DD Got a Scholarship to Prep School - Need Advice Please

[WKMum]

My G&T DD (age 10) recently got a very generous award to attend a top local prep school from September.

Since DD has been unhappy and bored at her (Ofsted Outstanding ...) primary school since joining in YR, and since it is obviously a great achievement for her to have got this award, I'm naturally very proud of her and have been full of praise for her.

However, I have to confess to being really worried about the fact that, compared to the majority of the children there, DD is going to be the poorest by a long way.

Since I'm a single parent, it's going to be pretty difficult for me to pay even the very tiny percentage of the fees that I have to, let alone 'keep up with the Joneses' in terms of all the ponies, skiing holidays, iPads and designer label items the other children have. We don't even have a car and most of these people drive Bentleys!

I know that DD will get excellent academic opportunities at the school with great teachers and smaller class sizes, added to which there are a host of fabulous facilities - pool, theatre, acres of playing fields, etc. - but part of me worries that she will end up feeling resentful that she has so little (materially speaking) by comparison and this might dent her confidence.

Clearly, I did weigh up all the advantages and disadvantages in this regard before entering her for the scholarship exam, but now that the reality is almost upon us, I'm trying to think of the best way to encourage her to make the most of the school and brush off any feelings of inadequacy (or - worst case scenario - any teasing she gets about being poor).

Has anyone else been through a similar experience who might have some advice about how to keep her confidence up? Being G&T, she sees straight through me when I try to convince her of something she knows isn't the case, and comes straight back with a scathing remark!

Thanks!

If you don't make a 'thing' about it, neither will she. You'll be surprised how many children are from modest homes in the private schools. Fees paid by grandparents, families who have nothing left after fees etc. Don't make assumptions. My DD's friend's parents include; a taxi driver, a cleaner, a sushi chef, a newsagent....Actually, in an academically selective school, the less well off you are sends a signal- your kid is super clever. DD will get cred for this. Don't be shy about inviting girls to play at your home. Be proud of your achievement with the little brainbox!

Agree, if you are confident that your income is not relevant to your daughter's abilities and opportunities, she will learn that it's not what you have but who you are and what you do that matters. And there may be a very few children with masses of stuff and a glib arrogance in how they react to it, but there will be lots of others who are normal.

We have the same, dd1 starts her private school in Sept
I am worried about being the poorer family but tbh, what does it matter. Money is one thing,?it doesn't make you a better person.

We are planning on raiding the second hand uniform cupboard next week.

As for school trips,? I'm not sure what we will do but I know I have to give dd1 this opportunity and will do my best to make it work.

Thanks for your wise words - I think I got a bit freaked out when I went out for drinks the other night with a couple of women I know with kids at the school. They both have lovely large detached 5-bed Victorian houses and were moaning about how poor they felt in comparison with the other parents at the school! One child in DDs class-to-be has four ponies! And there we are in a two-up two-down terrace following ex's decision to leave last year and now I have hardly two beans left to rub together!

Another issue for me, I think, is that I went to prep school myself - though my parents were fairly comfortably off, so being the poorest kid wasn't really an issue for me - but I do know how bitchy children can be ...

Anyway, I know you're absolutely right that if I can show DD I'm not worried about it then she will at least see that you should hold your head up proud whatever your situation.

Lisa - can you believe they just changed the uniform this year, so now I have to buy entirely new kit coming to over £500! Yikes!

A lot of parents will be scrimping and saving in order to pay the fees, others won't. There's going to be some parents who won't speak to you again, whereas others will be really friendly.

There's usually a second hand uniform shop at the school, a lot of parents don't buy new uniform (even the ones who are minted). Some parents replace the uniform yearly, so it's worth asking the school.

WK just check which items HAVE to be school badged ect.
I'm trying to work out the school runs as certainly can't afford the school bus this year

Good luck, I was the poorest and I was fine. Some have huge houses and cars, others scrimp and save and forgo holidays, have smaller cars etc... Also as you go up the school many a divorce turns the former mums into the latter...

I will definitely be going for second-hand uniform next year, by which time there will hopefully be some!

Thanks Chestnut - fingers crossed it will be water off a duck's back to my DD, who has sacks of confidence.

And, as everyone rightly says, ultimately the material things in life don't matter (I am always preaching this to DD, but I'm not sure she's so convinced!).

My hope is that she will get a lot out of this fantastic opportunity and hopefully develop her talents in ways the local primary didn't have the resources to do.

Fingers crossed!

Also, having posted in the 'lone parents' section of this site about being lonely in the evenings - who knows: maybe I will find a nice divorced dad to spend some time with!

If you plan, it will be OK. There will be a lot of children in oversized blazers, which won't need replacing for a couple of years at least. The blazer usually costs the most money. Just remember that the school holidays are likely to be longer than the ones in the state school she's in currently, it can be a logistical nightmare when trying to sort out childcare. Ignore the other parents, some will snub you anyway because your child is bright (been there).

Pinafores and summer dresses (not sure if she is going into year 6 or 7) are really expensive too ours are £35 each, unless you love washing everyday then it can get expensive. If you go to second hand uniform you go to blazers first, then pinafores/skirts/dresses. Jumpers and cardigans you can usually easily get and don't look so worn.

Summer dresses are not needed till summer term and they are only allowed cardi with summer dresses.
So need blazer, kilt, and jumper from store cupboard. Going to look at PE kit but guessing they don't second hand so well
Blazers new are £90!

Just been and raided school uniform shop

At dd's school, almost everyone buys 2nd hand uniform. The new stuff is itchy.

Good luck all. It'll be fine!

My kids state school has a lot of hugely wealthy kids and parents (who would have paid had their darlings not got to grammar) . We are not " poor" really but DD2 is the kid in her big sisters hand me down uniform etc and they don't have flashy gadgets/latest phones etc, no one bothers.

One of DD1s best mates has ponys, does eventing and is now exploring it as a career! DS has mates with huge houses . THis is to be encouraged. THey hold parties and the parties don't need to happen here where the only place we could hold them is the garden!

It will be a problem I guess for some parents who feel they pay for education " because we are posh and want out kids to be posh" but I'm not sure if you need to worry over much about those people!

We have some super wealthy parents at our international school, but lots of children from other back grounds too. I too am single and can never compete with the porsche driving brigade. But neither do I want to :) Teach your child your values, with confidence. Children are so naturally compassionate and empathetic - helping your daughter understand how much she has (a home, loving parent etc.) compared to others will help her appreciate what she has rather than wishing after what she doesn't have, if she even notices. From a young age I have talked to my DD about giving to charity, being thankful for what we have, how some children have less etc and it really does make them see the world in a positive light I think. Hope your daughter has a wonderful time at her new school.

my ds got an academic scholarship aged 9. We were also one of the poorer families. Made no difference to him at all. Academic achievement was highly regarded at the school so the scholars were all good friends regardless of family background. You should try really hard not to feel intimidated, I know only too well how hard that can be but I can honestly say the majority of the parents were lovely.

Sorry not to have responded sooner - I haven't had time to check mnet recently. Thanks for all the sound advice and words of encouragement. I'll post again after she starts to let you know how she gets on ... Fingers crossed!

Same position here WKmum - DS started last year.

It never ever been a problem for him.

Nor for DS1 who is now grown up.

Just do not discuss it and make your DD feel like there are "us" and "them".

PS Well done to the clever DD :)

We moved DD from the local state infants (Ofsted outstanding) to the local top pre prep (we are in Bucks) because the state school only aimed at keeping everyone in the middle, and not supporting the g&t kids like our lass. Like you, we are among the less affluent parents - I have to work to pay the fees, and we can only manage because we only have one child. It is an absolute credit to this wonderful school that not one of the girls gives a stuff about another's background. They are all equal under one school roof and are a mixture of nationalities, ethnicity, affluence, educational ability, and also disability. The school is what shapes the pupils' attitudes and fortunately, by and large, the parents all support this. The right school will ensure that all its pupils are supported and welcomed by everyone, and the right parents are the ones who will become your closest friends.