struggling with having a 'gifted' child. Sorry, a bit of a rambling moan...

[globalmouse]

I am trying my best to write this without sounding smug, as I really am not, but I am aware that talking about how clever your child is does come across like that. Please don't flame me!

I am a teacher btw, but this is from the perspective of a mother, not a teacher.
I know ds is a few years ahead of his peers academically - he is ahead of the children I teach, and they are 2 years older than he is. He is like a sponge, soaking up knowledge and information and skills.

I'll come straight out and say I am struggling with having a 'gifted' child. Seems ridiculous, but I feel an enormous amount of pressure to give him the best opportunities so he can do the best in life that he can / wants. I feel terrible writing all this, but please be clear I am not judging other kids or schools, I just want the best for ds.

My problem is, he goes to a school with a below average attainment at end of KS1. The local middle school does not have great attainment either. he didn't get into the nearby school that DOES have high results, as unsurprisingly it is oversubscribed. I just feel an enormous pressure to get him into a school where other kids are above average, so he doesn't stick out so much. I can see him getting turned off school in the future, or coasting because its too easy. He loves a challenge, but I can't see how he will be catered for in our local schools. In my class, I do my best to stretch the most able children, but I've never had to teach a child who is so far ahead of their peers, and i also know how difficult it is to keep very able children motivated and interested while catering for the needs of the rest of the class. His current teacher is great at stretching him as much as she can in YR, but already he finds school boring :(

Of course, I do things with him outside school, but I don't 'teach' him, I just let him lead the way. I'd home-ed if I could afford to not work.

How do you all cope? Have you changed schools so your child goes to the one with the best attainment in your area (we didn't get into that oversubscribed school)? If not, how has your child fared? Will they do well no matter what the school? Am I just worrying too much?

Hi globalmouse, I can definitely relate to what you're saying :)

No, you're not worrying too much, I think you're quite justified to plan ahead. My advice would be to concentrate on the 'fit' of the school and your DS - if he's happy and the school are happy with him, you don't need to worry!! Even if he's not reaching his full potential - yet. Extend him at home, get him extra tuition if necessary, do projects that teach him study skills at a different level, help him build those all-important social skills, let him enjoy a carefree childhood. (Join the NAGC for advice.)

It's the secondary school stage that matters much more for his future - and you could always consider applying for a bursary to an independent at that stage, if you feel the local state schools won't completely cater for his needs.

Believe it or not, IME good/outstanding schools can be surprisingly reluctant to let gifted kids work at their own level - they can have a very rigid approach to learning. So your current school may be a much better fit for your DS than you realise. If your son is happy, the school are happy and you feel you can work with the school, I would say leave it for now and just plan ahead for secondary.

Good luck! :o

Mine have always been in pretty average school. The girls are fine, but it's Ds that I'm beginning to have concerns about setting in yr 5.

I do think that as long as things are ticking over, the earlier years are not so important. (dd2 was working between 3 and 7 years ahead in yr r. She's yr 3 now and still fine. School get to know the kids and do try to work with the outliers.)

Yr r has always been a bit of a waste of time academically, tbh. I try to just think of it as an extension to playtime in a different environment, working on different skills. Not academic at all.

Have you thought about private school? Sounds like your Ds could get a scholarship / bursary in academically selective school . (Apologies if this is against your principals) .

I had the same problem , may be not to that extent but both Ds1 and Ds2 got to the point where they were bored and frustrated at their local schools (which were actually very nice primary schools ).

Ds1 did everything to fit in but I didn't like what he was turning into , Ds2 on the other hand had a very hard time fitting in and kept saying he felt he was "weird" and he wishes he was "normal".

Luckily ,both got very generous scholarships and suddenly they were with kids of similar ability and not at all "weird".

Ds1 is now graduated from a very good uni and doing very well in life, has interesting and well paid job, lots of interesting friends, lots of travel - nothing to complain about.
Ds2 started in year 5 (that's when most prep school offer scholarships i think ) but also introduce extra subjects.Taught in small groups by specialist subject teachers - he took to it like a fish to water.

I don't think state schools can cater very well for brighter children - how can you with 30-40 in the class?

I am not saying all private schools are better BTW, it takes some research to find the right school for your DC.

I do think that under-stimulating a bright child can be damaging so I know exactly how you feel.

Anyway, worked very well for my DC.

We have my 7 year old daughter (apparently gifted in literacy and art, 2 school years ahead I am told) in the local primary school which is rated outstanding. There are 30 children to a class and there is another child in the class who I think is gifted so we are lucky they work together a lot. There are a small number of the other children in her class who are unusually bright. So far the teachers have been able to stretch her. We are very lucky to have an amazing head who improved the school no end.

In year one I thought the teacher paid particular attention and spent considerable time challenging the brighter children. The whole class came on leaps and bounds. As my daughter is progressing through the school I think they leave the brighter ones to work as a group a little more, although she is learning fast and stimulated. I help in the class as a parent helper so I see very clearly how the children are taught. If helping in class once a week even for an hour is an option, that can help to see how things are working and might cement any decision you make.

I think if my daughter wasn't enjoying school and was not being stretched I would be frustrated enough to want to move her (although we can't afford private at the moment). I would go on the waiting list for a better attaining school if I thought she was bored. Although you may want to wait until the next school year to see if that teacher is more able to challenge her.

I would certainly want to speak very soon to the head teacher and/or teacher about the policy of teaching and challenging the more able children. You have a very valid concern and if your child is bored (for goodness sake, if I was the teacher I would be very concerned) the school ought to react. The attitude of the school and teachers is so important and in my experience the input the brighter children get seems to be part of school policy. All children at all levels should be challenged by school, how else will they learn?

I would want to be tactfully asking the head for lots of details on how they work and whether they can improve this situation. Is there a parent governer helping with this? Is it possible for you to be a parent governer helping with investigating stimulation of the brighter pupils? Or any other initiatives you can think of. For example our school have creative enrichment afternoons which is great as she is doing art at the moment. They also have moved certain children into different classes for some lessons.

I totally agree you can?t talk to other parents about this easily. My daughter has challenging behaviour that comes with being gifted and she can be aggressive but some other parents just see this as a problem of permissive parenting. Which it isn?t. Lay the law down and she just burns every bridge she has. If she were bored at school maybe this would come out at school instead of at home, these are real problems!

Sorry got so long!

sorry challenge him...

Some advice I just found, don't mention the word 'bored' to the teachers, not sure how you can put that diplomatically, as you are a teacher you will know what to say if you talk to them!

Coasting is a good word to use.

Thanks for your replies.
Tbh,I think part of his problem in not liking school is to do with not wanting to be separated from me, and wanting to play wii all day instead! If his teacher says he is happy when I go, and I guess I'll have to go from there! And she is being very good at stretching him sideways in his reading and maths too. I will follow up the G&t policy too.
I guess YR isn't academic, but more learning how to be at school and learning social skills, so I will see how he does in Y1, and if he seems unchallenged. But I was very pleased to hear how people's dcs have fared well in an 'average' school. so I guess it is the secondary school I will plan for more than the primary.
It still feels like a pressure to find a high achieving school for him to fit into, but I'm now feeling like it doesn't have to be done RIGHT NOW! I have always been totally against private schools, but will eat my words and would definitely try to get a bursary for a selective one when he is older if I don't feel the local secondaries will challenge him. Hypocrite that I am ;)
Thanks for your advice, this feels like something I can't talk to other parents about at all :(

year one may be different, things get more formal. another Mum said that her bright ds was not spotted in Reception, and I thought that dd's maths was not spotted either, though she can hide it well. both of us are teachers so, like you have a reasonable idea of what is expected even if in different year groups/out of the profession. year one seems to have found them out a bit more although dd is still not working independently

I have found that you can achieve a lot in the holidays by playing games on the computer and 5 minutes here or there.