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Help son nearly 12 excelling yet failing

17 replies

bkgirl · 14/01/2012 00:43

Hello, I am very worried about my ds, he is 11 years old.He started a new school in September and has not made friends and became terribly unhappy.
I knew his writing speed was slow but it has been affecting everything from missing notes in class to failing to write down homework. He was always an A student now he is scraping a c/d trouble is in the exams he did not finish any paper....it cost him points. Teachers said he is completely on his own nearly all the time. They have recommended he see a peripatetic teacher with special regard to social integration.
I suspect they will surmise he has an autistic spectrum disorder for this reason.

However, his english teacher has told me whilst his writing is so slow his spoken english/grammar/vocabularly and interpretation of texts is definitely A level standard.
The maths teacher told me that she gave the class a difficult exercise as asked they show the method just a few got it right. She looked at my DS's work and he had all the answers with no method. She suspected he may be cheating (fair enough) so sat down and got him to do more in front of her - he just kept writing the answers very quickly. She then asked why he didn't write the method he explained the answers just popped in to his head.She explained to us his brain is wired differently and its not a bad thing but that his mental arithmetic is excellent. The science teacher said his results are in the 80's (class average 71)

He will research any passing topic.......
Although we come from a catholic background (rather lapse) he is attending a good school with a strong protestant tradition. (We live in Northern Ireland so believe me it's relevant). I explained to him briefly how the protestant culture here embraces pipe bands etc and like any group he should respect peoples beliefs. Days later whilst on a history trip, he approached the history teacher and asked "was Martin Luther the first protestant" - he had only gone off and researched it! He has a wide variety of interests, he loves reading about the history of the monarchy, argues about Creationism Vs Evolution, adores/reads wildlife and particularly insects (he saves poorly flies during the summer) and does not like to see other children bullied. Although I recently asked him if he saw a child who was a different colour or religion or indeed a gay child being bullied how would he feel. He said he would feel bad but he would be "scared to intervene since I would want to avoid a conflict situation". He is so well informed about so many subjects, he could tell you the name of Hitlers dog! In short his interests are broad and varied not narrow or obsessive.

On his second day at the school a 13 year old kicked him on the chest.We could not identify the perpetrator.
The only other thing that happened was that our dog died days before he started school and it completely shattered him, even on Christmas day he said he would give everything back to have her alive again.

So please, what do you think is going on here. I am beyond worried and I know I feel too defensive. The teachers have told me he is intelligent but I feel he is going to be classified wrongly. Any advice would be really appreciated. They will prepare an IEP....is there anything I should do?

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bkgirl · 14/01/2012 00:52

Sorry I forgot to say that the english teacher was astounded by a poem he had written totally on his own, and again said she didn't think her a level students could have achieved the same (apparently she has been showing it around other teachers)

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bkgirl · 14/01/2012 01:35

I should also say the teachers said he seems slow to process instructions. I think I know why, it's like if you tell him to draw a picture of a house, he would be thinking what sort of a house, how many rooms, what colour, has it a garden etc.....also he does not mix his letters up and can read fast so I guess that means he is not dyslexic?

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scummymummy · 14/01/2012 01:49

He sounds like a lovely boy. Have you encouraged him to invite some other children over? Does he have a computer? I would think about getting him touch typing to see if it's easier for his hands to keep up with his brain for written stuff.

adoptmama · 14/01/2012 06:59

Obviously you are worried about ASD because of his social integration but is it worse than it was at primary schoo? Was he able to make friends there? If so did any of his Primary friends transfer to the same secondary school with him and could you approach any of their mums to kick start a social life for him. Children are often at a loss to know how to make friends, especially if they have grown up with a group around them from the early days of school and then they lose this group - they don't remember how to actively make friends. Invite kids over and join clubs and see if he can find like minded peers. Keep vigilant about bullying - children will often shut down about it especially to their parents if 'nothing was done' the first time (i.e. you were unable to catch and punish the offender who kicked him). Before thinking your child has a social problem or is self isolating ask the school if they think bullying is going on (in other words, don't assume, or let the school assume, the social problems come from 'within' your child).

Regarding his poor note taking/slow writing I would investigate whether there is a learning difficulty which has not yet been diagnosed. Contrary to popular belief, not all dyslexics are poor readers. Dysgraphia is a writing problem which can have undiagnosed dyslexia at its core. Other problems could also be at work - dyspraxia affecting motor control, eye tracking issues affecting how he sees written work, making it hard to copy/find his place. If you (and his teachers) think he is simply slow rather than having a learning disability then ask about his concentration and focus - a child can be attention deficit without being hyperactive. Is he daydreaming in class? Does he have an explanation for why he is working so slowly (and has anyone asked him)?

Does he just miss his dog (as we all miss our furry family members when they go) or is he still truly grieving for his loss? In his mind does he associate starting school - a bad experience due to the bullying etc. - with his dog dying. Children can wish the return of a dead pet or relative and yet have accepted the loss and be in a healthy phase of adjustment. Do you feel this is the case or does his expression of the loss go deeper than that - perhaps he is not moving on in a healthy way. If you think his grief has affected him profoundly and he is not able to move forward consider having him work with a psychologist e.g. using art therapy.

Finally remember that it simply takes some children longer than others to adjust to the big changes in their school day. Maybe he is a bit overwhelmed by having so many teachers now, or changing class. Perhaps he finds the building a bit overwhelming to make his way around. Is he able to identify any factors which are making him unhappy or causing him problems?

adoptmama · 14/01/2012 07:06

Re being slow to process information: if this is a verbal issue (ie. he is slow to process verbal instructions rather than written, has problems following conversations in loud rooms, or can do numeric maths problems find but find word problems hard) then you may want to investigate the issue of central Audio Processing Disorder.

If he has problems following multi-step instructions (ie. do this, then this then this) then he may have working memory problems. A thorough assessment with an educational psychologist could help you pinpoint if your son has particular problems and what they are, and give your strategies to help him improve.

rabbitstew · 14/01/2012 12:02

It might be worth seeing an educational psychologist and having an IQ test to get an idea of his areas of strength and relative difficulties and advice on methods of dealing with life in the classroom (and on whether, eg, seeing an occupational therapist or other professional might also bring some further advice).

Of course, the same issue can be viewed in various ways. For example, problems with getting homework copied off the board in time and with getting straight down to doing what you've been asked could be seen as issues of attention (of which there are various types, including, eg, not focusing on the main point in question, but getting too easily distracted by the details or by peripheral issues (or what "normal" people may view as irrelevant or unimportant but which the person in question may one day be able to prove to have been relevant after all, because their brain wouldn't let them discount it...)), slow processing speeds, difficulties with working memory, issues with auditory processing, issues with visual perception, issues with motor skills, problems with eye tracking, etc, etc. And sometimes it could be a mixture of all those things, but different experts will, of course, put a different slant on things and which is the most important... And then there's the viewpoint that the problem in reality is with the narrow bands of tolerance for different ways of working and thinking that are acceptable within the education system, but since all children have to go through the system as it is at the moment, that doesn't really help their plight a huge amount.

Are your ds's problems a complete surprise to you, or were there indications at primary school of possible issues for the future? eg did they comment on his slow handwriting, or a dreamy, disorganised nature, etc, etc??? It would seem odd that secondary school would create previously non-existent issues, rather than exacerbating them. Bullying and general unhappiness at school could, obviously, make any difficulties far more marked, of course, and secondary school generally, with the bigger space to move around, different teachers and lots of new children to get to know, always makes problems more marked, particularly at first - sometimes creating problems that later die down to the level of being minor issues that the person is aware of and can compensate for without much in the way of extra assistance, but other times making the person aware that they do operate differently from their peers and always will and maybe need some help dealing with that.

Would learning to touch type and being allowed to type a lot of his work help your ds, do you think? It might help take some of his attention away from the physical process of forming the words, if his writing is physically laboured, and free up more of his brain to think about the content more quickly.

My db was in some ways like this - often in trouble at school for not copying his homework off the board quickly enough; not always seeming to listen to what he was supposed to be doing; messy presentation of written work; not just getting on with things; apparently not being very good at standing up to so-called "friends'" bullying behaviour... His teachers found him immensely frustrating, because he was clearly very bright and an original thinker, was capable of producing fantastic work (eventually), was verbally extremely articulate, so he was generally just accused of laziness. He was popular with the girls, though! He did eventually develop coping mechanisms - he is constantly writing himself lists of reminders of what he is supposed to be doing, for example and updates them throughout the day. And once he left school, he found himself a niche where the focus is on the end result, not on constant proof that you are getting on with things in a particular way, which far better suits his tendency to spend 7/8 of the time prior to a deadline thinking things through and looking things up without showing any of his internal thought processes and the remaining time staying up all night, working furiously on his ideas, drafting and redrafting, experimenting, making things and eventually coming up with something quite unique. He got a 1st in his degree,so at that level his way of thinking and working wasn't an insurmountable obstacle to achievement. That way of working just isn't tolerable in a school, though (or in a lot of professions - you need to find your niche)!!!!! He is happily married with a family of his own, now, btw.

It is good that your ds's school is not just writing your ds off as lazy and is wanting to understand and help him.

bkgirl · 14/01/2012 13:21

Thanks SO much for all your responses, seriously I really appreciate it. You have given me so much to think about, in fact I really do think I could well be APD myself! His primary school was dreadful, tbh they didn't highlight anything - I bitterly regret not moving him. I have since moved his sister and the difference is extreme. Her school is totally outstanding.As for the dog, yes- it's true grief.I was so worried about him and got a puppy to replace her, it's worked a little but I really think the death broke his heart. He has no friends, she was everything to him.People knew and liked him at his primary, he had friends there but they did not go to his secondary (well 2 did but in different classes).Anyway, I am going to work through every single comment above.
scummymummy,adoptmama and rabbitstew I cannot thank you enough. ((((Big Hug))))

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Habanera · 16/01/2012 14:22

HI

My DD is in a similar situation-she is still very disillusioned with secondary, but as her parent I can see things should improve in the long run compared to absolute rubbish primary.The best thing at the moment for my DD have been her friends and interests outside of school.

I kick myself daily for not making better choices about her education, but really we have done the best we could at the time.

So don't beat yourself up, and focus on the positive aspects that the teachers are on the case and so are you. He sounds a great kid and would probably be a great pal with my DD if we didn't live far away.

The helpline of the NAGC www.nagcbritain.org.uk/parents.php?id=215
is worth considering, I got a lot of useful suggestions out of them a couple of years ago.

I hope you will come back and tell how it is going....

Nora5000 · 16/01/2012 14:24

Are there any school club he could join? It might help him meet some like-minded friends.

Nora X

bkgirl · 17/01/2012 11:34

Thanks again, yes the staff at the new school are very kind and are pulling him at break time in to clubs (he really does need a push since walking through the door terrifies him).He is a little happier and this morning he is back on the school bus (I had been driving him last week) so even that is an improvement.

An "outreach teacher" is meeting me on Thursday for a talk....eek, I am a bit worried, I know there is a subtext of checking the parents out to see if they are ok! Apparently it will be to work on his social behaviour.....he is well mannered, just doesn't like people looking at him. (He really as a shy gene like his mum.)

Thanks again

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Hullygully · 17/01/2012 11:36

My ds is VERY similar. The best thing you can do is what you are doing, work with the school to make it work for him.

Good luck!

adoptmama · 17/01/2012 13:05

Not liking people looking at him, not wanting to make that initial step through the door to join clubs etc. may have a lot more to do with self confidence than shyness. Do you feel he has a healthy level of self confidence? If not perhaps the school can also help in this area.

bkgirl · 17/01/2012 13:12

Yes, I think you are right indeed adoptmama and I will raise this at the meeting.Thank you:)

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bkgirl · 17/01/2012 14:58

I must be the very worst mother in the world. A teacher just called and explained that my son has been in trouble for carrying a blade at school. Worst thing was I gave it to him!!!! He was concerned that he was doing his art homework wrong so yesterday spoke to his art teacher and she said "come to art club at lunch time tomorrow and I will help you". This he did, taking the art knife he had told me I had to purchase to cut out the shapes. In science class, other children said he was carrying a blade and the teacher took it off him. He was upset and humiliated, he was even worried it was count as losing stationery.
The teacher who has been a great assistance found him upset on the school steps and he wouldn't eat.
Now I know the art knife counts as a blade and against school policy. I am so bloody stupid. He said he had made friends but now he probably didn't have any again.

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adoptmama · 17/01/2012 16:39

Trust me you are not the worst mother in the world because this happened and the school will not view you (or your son) badly for this. You made an innocent mistake because you know your son is not about to go to school and stab someone with his craft knife! :) Coach him in how to respond to any comments from peers: comments could be making fun of him for what happened and for getting into 'trouble'/getting 'caught'. Try different scenarios with him of what children might say - eg to the ones who might think him scary or a 'bad boy' or who will be nasty and call him names over it. Give him some calm responses and help him practise them; in this way he can react with confidence and not become overwhelmed by emotion/stress. If you are very concerned that you may have a situation where rumours fly around about a 'boy bringing a knife to school and being disarmed in class' ask the teacher if she thinks it would be useful to explain to children (and parents who may hear exaggerations from DCs) openly exactly what happened - that it was an innocent mistake in bringing the art knife into school to use in art club, not anything sinister. I would not think he would lose friends over this, certainly not in the long term. However he may be on the receiving end of nasty comments or children who are scared by what happened (not understanding the circumstances) and who avoid him for a while. Like most things it will blow over with peers - in a couple of days they will be more interested in who just stole so-and-so's boyfriend/girl friend with any luck.

bkgirl · 18/01/2012 01:09

Wise words with a calming effect, tonight we practised some calm responses as you suggested. It seems to have given him the confidence to face tomorrow so much appreciated. It's gotta get better from here on, as long as I don't sabotage him any further.

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somanymiles · 05/02/2012 03:28

Your son sounds just like mine. I became so worried about his depression that we got him an educational assessment from a psychologist. Sure enough his core processing was only 9th percentile but his reasoning was 99th. It results in what you described - very slow at writing, brilliant at Maths. Also has trouble writing the steps in Maths - he just "knows" the answer. Get him assessed, then you will have ammunition when arguing for him to have extra time. My DS has now skipped a year in Maths (basically teaching himself) and is much much happier. Having a supportive teacher this year helps a great deal. Good luck!

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