and that got us into awkward conversations in front of other young children! The joys of parenting.

I usually just say to DD "yes, you've been working really hard at XYZ, I can tell the effort is paying off"

We try to avoid using terms such as 'clever' as it seemed to lead to complacency in Y1 and 2. And some embarrassing loud declarations in the playground