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Original poster

Do your bright children ever get picked on because they are praised in class?

31 replies

sittinginthesun · 09/02/2012 16:19

I only ask because I have just had a conversation with my mum about DS1 and I feel about 10 years old again!

DS1 (year 3) is a bright boy, works hard, enjoys school. He told me today that he was singled out by the teacher, who told the class that he'd done something exceptionally well. He's quietly pleased - enough to mention it, but he's run off to play now.

I mentioned it to my mum, who called just as he'd finished telling me. Her reaction was "better not happen too often, or he'll get picked on".

My school days came flooding back to me - too scared to put my hand up, deliberately getting questions wrong in tests etc to "fit it".

I told my mum that dcs' school is not like that, and that the bright children are popular and well liked by their peers. She just made a sort of "hhhmph" noise...

It has all changed, hasn't it!?! Just hoping that my school was particularly crap, and that my parents were particularly anxious about me being picked on.

OP posts:
mummytime · 09/02/2012 20:24

My kids schools don't have bright kids being picked on. But my school days were a bit like you describe, except I didn't hide being clever.

But your Mum's reaction probably says something about her guilt that you didn't go to a school where being bright was valued. She may even think you are becoming too middle class.

workshy · 09/02/2012 20:27

sorry but at my DDs school, being clever was the done thing until year for but year 5&6 they get sneered at for being clever -hopefully though by year 5 they are big enough and ugly enough to ignore the jealousy

Iamnotminterested · 09/02/2012 21:26

Well from what my children have told me about day to day classes, certainly not; these days its cool to be clever.

emmash2010 · 09/02/2012 21:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

Original poster
sittinginthesun · 10/02/2012 07:10

Thanks, all. My mum has really mixed views on this. My late dad was a primary teacher, so valued education, but wanted me to go to the local comp which was, quite frankly, rubbish. It made Grange Hill look good. I good decent enough grades, ended up with a good degree and profession, but have absolutely no confidence.

I am quite determined that my dcs don't fall into this trap, and so far, so good. Their state school is lovely, caring and happy to stretch them. There is an element of trouble makers in each class, but they are not generally well liked by their classmates, at the moment.

Think I will trust my instincts, and ignore my mum.

OP posts:
nooka · 10/02/2012 07:17

I don't think this is a major problem at primary school, but it can become so at secondary, depending of course on the school's ethos and the particular bunch of kids.

iseenodust · 10/02/2012 17:20

Certainly changed from my day. Just back from a celebration assembley at DS's state primary. There were kids going up for certificates for most improved handwriting, best behaviour in the dinner hall, showing kindness...you get the gist. All manner of things were noted for praise so academic achievement is only a part. Hopefully that culture increases self-worth in all.

outofbodyexperience · 10/02/2012 17:42

primary was great - all of the kids' achievements were celebrated, academic or no.

secondary is shaping out slightly differently - dd1 has had a few pointed comments but no actual physical stuff. enough for the teacher to warn me at parent's evening that there might be some girls who dd1 might want to try and avoid - she thinks dd is together enough not to be influenced by it, but felt it necessary to warn me.

i ran a group for teens last year. one of the girls (14) discussed with me at length that she deliberately messed about in class and didn't try at all in maths because she knew she was too good at it, and it was not cool to be smart. straight a student who had quite delieberately chosen to dumb down to fit in.

at this age with girls it's probably tied up with boys and hormones and stuff, but i just want my kids to be sure enough of themselves and their own strength of mind to be able to withstand this peer group stuff.

Colleger · 11/02/2012 20:09

Unfortunately the answer to this is yes, and my son is currently in the scholarship form and getting abuse from his peers in the same form. :(

housepiglet · 11/02/2012 23:34

Colleger -- I find that truly shocking Confused Are the teachers aware? If so, do they not intervene?

Colleger · 12/02/2012 22:28

Well it's just happened this term so I did inform them. They actually brought it to my attention that DS was not putting any effort in, especially in his strongest subject and when I discussed it with DS, it all came out. :(

housepiglet · 13/02/2012 11:28

Well it sounds as though there's something seriously wrong at the school when boys in the scholarship form are abusing their peers for being bright! I hope the school attempts to sort it out, and that your DS doesn't let it get him down Confused

Colleger · 13/02/2012 12:14

It's a very nice, kind school. I suspect the boys are feeling an immense amount of pressure put on by their parents and themselves, not the school. I'm sure it will get resolved. I only mentioned it to make the point that it happens everywhere. I know a girl at grammar school who is bullied for being clever!

iggly2 · 13/02/2012 13:16

I think if a child is bullied for intelligence it may well be those who are intelligent doing so. The other children will value intelligence and therefore be jealous.

iggly2 · 13/02/2012 13:17

Bullying exists everywhere for lots of reasons it is how it is dealt with that counts.

Sandalwood · 13/02/2012 15:41

My DD gets snidey little comments somethimes.
Just little stuff like she might get praise from the teacher for something and the rest of her table will mutter "as usual"
She's in yr 2 and has been mentioning these little things since year 1.

Sticklebug · 13/02/2012 15:56

My DD is in year5 and deliberately does not answer the teachers questions all the time as she gets teased for being an 'know-it-all'. She also deliberately waits at the end of a test until someone else says that they have finished before putting her hand up to say she is finished - even though she usually finishes first.

I have talked to the teacher about it as it has dented her confidence this year - but I don't think it will help. Her teacher is very gushing about her - how clever she is, how musical she is, what a kind girl she is.....we were really embarrassed at parents evening and my husband felt compelled to point out DD's bad points!!

Original poster
sittinginthesun · 13/02/2012 16:32

Sticklebug - that is my worry, as that was ME at school. I ended up too scared to ever put my hand up. I got good grades, because it was easy to hide behind an exam paper, and when to a good university. When I got there, I was amazed - some students were just so confident with their intelligence. I had never seen that before.

DS is fine so far.

OP posts:
Original poster
sittinginthesun · 13/02/2012 16:33

Oops, meant to say, I am probably just projecting my own worries and memories in him.

OP posts:
whoknowsme · 13/02/2012 17:13

Yes and year 3 is the year it started.

Ds1 is IMHO very bright (I'm a bit Hmm at "G&T" label applied to him by the school).

iggly2 is spot on, it's the bright kids who pick on him/exclude him and make fun of him for the teacher praising for his in class achievements.

The not so bright kids like him, he is according to his teachers, kind and considerate. He likes them too. He wants to be in with the cool crowd but I can't see it happening. Their parents don't give a damn either but then he is clearly a threat as far as limited (think one boy only from most local schools) place(s) available at the very good boys secondary school. It's been suggested on the parent grapevine that we should go private for secondary school if he has such problems "fitting in".

cory · 15/02/2012 21:49

I would never base any idea of what is likely to happen in a school on the say-so of any adult above the age of 25 who is not a teacher or a TA. Or in fact on the say-so of any adult who is not a teacher or TA at that particular school.

My ds was told by his paediatrician that he must never let on that he has a disability because he would be bullied to bits in secondary. This being the secondary my dd has attended for 3 years, in a wheelchair or on crutches half the time, and the pupils just couldn't be more supportive.

ragged · 16/02/2012 19:11

I can't deal with the word "bright".
DD10 is high ability. She has done things like win school wide contests (large school) for story writing & art work, very respectable achievements in sport+maths, too.
She doesn't get picked on for it, but she does get some weird comments. Assumptions that she must be tutored or coached at home (ha! as if I could be that energetic!). And pressure, she's expected to do well so feels extra nervous about possible failure & having to tell others she didn't perform as expected.

I think it helps (DD) that she is fierce, she literally thumps boys people who start anything. Nobody would dare give her grief for being brainy/fast or anything, maybe. And she has a pack of fierce friends who back her up, one of whom is also a high achiever and quick to kick anybody who might dare to tease, too. I think Dd is very lucky in her circle of loyal friends.

Colleger · 17/02/2012 09:09

Everyone thinks my son is coached and that I'm incredibly pushy. I too am far too lazy and far to thick to be pushy. I send my kids to great schools so the schools can push but you can lead a horse to water...

I dislike the bright word too because I think all children are bright. Not all children are high ability and that's ok but to say a child is bright, implies another child is not bright.

Jesusgirl · 17/02/2012 17:09

Ds is quite able as well and at the moment finds work in class, especially maths, very easy and so finishes really quickly. He told me once a few boys in the play ground teased him for 'always being the 1st to finish'.

He was a bit upset but it didn't seem to affect him that much, I don't think it's happened again, - he hasn't mentioned it to me anyway. And he seems to still be friends with these boys.

CarnivorousPanda · 18/02/2012 15:43

When my then11 year old DS put his hand up and got a maths question right, he was shouted at by others and called a boff and a nerd. This continued and in the end, he stopped putting his hand up, disengaged and became unhappy.

Luckily we were able to move him elsewhere.