Attitude!

[PieCherry]

My 13 YO has been in the G&T group since primary school (now Yr8). This year he is in G&T for Maths, English, Science, Art and DT. The programme this year consists of extra curricular classes (15 between now and May).

My son is also exceptionally sporty. Captain of the football team, Captain of his rugby team, very tall (6ft) and exceptionally fit.

I am very proud of him.

BUT his attitude stinks. It's not that he's cocky or arrogant (anything but), and I think his attitude comes from a desire to "fit in" be part of the gang. He's exceptionally considerate (all the girls love him) he behaves like a big brother to them all. His friendships are very important to him.

So when he brought the letter home confirming G&T and the curriculum for the year, he first of all refused to go. His logic - what's the point of being clever if it means you have to do extra lessons? It's like detention and I'm being punished!

In the end I bribed him (and hated myself for it), my attitude is he should be exceptionally grateful for the opportunity (that's from my very poor lower working class upbringing). £1.50 extra pocket money for every extra lesson he does.

Anyone else having these kind of attitude problems with their kids? How did you handle it/would handle it?

I'm with him actually, why should he give up time from sports and a social llife to have extra academic lessons? He's doing well and sounds like a nice lad, to me. I think you need to chat with him about where he sees himself going and what the pros and cons are of extra time spent on academics, when he's doing very well anyway.

What will he get out of the extra lessons?

what's the point of being clever if it means you have to do extra lessons?

I think he's got a point, tbh!!

I'm thinking there are 4 main aspects of what it means to be a high achiever (ultimately, in life), each equally important:

1. Social support (like from parents, sounds like your DS can check off)
2. Luck/opportunity/Lack of relevant major problem, life stresses (check)
3. Raw talent (your DS evidently has loads)
4. Drive to succeed....., er this is where a LOT of us fall down. This is the number one reason why most people don't achieve their "potential", I bet.

Either you bribe him into it until he finds his own drive, which I can perfectly understand, and I may indeed resort to in some specific situations, or...

1. & 2) I would move heaven & Earth to help create, but on 4): personally I want DC to have the drive to succeed from inside. If they don't have that, so be it, I am not going to try to artificially create that drive. I don't anticipate that I will try to bribe them into much (watch this space in case I turn out to be lying thru my teeth ). I have tried (weakly, am not much of a persuader) to talk DC into something, but I don't have it in me to pressure them. Because I want them to be intrinsically motivated, when possible.

I think teens especially struggle to think long term, though, and are famous for only being motivated by short-term personal gain (am sure I read books about that). So if thought the bribery was just a temporary thing, I might resort to it after all.

What harm would really be done to your DS if he didn't go the extra lessons? Would he just end up so bored & mixing more with other kids who had more restricted academic choices than he knows he could have, & then he'd be grateful to go back to extra lessons after all?

I can understand him too.
It's not on the same scale, but my much younger DD is good at lots of different things. Her swimming teacher is saying it'd be good for her to do more training, her teacher would like her do more maths, her art teacher says it's be great to be doing more art, horse riding instructor wants to put her in for this and that, extention homework etc etc - she can't do all of it, there's only so many hours in a week and there are other things she'd like to do that she hasn't even tried yet. There's going to come a point when choices have to made I guess.

He sounds great and I think his attitude sounds great. Intrinsic motivation counts and to be honest it sounds like he has that to be good at that large a variety of things . If these extracurricular events interfer with his other commitments and socialising he may resent them. In an ideal world you work to live not live to work. To be honest all the sporting activities he takes part in will look far better on any UCAS or job application than some extra lessons here and there (which would probably not even get a mention) if you are worried about success.

Arghhhhh I know you are all right!!!

I'm constantly conflicted with "doing the right thing" v "doing what's best".

I'll make him see this one through, and see what happens next year.

Thank you!

x

Why make him see this one through? Honestly, what's in it for him?

Hmm, I get his point - and have noticed the same. 5 day courses in the first week of the summer holidays which start at 9am - Saturday masterclasses at 9am.... Increasingly less popular with older children (and often on rather odd things, too!).

I've always said I think she should, because if people don't go the stuff won't get offered in future, and it's a Good Thing that these things exist, I would've liked them when I were a lass but we never 'ad no g&T register.... etc. But I do always also say I understand if she'd rather not and won't make her.

i would probably say 'well, why don't you go to the first couple and see what they are about?'

i'm guessing the extra-curricular classes aren't classes in the traditional sense, but are probably project-related extension work (a chance for the kids to decide on what they want to do and how) in business terms, or something else that might float his boat given the opportunity. i'm guessing they have put a reasonable amount of effort into a g&t curriculum (here it's in the form of a mentorship scheme)

it would be a bit weird if they were just 'come in sit down be quiet and do this maths extension work' type thing. and if they are (bizarro) don't go back. that way he gets to make his own mind up about the value of the classes with actual evidence, rather than a 'mum says, school says' evidence base.

tell him to suck it and see, and if he doesn't want to go back after the first (three?) then you will support him all the way. but i'd be strongly suggesting that he actually finds out what the opportunity is first hand, rather than tossing the baby out with the bathwater.

So am I right in thinking he's done nearly a term of this now? I'd be tempted to ask him how its been going, what he gets out of it, etc and let him choose not to continue in the new year, if he doesn't feel it has any value.

No fair OP, that's not sporting. You're supposed to come back and argue with us for a few more hours, throw in a few wild exaggerations, have a giant meltdown (sprinkled with rude words) and produce an enormous But you don't understand finale.

I was very academically able at school but my parents never pushed me to do anything extra and I'm very grateful to them for that. I tried my best at the "normal" work and did extra study from time to time when it suited me and that got me fantastic grades. I'm a SAHM now so you could argue it wasn't really worth much but I enjoyed my school years. If I had been forced to do extra classes due to my talent I would have resented it hugely and it would have turned those years into hell for me. As long as he's not bored at school and is working well at his normal work then I would back off and be glad that rather than breaking his arse to get good grades he will do it easily and have more time for the more fun things in life :)

Point him in the direction of the Duke of Edinburgh Award scheme instead. It sounds right up his street - lots of opportuntiy to try new sports, socialise and yet also get himself 'stretched' - plus if he keeps going through to Gold etc. then it is a real plus later when it comes to the dreaded university personal statement.

is it 13 now for d of e? can't remember, i know some if us had to wait... great idea htough.

14, so generally Year 9 so he'd be a bit young but at the right point to start finding a DofE centre and finding out about it all.

www.dofe.org/default.aspx

I'm not giving advice here but couldn't leave without saying how wonderful he sounds. He's lucky to have such a supportive mum (and dad, possibly, sorry I don't know ).

i thought it was - i used to run an open group but it was about 20 years ago and wondered if it had changed!

Totally get your dilemma op, when I read this 2 things sprung to mind.

1. when my brother was in senior school, he was very like your ds, very academic (went on to Oxford,) and great at sport, particularly athletics. But it was the athletics he hated, because he was a good all rounder they made him do everything at athletics competitions all round the region, (about 5 counties,) every weekend & said he should be happy as it was a privilege to represent the school! To this day he resents it and he's nearly 40 now!

2. how I'd feel if it was my own ds. He's only 8 now & quite enjoys the masterclasses now, but doesn't really have any motivation to do anything out of school other than this. As he's only 8, of course, I don't have a problem with this, but to succeed they have to learn self motivation, at some point don't they? Dh & I were both drifters through school & uni & know we could have done much better, so I don't want ds to have the same regrets. But it's a toughy isn't it. Totally don't want to push them so they think you're trying to live your dreams through them, (it's not that at all,) but you want them to have options, to do whatever they want. What if in 3 years he suddenly decides he wants to be an astrophysicist or a lawyer. It going to be much harder if they've passed up opportunities now & find their motivation after they've already done gcses or chosen their a levels.

Perhaps have a chat with him about what he wants out of his future?

Thanks all - he's on his 4th EC lesson tonight - Maths (which fortunately he loves and is at a SAT level 8). He's quite looking forward to this one now he's "in it" as they are using some form of mathematical formula/equation to make Smoothies (don't ask me!)

The next one is in Feb so he's got a decent break now. He also went to the cinema on Friday night with his "ill gotten gains" so the stress over this seems to have gone for a while!

But cheers again - I'll see how the land lies in Feb:)

xx