Letter home from school

[HoneyandHaycorns]

This is an aibu but don't want to be accused of stealth boasting so I'm putting it here.

I know that some people feel it's ok to tell their children that they are "gifted", and I have no beef with what other people choose to share, or not share, with their children. But I have consistently made it very clear to the school over the last few years that I do not want my daughter to know that she has been labelled, and they have always agreed that she doesn't need to know.

So today, she comes home with a fairly explicit letter about provision for children on the gifted & talented register, noting that only two other children in her class received the same letter. She read the letter in school, cue lots of questions about what the "register" is.

She already knew that she was ahead of her peers, so it isn't the end of the world, and obviously, I am grateful that the school is at least trying to make suitable provision, but aibu to think that the school should have respected my wishes on this issue?

Meh. I wouldn't be too fussed about it TBH.

I've had the same problem. I complained to the school and asked they put it in an envelope next time. They said it was a fair point and did so.

It's a great school generally, so I don't like to complain if I don't have to. Also, it would be a bit like closing the stable door after the horse has bolted if they put the next one in an envelope, so I will probably leave it. Just a bit annoyed that it wasn't thought through.

Ah well, as I say, it isn't the end of the world.

How old is she?

Also, if you complain, then the NEXT mum with the same feelings won't have to go through the same (also, what if it was about something more personal...?)

She is six, in y2.

It's a good point about telling the school to avoid this situation for other families in the future.

I guess I am paricularly annoyed because I have already discussed this with them and made my views clear. They wanted to accelerate her by a year when she was in reception, and I attended a number of meetings about this.

That would drive me nuts, too. (unless the letter is from a new individual, who wasn't in all those meetings?)

Also, if an envelope costs too much, surely a bit of tape to seal the letter isn't too difficult...?

Letter was from G&T coordinator, who also happens to be her class teacher this year and was involved in all previous meetings.

She's a great teacher, actually, and probably just forgot. I might have a quiet word but won't make a big fuss. I know the teachers are busy, and worse things could have happened.

An envelope is all they need. Your reaction is unreasonable. Chill out, you have a bright and intelligent daughter that your school is trying to help.

All kids are labelled. It actually means very little I think.

I would be very upset especially if they knew my feelings.

See, I agree that the labels mean very little, but that's one of my main objections. I was labelled as a kid, and I really don't think it was helpful.

Maybe I do just need to chill, but I don't think I'm massively over-reacting, am I? Fact is, my wishes as a parent have been disregarded.

Thanks iggly - x post

Honey, your feelings and wishes will sometimes be disregarded by schools as they are busy places who do not have the time, care or attention to detail to take into account the subtle wishes of each parent. Sorry, but it's true.

Both dcs are labelled, it's ok. What I would say is that when a child gets a reputation or a parent does, that does cause problems...

Oneliein, if you have read my posts, you will see that I have acknowledged that the teachers are busy and I have said that I'm not going to go in and make a fuss. I don't think it's a big deal, but I do think the school has got it wrong on this occasion.

I know I am not a PITA parent, and I have no intention of becoming one.

Even if she hadn't read the letter, wouldn't she wonder anyway why she is doing things that other children in the class don't get to do?

When DD was in year 2 she went on one external maths day and one art day, which were part of the LEA's local area G&T provision. There were only three from her school at the maths day and she was the only one for the art day so it was rather difficult to explain to her what was going on without mentioning the G&T label in some way.

I feel that making it a big secret is just storing up problems for the future - better to explain in some way that doesn't make her feel superior/big-headed or under pressure to live up to the label. It's very easy to explain a G&T programme without making it a huge thing.

Maybe you are just projecting onto her the bad feelings you have about how it was handled when you were a child? It doesn't have to be the same. FWIW, I was officially a 'gifted' child, and so are both my DCs; I don't see it as a particularly emotive subject, it's just a way of the school saying that they are aware of their abilities and are doing some extra stuff that they could benefit from.

But I do agree that since you had specifically asked the school not to tell her about it, a sealed envelope would have been a good idea.

why is it that some schools have an official label and others don't? maybe ask the school to do away with the label altogether if others don't use it?

I can understand you being upset that the school disreguarded your feelings however i don't get why people are afraid of children being aware of their giftedness,although this is gifted and tallented rather than actual giftedness.
My daughter is gifted and aware of it (we don't actually use the gifted word as such though) it has really helped her to understand her differences and helped her gain in confidence also.
Just my opinion.

Thanks for the responses - food for thought.

exexpat I think you're right, I probably am projecting. She probably does know in all but name, but I dislike the word "gifted" for some reason. I note that mrsshears doesn't use this word either.

I am perfectly comfortable talking to dd about the fact that she is very good at some things - it's obvious and she knows it. But there are others in her class who are good at things yet aren't on the gifted & talented register, and having read the letter, she wants to know why!

My dd is socially very well adapted, and not at all lacking in confidence. Although she is academically advanced and generally very mature, she has never had any problem making friends, and so I don't really feel the need to help her understand the differences. I have always just told her that different people are good at different things.

merci I like your suggestion very much. :) I see no reason why the school needs a label, and might ask if they could do away with it. As it stands, I think it's very unfair anyway - there are two or three other very bright kids in dd's class who do not appear to be on the register, and yet would benefit from the additional activities on offer.

honey i think the word gifted has a negative impact when people hear it imo, also it was easier for dd to understand that she was born with a brain that helps her to be very good at things if she tries very hard,rather than for us to tell her she is gifted.
Dd was well aware she was different from other dc and being told why has helped her alot, we were advised by her assesor that it would not be a bad thing for dd to be aware.
I can see if your dd has no issues you probably would not feel the need to tell her.

I happen to be one of those parents who HAS told DD about her giftedness (many reasons for telling her, didn't happen entirely through choice, and we're trying very much to handle it in a down-to-earth sensible way that promotes a healthy self-awareness rather than boastful big-headedness in DD!). I recognise it's entirely a personal choice, and rather a controversial topic :)

However, I think you have every right to be annoyed with the school - a simple envelope would have prevented an completely unnecessary problem. Particularly insensitive as you had made your views clear! I would perhaps mention it gently.

I can also understand your dislike of the word 'gifted' - but perhaps it's a good opportunity to explain to your DD what 'giftedness' means and doesn't mean. (I say to DD that being a gifted child doesn't mean you will automatically become a gifted adult, that you will have to work hard to develop your gift if you want to call yourself gifted. And I make sure there is no pressure for her to 'stay' gifted - if she chooses to be a SAHM, fine!)

Also, in our school the G&T scheme is called 'extension activities', which is a mercifully neutral term (well, compared with G&T). Perhaps if your school isn't ready to give up labelling children entirely, a change of terminology might help?

Honey, you are lucky that your daughter is getting properly recognised with G&T. My daughter didn't have anything really at her primary school. She was always miles ahead of her peers and at parents evenings etc i was always told (with dd sat next to me) that she is gifted or a genius or whatever they wanted to call her. We just laughed it off although i knew she was always "brainy" and my daughter always knew she was too. Not in a bigheaded way (she is very quiet). Never even heard of G&T and never heard of any children on it even though i had been helping at the school for a few years! Only when we had a parents evening in YEAR 6 was i told that my daughter had been on the register for x amount of years and was off the scale (means nothing to me??). Teachers (2 in year 6) had nothing to give me like a leaflet or anything which i was really expecting to see. No information given whatsoever. As in my daughters work, yes it was always good but she was always told to help the other less able children rather than being pushed further herself or "find something on the internet". That was the usual thing. Good luck with your daughter,Honey and best wishes for the future.

An envelope is not an unreasonable request. YANBU. And OP I too hate the term "Gifted" , makes my teeth itch.

I'd be annoyed too, but I'm picking my battles so prob. wouldn't say owt.

DS gifted and he knows he is ahead but school teaches in ability not age groups so it isn't remarked on negatively. V small school so everyone knows he is bright which is great as peers then give him leeway in his social skillz which are severely lacking! He is about to go on G&T away-day which is first in 3 years of being at school. As the programme had 'G&T' all over it and DS wanted to read it so he knew what they would be doing, I had to relax about him seeing the G&T 'label'... He knows he is bright!

But he doesn't know about the Aspergers label and that one I WOULD be very upset about him finding out from a letter, at 6 I know he isn't emotionally equipped to handle it yet.

The school should respect your wishes IMO.

Ps Mrsshears I like your explanation about the brain being good at stuff if tries hard, I may have to use that! My DS got v lazy last year as not stretched and therefore thought brightness meant he didn't have to work!

It only takes a staple, tbh.

It isn't really something that we make a big deal of here, so the letter would have been read, shrugged at, and then probably lost... I would say though, the more fuss you make about it, the more dd will assume it isa big deal, which it really isn't, so casual is probably the way ahead.

We don't really discuss it here, fwiw, but it did come up in conversation about something else entirely yesterday. Apparently only ds knew that the term 'gifted' applied to him, and he thought it was only in one area. And the girls were completely nonplussed, despite having quite considerable differentiation as a result of a label they apparently didn't know applied.

It's as big a deal as you make it, tbh. In y2 we had similar letters, some about nagc workshops and some about extension classes, but tbh the kids barely registered. One other parent asked me if we were going, and there was a short discussion in the playground about who/what the extension classes were for, but tbh no-one really made a song and dance. I can't remember if they were sealed or not!

aspergers is entirely different by the way, as that's medical in confidence. (remember dh being sent an entire photocopied stack of his med records, including random other people's med records which were obviously being photocopied at the same time. Oh, and also the e-mail I had last month from ds's teacher addressed to another parent about how they were intending to resolve the dc's difficulties with the maths curriculum. I'm v good friends with the mum.)