Some advice from you more experienced mums, please? It's long, sorry.

[phdlife]

Hi. I'm in Australia - this is relevant - and want to ask about my 5yo ds.

He should have started prep (equivalent to reception) in January but I kept him back because

1. he is an April baby where intakes start in July, so pretty young in his class
2. he was emotionally young with it - no grasp at all, at that stage, of his fiery emotions, intense finger-sucking, huge anxiety about strangers,
3. changes to the school structure mean he would have started high school age 11
4. at the start of the year, he could not cope with more than 2 days without a nap
5. he did not want to have anything to do with other children his own age, and was adamant he was never, ever going to school (partly because of the other children, partly because he didn't want to be away from me). and a few other, smaller reasons. I wasn't worried about his academic development because dh and I are nerds and pretty much got that angle covered.

Instead I moved him to a larger kindy that was keen to give him a bit more time to grow up, and a teacher who is very proactive in helping children to socialise. Now we're halfway through the year, she's started saying things like, "he's very quirky, there's not enough to pin a diagnosis on but I think he has some Asperger's traits", "He's very eccentric", "He's our little professor". She's never seen his temper, only that he prefers the company of adults and has a lot of trouble adapting to change.

But as much as I can see where he's coming from, I also know that he doesn't usually have that much trouble adapting to change - partly it's that environment, with a bunch of younger kids and a jolly-jolly teacher - and I know he's a fully affectionate child, not just with his family but friends and even their mothers. He has no problem at all organising a group of 9 year olds in a park into his own game, and has a ball doing so.

My bff says, "Yes well I keep telling you he reminds me of my (off-the-scale) gifted son - this is often mistaken for Asperger's - get him tested!". He's bright, there's enough there to make me go 'hmmm', but testing would cost us about $700 and we just don't have the budget for it atm. I've also recently found a book about left-brained children that was ticking ALL the boxes for me - more so, I think, than the giftedness (though of course I'd be a rotten judge of that).

So here's my question. I've got in mind to send him, next year, to a tiny alternative school, rather than the local state school (12x larger, who wanted to put him in special needs classes to help socialise him into prep last year!) The alternative school has some advantages: its tiny size, its democratic approach to everything, its grouping children in three broad groups rather than years, its use of excursions and non-typical learning tools eg. cooking, carpentry, to help children master the state curriculum. I think he could thrive there, socially, and get a broader education than he would at the reular school. (wathc the typos start now he's sitting on my lap!)

Otoh, academics are not this primary school's strength. My gut feeling is, that matters less at this level of eduction; ds's genetic inclination is towards bookishness, we can support that at home. What do you think, though? Just interested in feedback, if you've managed to read this far.

thanks.

Sounds ideal. TBH, if the other school is trying to 'label' him to try to get him to 'fit in' rather than work on the positives, he's not going to enjoy learning anyway.

Be cautious of those wishing to label your child as 'on the spectrum' or 'special needs' based on nothing more than observation at kindergarten! Lot's of kids have so-called 'Asperger traits' for no other reason than the rich tapestry of human diversity :) After all, some of us are social and outgoing, some of us are bookish, sporty, anti-social, asocial, nerdy, geeky or just plain old boring :) :) The large school which wanted to special ed. him last year - what would they provide him with in terms of experience this year when compared to the smaller indy school? FWIW I think the smaller school sounds like a really lovely environment for a small child; much more so than the giant school.

Total sidetrack, because I can't help, but could you possibly remember what the title of the left-brain book was...wondering and trying not to obsess about 8yo DD3.

Thanks, and sorry...

I have a load of relevant experience, Summerhill model school that was devoid of ambition or high achievement, bullied myself & DS1 was bullied, tiny schools that are good at pastoral care but not academics, too much to say details or I'll completely out myself!

I think it's fine as long as you keep tabs on whether the trade-off in academic vs. pastoral care is still worth it. Be willing to move him if you think he becomes ready for a more stimulating environment.

The small school sounds delightful in many ways, but from your description it sounds like it may be a Steiner one. They tend to delay teaching reading etc until much later than mainstream schools, and believe in everyone doing everything together. If he is very bright, I would worry that he might get frustrated at having to work at such a slow pace.

I would also personally have other issues with Steiner (if that is what it is) to do with the religious philosophy it is based on, and some of their educational ideas, but if you have looked into that (they don't always make the basis of their educational philosophy clear to prospective parents - you need to do the research yourself) and are happy with it, it may be fine for you. But I don't see them as great for children who look likely to be very academically inclined.

For what it's worth, I have a very bright, quirky son who did make me wonder about some ASD-traits when he was younger - obsessive focus on things, sensory issues etc. Also much happier with adults/older children.

He really wasn't ready for school at just-turned-four, so I kept him at a kindergarten (in Japan) until just as he turned five. By then he was getting extremely bored with the play/handicraft focus of the kindergarten (not Steiner, by the way, but with some similarities) and was definitely ready for more academic learning. They can change a lot in a year!

I was a bit worried about him adjusting to the international school he started at age 5, but in fact from almost the first day he thrived on all the new stuff to learn, and the greater degree of structure seemed to suit him. It was a small, multi-age school, with small classes, though. Then at 8 we moved back to the UK and he went to a normal primary school with huge classes (38 at one stage), and again adjusted much more easily than I expected.

thanks, all. Sorry I've been away for a couple of days - dh is away so I'm doing it singlehanded atm.

exexpat it's not a Steiner school; it's a bit more structured than that; doesn't have the religion, and as I understood it last year, the idea of having them in broad groups is to allow them to work at their own speeds. Agree how much they can change in a year, but ds's change seems to be far more about his social interactions than his academic interests.

It really seems a lovely place and I did talk to one mum whose 1st two dc's went on to be very content at a highly academic high school, so perhaps I shouldn't worry so. I guess I was thinking about whether I'm in love with the school for myself or for him :)

I think Adventures point about being willing to change is excellent; will try to bear that in mind.

Tumbleweeds The book is called Raising a Left-Brained Child in a Right-Brained World: Strategies for helping bright, quirky, socially awkward children to thrive at home and at school. By Katharine Beals, Phd (Trumpeter, 2009). As I've read more I'm thinking, actually, he's really not that quirky. But she does make an interesting argument and may have some good suggestions for others. Hth.