How do I handle this?

[RueDeWakening]

Am pissed off with DD's school and want to know if IABU - she's in reception, well settled, enjoying things hugely. She's G&T across the board, according to her teacher (though I'm yet to see evidence of this :o ).

We were having a chat at bedtime last night, and she was chatting away about school, then said that "when the children in my class who aren't as clever as me are on the carpet, me, X and Y and sometimes A, B and C go and do trickier things instead" .

I'm not impressed that she's associating "being clever" with "tricky work" and getting time away from the carpet - it's def not something we've mentioned anywhere around her. And clever isn't a word we use at home, either - we try and focus on effort rather than cleverness IYSWIM. Second, I don't like that she's seeing others in her class as "not as clever as me".

How can I handle this? I want to nip it in the bud, I don't want her to create a distance between her and her friends - particularly because the other kids she named in the group that does "trickier work" are all boys.

(Need to log off in a mo but will be back this evening.)

Sounds like you're doing the right things at home, but apart from maybe a little gentle reinforcement of all the stuff about how different people are good at different things, and how it's not nice to call someone 'not clever', you aren't going to be able to stop her noticing that she (and some of the other children) find some aspects of schoolwork easier than some of the others, and are therefore given more challenging work to do sometimes.

My DCs noticed fairly early on that they found maths, reading etc much easier than many of their friends, but also noticed that some of their friends could run much faster, draw better pictures etc. Life is like that.

No matter how teachers label the different ability groupings in class (yellow, blue, green; dolphins, starfish, octopuses or whatever) it seems to take the children about one day to work out which is the top/middle/bottom group for each subject. They are not stupid, you know! The 'being clever' comment may have come from one of the other children in her group, rather than from the teaching staff.

As for creating a distance between her and her friends, I really don't think this should be a problem if the higher-ability group is only working completely separately for a short time each day (and possibly not even every day?). Friends don't have to spend every moment of every day together, and friendships at that age are usually built on what they like playing outside the classroom, rather than anything that goes on inside it, IME.

But I will read with interest what any teachers have to say about the issue.

had simialr with my own dd, the teacher in YR created "white group" just conatianing my own dd, obviously to differentiate her work, some time later another boy moved "up" to white group. It is a difficult thing to avoid the fact the child themselves are able to recognise they are doing trickier work, after all they will be very aware even if played down in school.

I approached this by letting dd know I was very proud of her. She did become very arrogant and as she has moved up into a mixed y1/2 class I would often say well you maybe the cleverest now but you may well just come out average in y1, low and behold she is differentiated now too and she only too well knows it as in y1/2 class she very much has excelled the y2 children.

I did talk with her yr teacher about arrogance and the teacher did not seem to recognise it dd seemed to be her little prodagy, however Y1 teacher does recognise it but very difficult to stratogise against managing it, I think being aware seems all that can happen. However DD will be told off for shouting out answers etc and I think the going off to do trickier work does give the other children a chance to have input in the class as my dd would very much answer everything. Im not sure what to suggest but to talk to teacher about it and dont be afraid to embrace your dds intelegence and show you are proud.

as for the distance created there is a distance between dd and some of her class mates, however I do feel for dd and worry about friendships, both teachers have reassured me dd is happy and she is feircly indipendant and is not a child who relies upon friends for confidance etc, and in thier experience this often sets a child up better in the future when it comes to preasure and fallings out between friendship groups. They have reasurred me dd is as happy playing alone, with a group or with one or two friends so they reasure me she is fulfilled in her friendships. but at times im not too sure.

Firstly, it's great the school are differentiating her work.

Secondly, the other posters are right - the kids very quickly recognise 'top groups', 'clever children' and 'trickier work'.

My DD, is v aware of being clever, but is also very aware that she's not so good at sports. We try to big up her effort at sports as much as her academic achievements. She's well aware she's not great at everything, and I think that helps to keep her in her place IYSWIM.

I don't disagree with anything that's been said so far, but if we'd heard that from DD, I think I might just have a quiet word with the teacher. Yes, you can tackle it at home, but - as has been said above - it might have come from another child. In which case, a few group chats about what different people are good at in the class might be useful.

We tell DD both that different people learn things at different times (she spent time before school with a girl with Downs which meant this came up) and also that everyone is good at something, and in her case it's reading, and other children are good at all sorts of other things, including being kind and fast and art.

I don't really see what the problem is. As KatCan said, young children are mighty clever at working out who is in which group - however the teacher tries to disguise it. I suppose you just have to reinforce the "Everyone has different skills" route, but as for the trickier work, just be proud. DD2 was put into an extra group with one other child in year 1, it was there for all to see on the wall of her classroom. AFAIK she has never had any comeback because of it. Children are fickle creatures.

Iamnotminterested, I think there can be problems asociated and OP has recognised a possible problematic trait, im not sure the is helpfull just because in your experience it was not an issue does not make it a non issue for OP and others. what OP describes is certainly sometimes problematic for my own dd however it is difficult to creat stratogies to prevent this, I think what OP is looking for is ways of managing any possible ways of keeping her dd grounded and respectfull of others.

Thanks everyone - some interesting ideas.

Yes, I want to make sure that she doesn't turn into more of a big-head. I like the idea about pointing out people learn things at different times, her younger cousin has been able to ride his bike without stabilizers for ages, which she's desperate to do, so that should hit home :o

She appears to be in about a million different groups at school, for a variety of things, and I'm not at all sure what they're for. It's parents evening next week, so I'll take the chance to have a word with her teacher about it.

I'm concerned about the distance from friends thing as she's already the only one from her preschool in her class, all other children had established friendships already and most came from the school nursery. She flits from friend to friend but really wants a "best friend" and doesn't (yet) have one so I don't want anything to get in the way of these new friendships if it can be avoided.

I tell ds that everyone is good at something. The children she thinks are stupid will be brilliant at PE, art or drama. This worked really well with him.

Agree with everyone who says kids work out class groupings easily.

'Tricky' was a buzz word used by DS's YrR teacher - they had tricky spellings etc.

On other threads about playing/mixing you will see plenty of comments about kids not having one or two best friends in YrR - it seems to come a bit later for most.

Update: it was parent's evening today so I had a chance to speak to her teacher without DD hanging on my arm.

Teacher said the children are just asked to go out of the room to the small group area at the appropriate time and she has never mentioned "being clever" or anything of the sort, this is something DD has worked out for herself. She also laughed and said that it wasn't a very diplomatic way of putting it, but was basically true :o

DD's targets for the rest of this term are to write 3 linked sentences with capital letters and full stops, to work on number squares of 1-100, and to make closer friends as she currently flits from group to group as I said upthread (v task focused and will stay where she is when the group moves on to something else) - teacher said that B & C have partly been put into the small group because they are girls and it will do DD good to have girls on a similar wavelength to work & play with.

I got a chance to bring her learning journey home with me for DH to look through too, and it's lovely - she's clearly loving school and there's tons in there that she'd not thought to bother mentioning to us, her parents :o