Gifted and Talented but not socially

[Scatter]

Does anyone else have a child who is academically super-able, but socially a bit less so? My ds (10) has always flown through anything school-related, and has general good behaviour, but is hyper sensitive to any criticism of his behaviour, and seems totally unable to compromise where compromise is needed. He likes things to have 'rules' and seems unable to cope when a perceived 'rule' isn't followed. He swings between being super-reasonable and super-unreasonable, and sometimes can seem much less socially mature than his younger brother. His friendships are ok, although I think he tends to prefer one-on-one to group situations. Several times recently, in group situations, he has stomped off or shouted at friends when things haven't gone his way (ie if he wants to play a game the way it's 'usually' played and they don't). He is prone to bursting into tears and claiming that nobody loves him, which is not true. The rest of the time he's a perfectly reasonable, loving, fun-to-be-with child. Anyone else got similar stories to reassure me that he's not going to struggle socially for the rest of his life?!!

You describe my ds1(8) exactly. To a T. But he is not G&T. He is Aspergers. But it is interesting to me how incredibly similar they are.
Why not build on the freindship/s he has. His closest friend/friends, invite them round more. Then they can talk wii's, ds's, star wars, binweevils, or whatever they want to. I think that encouraging the closest friendship as much a poss, is one of the most important things.

My son is 5 and follows the rule to evrey bit.He is very precise and clear on what he wants,expects and does.His teacher found this.I was told he spents time in library corner where he will not be reading ,but watching what others do.I was told this as fact and seems school is happy with it.
But I am really not sure of where it will end

Some people will say it's Asperger's. It could also be asynchronous development. These two things could even be the same thing under different names & differing severities, who knows. James Webb suggests that Aspergers and giftedness may be on the same continuum.

My DD (7) is a bit like that too. She has been assessed as not having Aspergers, but her emotional development is way behind her academic ability.

Useful things to look up might be "Executive Function" "Asynchronous Development", and books that have helped us include "The Explosive Child", "How to talk to kids so kids will listen and listen so they talk", "Late, lost and unprepared - the guide to executive dysfunction". Social skills definitely can be taught. In our case I realised I needed to teach many things very explicitly by talking about them, I couldn't rely on DD to pick them up from social interaction alone.

You're definitely not alone OP

Thank you to you all for your replies. This 'mis'behaviour only occurs at home. Is that relevant, or something others of you experience? Does it mean that we are doing something wrong?

No, it doesn't. He's probably just more relaxed at home, i.e. he can let his negative feelings out at home in a way he can't at school where he's under pressure to conform. That's completely normal!

No, school think he is a model pupil. At home he is terrible, sobbing, saying how lonely he is.
Frog, I will have a look at your reading list. Apart form 'how to talk' , which is a lovely book, but we have gone way past that. How you posted previously on how you addressed the social skillls side? Because I could do with your advice on that. BIG TIME.

Just marking place on this as ds4 is also behind socially but very ahead academically. Also very rule driven and will react extremely to being told off (hitting or pinching himself , this is new). He has SALT assessment on Monday. He's such an amazing, loving little boy and is finally settled at preschool and has IEP to help him

That was ds 4 years on ds number 4! Only have 2 ds's and a dd

My DS2 (aged 9) is very like this as well - except that the immaturity shows more at school than at home. Things that have helped have been activities like Cubs and Drama, and lots of time spent on practising specific skills. For example, he found it hard to hold a phone conversation, which was a major problem since my DH travels a lot for work and is often away for a week at a time. So we spent a lot of time thinking about what he could say on the phone, then having conversations with me pretending to be a caller. He is great at this now, DH and grandparents all comment on how nice it is to talk to him.

It is so hard though, and takes a lot of patience. I think a lot of the issues date back to when he started school; he didn't make many friends by telling other people they were silly, and he couldn't understand why they couldn't grasp what is as clear as day to him.

Blimey, you could all be talking about ds1, he is ahead academically but really struggles socially and with anything unexpected or non routine.

He gets emotional at school and is permanently fearful of getting into trouble. If his teacher told him to jump n the sea he would but he's not like that at home. He is very inflexible, thrives on routine and knowing what's coming. He's very bossy with his brother at times and appears to cope better with adult company than other children. he responds reAlly well to 1:1 adult time and you can have really lovely mature discussions with him but I think he flummoxes some children because he is serious in his manner.

He does have some friends but not many. He really struggles with lots of social situations, children his own age. He is very relaxed and himself with his cousins though, even though he doesn't see them that often.

We have had periods of the whole 'you don't love me' too and if anything is going wrong at school it is perfectly obvious because his behaviour deteriorates rapidly. He had a letter home on Monday telling us that world book day is non uniform day but the children can go as a book character if they wish. Ds1 who hates dressing up says that his teacher has told him they have to dress up and got himself into an almighty tantrum because he hates dressing up and he couldn't think of a character, has to be Michael Morpurgo apparently. So again, what his teacher says overrides anyone else including a letter from the school!!!

I have often wondered if he has aspergers traits. As he's getting older I think the challenge is getting him to recognise his personality traits and the things he struggles with.

Nice to write it all down and read about other people going through similar.

Thank you for starting this thread OP as I've found it very interesting!

DD1 is 3.2 and seems bright with some unusually gifted behaviour (all letters and numbers known before two, could recite long books before two, can now count to 100, remembers things from days and weeks ago etc etc)

She seems highly complex emotionally, prone to burst into tears when things don't go her way, is obsessed with accuracy when we read to her, shows some perfectionist behaviour in that she won't try things she thinks she can't do. No behavioural ticks or insistence on specific routine, however, although she likes to know what's happening.

HV team are concerned because she still mostly refers to herself as 'you' and by her name, instead of with 'I' and 'me'. She doesn't 'share' experiences and show us things. Also although perfectly happy to be at preschool she just watches the others and never joins in. Because of all this she is being referred to early support.

Eyeofnewt I found your comments really enlightening and will definitely pursue those books - I know the HV team think she is on the autistic spectrum somewhere but I had also considered it could be asynchronous development.

It is good to know that others have found this boundary rather blurred.

Also watching with interest. Ds is 4.8years, youngest in his class, very bright, SENCO getting involved to see where we progress from here. He has an astounding memory, specifically regarding numbers. Also advanced reading age. Thrives on routine but isn't particularly distressed if it changes (though I think I realised how important routine was to him at an early age so consciously changed it gently to get him used to change if that makes sense?)

Socially however he is "behind". He's great at home. Only child so more used to adult company. At school, he's a loner and it breaks my heart sometimes. Same as a previous poster, I think other kids his age think he's a bit weird. Equally he is perplexed when trying to communicate with them as his vocabulary and language is older than his years. Seemingly never the twain shall meet.

Sorry, have nothing to add to the discussion, but what are binweevils?

ds1 (10) all of the above. aspergers suggested before, but current dx adhd (although he has 'traits'). seeing psych for anxiety related ishoos. she thinks his (spiky) profile is 'remarkable' and looked chuffed to ribbons to stick a pin in him and peer at him a bit closer.

Please won't someone tell me what a binweevil is?

I had to read the whole thread through again just to find where binweevils were mentioned No idea what they are though

This describes my ds2. When younger ( now 9) he was way ahead academically ( despite august birthday), but socially awkward. We did not push the academics. Let him come top, school did extension stuff with him. What we did do is join loads of team based activities - a rugby team, an orchestra, a football team, a swim squad. As school was so easy he had time. This meant he could get used to being with other children in different environments and enjoy their company. It worked. He is now so much better socially and a very competent all rounder with multiple interests. He still struggles to suffer fools and gets very annoyed with children who distract him in class but he has a big friendship group and lots of confidence. It took time, but it worked. HTH.

I think there is a website called binweevils where you can play a game

I ponder that too QED. I also worry that, because DS is and always will be, an olny child that he gets little interaction with other kids aside from school. He's only 4 though so I'm hoping that as he joins clubs etc, that will change.

I saw at an early age that rules/routine were important to him and was worried that it could be problematic somewhat further down the line. So I slowly started to vary routines (and I was never Mother Earth so routines were extremely helpful to me coping!) in the hope that, he would get used to changes if that makes sense?

I worried a lot about my dd2 until recently, now she is 9 and things are much better socially. Apart from not being able to make herself understood by people under 16, she also had to cope with being top of the class in various topics, as they get older this can result in being called brainbox, weirdo, geek etc in a jokey way. Not obviously bullying but more of being singled out which she hates.

I tried all sorts of things, I think the most successful were keeping her busy with activities, both team and individual, she hated most of the team things but the things she enjoyed doing even by herself made her happier and more fun to be around, and gave her something to share when she did meet kids with a similar interest.

It was worth me engineering her to meet with kids outside of school circles, and other bright ones with similar interests like on an NAGC weekend-she didn't make any lasting friendships, but it did help to know she's not the only one in the world, just the only one in the school!

I don't have boys but I can see that they take longer than girls on average to get the social thing-actually maybe never in the case of DH.

Oh and an interesting thing is that she can now tell me much more about Why she did certain things, had tantrums, etc. about incidents that happened YEARS ago-she clearly remembers all the details.

I found a painting recently she did aged 5 which I loved but she always hated, she had put no face on it, now she tells me in great detial what happened that day- turns out the teacher had tried to make her do it a certain way and the very bold style and dark colours was actually expressing her anger, and the no-face was part of the protest.

Really interesting thread - my DS (yr1) is doing really well academically but is a little gauche socially - quite happy as long as he is in charge of everyone (oh, the playground fights!!!) - so sometimes feels quite miserable and isolated. Teacher says other children often don't understand him - quite advanced vocab and ideas - but generally seems happy and is learning an awful lot socially. My niece, now 11, is very G&T and spent a lot of time telling classmates they were "stupid", their games were silly, parents were idiots etc - not good! Left her very isolated and miserable - in the end her parents transferred her to a school with a G&T programme (in Canada state system) and she is much happier with other like-minded kids.

It appears to be quite a common occurrence then.

Glad to know ds is not alone in this.

It's so reassuring to hear others have a similar situation! :) Makes banging of head on brick wall less lonely!

Just out of interest - how is everyone else's school handling this? Are they aware? Are they supportive? Any special strategies that have worked for you/DC? Someone mentioned an IEP - are you finding this a useful way to tackle the issue?

We had DS assessed by CAMHS as v v bright but socially behind. Wouldnt have done it but anxiety at school through roof. AS Dx was correct, was being made anxious by changes of routine, lack of warning about timetable and noise levels at school. Still a big tattletale as rules are so important, NOT a crowd pleaser that one! Dx has helped with getting IEP and (with a huge battle) 4 sessions with CAMHS re anxiety. Telling DS about his Dx today, wish me luck! (he's already said in the past his brain is different. I love his brain!)