Go to school or stay nursery? Need help!

[rrbrigi]

Hi,

I really need help. Should I send my son to school or should I hold him in the nursery for 1 more year?
We are from Hungary and we live in England. I have a son who I think very bright, I would say he is gifted, but we have not tested him and I really do not mind if he is gifted or not. I would not like to go to details, but he is really very clever in languages, maths, reading, writing, computer etc...

He is 3 and a half now he will be 4 in July. He could start the school in Sept 2012; however his nursery teacher is worried about his confidence. The teacher thinks that he is not confident enough to speak in front of the class, or if the class teacher asks something he won't answer in front of everybody. He prefer to play with adults instead of children, however if the children have some logical problem through playing he likes to tell them the answer. He likes observing things and how children play, but he does not like to join to the play. He likes to tell people what to do, but he does not like to follow other children. That is very interesting, because other children like him a lot. He does not like to be dirty, e.g. he does not like to play with sand.
I do not know if I should hold him back 1 more year in the nursery or let him go to the school. I think there is no any problem with his confidence; I think that is the typical sign for a gifted child that he does not like to play with his peers and he prefers adult company. Otherwise he is a very happy and balanced child.
The other thing that I am worried is that the teacher in the school won't realize how clever he is, because English is his second language. We speak only Hungarian at home. His Hungarian is very good. He uses words and contexts like an adult, explain things for us in details. But I think his English is only OK, like his peers English. And I am afraid he might have problem with this in the school, because he needs time to answer in English and if he cannot find the words, he probably won't answer to the question.
One more things that the nursery teacher mentioned to me that my son does not want to change his clothes alone, not because he is not capable, only because he does not want to do it. So usually the teacher helps him to change his shoes or take down the jacket. I know that he is capable to change his shoes or deal with his jacket (because he does at home, not always, but sometimes), but he has a very strong mind and if he does not want to do something he probably won?t. And on the other hand I think it is very clever that he can achive that his teachers do something for him that they do not want. Of course I know he should do these things no matter if he would like or not. So the teacher is just worried what will happen in the school when they need to change their clothes. Honestly I do not know the answer as well.

I really do not know what to do. Does it give more confidence for him if I leave him in the nursery one more year? Or things won't change; because it is nothing to do with his confidence, it is his characteristic signs that he does not like to play with children? I am not worried about his education, we can manage continue the work at home with him, but what will happen in a year time? He will start the school at the age of 5; he already knows everything that they should know in reception year and year 1. But if I put him into Reception class in a year later, I think we will have behavioral issues with him, because he will be bored in the school. Probably we will have the issue if he starts the school in this September anyway. If I ask him about it, he says to me that he would like to move to school, but only because he would like to learn math, reading, writing and science. But I know he likes to go to nursery as well. I would not like him to have a very bad experience in the beginning and he looses his interest about learning, just because of the teacher or children won?t understand him. Would it be a good idea to speak with his new school? But then they will think I am just another troubled mother.
Sorry about my English, probably you can see why we speak only Hungarian with our son, because we would not like him to pick up bad English.
Your opinion is very much appreciated.
Kind Regards,
RRBrigi

I wouldn't leave him in nursery an extra year. It would be better for him to be in the correct year for his age. I think you should encourage him to do things for himself and increase his independence in terms of dressing, shoes etc. I think you should be speaking English with him at home too, as otherwise he will be at a disadvantage at school.

His nursery teacher also said that I can leave him in the nursery for one or two term from September, so he can start the school in January 2013 or April 2013. Do you think would it be better than put him to the school in September 2012? I really worried to speak English with him at home, because my and my husband English is not perfect (however his English is better than mine) and also because our son does not like when we speak English. He says to us that we speak "funny" English. I think our pronaunciation is not as good as the teacher's pronaunciation in the nursery.

Put him in school. School age children will model better English for him than nursery age children. If he finds the work easy, he will be able to develop the areas he has problems with - like the social aspect etc.

Ah so he would still be in the correct year for his age. It probably won't make much difference then when he goes up to school. You have a lot of time between then and now to encourage the independence skills that he will need to be at school, and to encourage him to do things that he has to be part of a group at school. From what you are saying academically he will be ready for school but you need to help him to be ready socially. Please don't let a three year dictate which language you speak! Your English seems very competent from your post.

Don't speak English with him!!! He's bilingual - you don't want him to lose hs Hungarian. His English is obviolusly good enough and will improve anyway (all children's language improves with age!).

Send him in September, but do get him used to following instructions and doing things like eating and getting dressed independently.

A lot of what they do in reception is similar to nursery anyway so it should be a nice gentle introduction to school for him.

You might want to chat to the reception teacher before he starts, just to let her know English is not spoken at home, and that he's quite shy. But he shoudln't be the first non-native English speaking or shy child she's taught.

Dont speak English with him at home! Please please dont. I think this is bad advice. Learning a second language and growing up bilingual is a unique chance, will increase his ability in all sorts of ways, and is widely proven to be highly beneficial.. It may well put him at a slight disadvantage in the short term, but the long term benefits are huge. Also language is culture, and you do not want to cut him off from his Hungarian culture. As English is the dominant language he is sure to get up to speed fast, especially when he gets older and makes more friends of his own. However, you do need to be aware that you will be confronted with a certain pressure to conform, from other parents, maybe even from teachers, who would like you to become unilingual. Dont give in! Have a look at The Bilingual Family: A Handbook for Parents von Edith Esch-Harding I think it is excellent. (I am bringing up my children as English / German speakers in Germany)

I was in the same position a year before.We were in Aberdeen then.I know he is bright but was not sure about gifted.He will not talk in front of others.He will not play with his mates.He was always looking for his teachers instruction.When he went to nursery in Aberdeen,I contacted educational psychologist to know his IQ level personally.But in Aberdeen they do contact school and take from there.His nursery teacher told that he is not confident by himself,looks for approval and so on....They adviced me to hold him in nursery to encourage all those social aspect.

Then we moved to England in last May(2011).I didnot want to waste his time and the energy.I did put him in school.Yes to start with he did not play with others,was not choosing things by himself,was not talking to others will not talk to his teacher.They same thing I was told in his first PT meeting in October.Now 5 months on he is doing good in social and way ahead in knowledge.I hope to get a different report in PT at the end of this month.

I would really advice you to go ahead with school.

Thank you very much for your answers.

Vidhya: it is very nice to know that you were in the same situation and your son managed OK.

Does it cause a problem for my son, if he does not want to change his clothes or shoes alone? Or the teachers are still willing to help him in Reception Year? His immunisation system is very weak and I do not want him to go out without jacket or hat, etc... Will they help him to get dressed or let him go out without proper clothes?

Also I would like to know how the teachers deal with the situation, if someone is bored in the school and that is why he or she behave badly.

Thanks.

Please, could you tell me if somebody has an experiance with a gifted child who also speaks English as a second language? I would like to know what happened in the school (are they identified his or her ability?). And what happened in the more formal tests? I read that if a gifted child speak English as a second language it is very hard to do a "gifted test", because the second language is not as good as the first one.

Well before he started reception school had parents evening for all reception kids.we were told what is expected from kids,what should we teach them like putting jacket,eat lunch all by yourself(which my son didnot,I have to feed him).After the meeting I started talking to him about doing jacket and eating, the personal stuff.Well I think he understood that he had no choice but to do it himself in school.

To start teachers helped him and he even had a note saying practice at home wearing jacket,now he has got it.My son gets cold and tonsils during winter,he is wearing hat and jacket when he is out to play.

Don't worry your son will pick up,just talk to him possibly daily.Teachers do help and encourage them to do.He will be fine.