How do you get help from school without coming across as a pushy parent?

[kistigger]

DD is in Y1 but currently crying about going to school because all the work is too easy. I approached the school and they said they would talk to her about it but still haven't. They have put her on the G&T register, at long last, and I thought this would bring about some changes but nothing! She goes out of class for 'bright stars' for maths and English alongside other G&T kids but it is only once a week for less than an hour as and when it doesn't interfere with other things, which at the moment seems to be all the time, so she hasn't been for the last 2 weeks at least!!

She is a very well behaved child in class, she quietly gets on with whatever she is asked, and is shy about putting her hand up for fear of the other children noticing her (and cos her teacher last year kept pointing her out as an example!)! But at home her behaviour starts to slide as soon as she is not getting enough mental stimulation - so currently we are getting the full brunt of the problem. I have approached them many times asking for help or suggestions of things I can do at home but they have not been forthcoming. When she completes work in class, often she has to sit and do colouring rather than trying something a little harder!

I am currently studying for a degree and whilst I give her some time, it is not enough for what she needs and I always feel I am neglecting my DS (I don't want that to sound as if I put more effort into the degree than the kids, both take up more time than I have!!!). I hate to see her so upset. I'm not at all confrontational face to face and feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall. I know if she became naughty in class they would sort everything out quickly, and I do not want to encourage this just to get the problem sorted.

What can I do, I'm going out of my mind trying to figure out the best solution?!! Any and all suggestions would be helpful at this point! And to add insult to injury - they seem to be keeping her on the same reading level, finding obscure books noone in school has even opened in years, so she is now getting bored of the books too - and this was the thing they had been most on top of!!!

Does she have many friends at school, or is part of the problem that she doesn't find the other children interesting? Is she very task orientated? How well does she work with the other children in groups? The unhappiness may not be solely due to the work not being interesting enough and therefore not entirely cured by providing more and more differentiated work, so you need to be very confident as to ALL the causes of her dissatisfaction before you decide how best to act (unless you want her to think school is about nothing but getting work done by yourself and that nobody of her age ever does the same work as her). As for her behaviour at home - she shouldn't need constant intervention to find mental stimulation. She is old enough to find ways to entertain herself that are neither naughty nor unstimulating. Is your ds much younger/older than your dd? Do they never play together? Fwiw, I think KS1 is difficult for some children because of the less obviously structured, play-based format, and KS2 generally finds such children much happier and more settled. Until then, it's a process of balancing differing needs and interests in the hope of ending up with a happy, settled, well balanced and well stimulated child.

i have found that dd has reached a point where she needs to read a lot of books at a similar level because she needs to develop the wider reading skills and vocabulary and know what words mean. ew got to white/lime quite quickly and now need to expand sideways. maybe that is the same for your dd, either that or they have run out of books.

have you asked them what she specifically needs to master to progress in reading? does she do any ork related to the reading books at home? (we've just been told to do book reports (dead helpful!)

She has quite a few friends at school and seems happy to play with any of them. She works well in groups to my knowledge. She is a sociable creature! She plays with her brother at home, more so now he has learned the art of pretend play from her. He is 2.6 years older than her. She doesn't need constant intervention at home in that sense, it's just that on the whole my DS won't play the things she wants to play and instead makes her play battles with his lego starwars. She likes to play board game type things and loves BBC bitesize games and loves cutting things up/craft (none of which he will do with her). She is a giant sponge and wants to absorb as much as possible all the time.

blackeyedsanta - No additional work given for her reading books, I get her to think about what words/concepts in them anyway though. Doing book reviews might be worthwhile though! My suspicions is they have run out of books and do not want to admit they have a problem. She has reading targets but they are for her phonic/guided reading group which all read at least 3 stages below her - so she's still learning some of the later phonic stages (theory) but the books are easy, she understands the concepts in them, and most the targets she did a while ago but is now going backwards because they are making her rethink about these things because the rest of the group need to do it, there are no other children her level for her to be put with!! ie she is trying to read too fast because she has the ability to and so misses words/pausing at full stops etc when reading out loud even though she has heard one in her head!

Couldn't you ask for her to take her own books into school from home - say, eg, you take her to the library and give her free choice? My dss' school likes to encourage the children to make their own choices... Ds2 (also in year 1) has also been asked to write down interesting words from his books and look them up in the dictionary, which for some odd reason he appears to enjoy. He then puts the words into interesting sentences. They've also played games with him (eg finding names of places beginning with every letter of the alphabet, looking them up on a map, finding out about them). Ds2 also rather enjoyed learning to touch type at home, which kept him diverted for a while, and is currently doing tapestry - he likes anything practical and I don't see why girls should get all the sewing and knitting-type activities! He also loves learning to play the piano and is learning french - another something outside of school to keep him stimulated (although the piano lessons are in school time). He does find a lot of what he does at school boring, but is happier this year than he was last year, because they do make an effort to differentiate his work whenever they can (mainly in maths and literacy) and encourage him to feel OK about contributing his bit in class. The not having any other children in his year working at the same level is the basic problem, otherwise I think his life would be easier. As the other children get older and start catching up on the basic skills, I'm sure he'll be happier, as I'm certain that he isn't the only child capable of thinking at a higher level, even if currently the only one who can read, write and add up at a higher level!

rabbitstew - they haven't offered anything for me to do with her at home, other than the weekly homework which is the same as all the other children get, not even suggestions of little games or activities like you suggest! The only suggestion I have had from them were for the Carol Vordeman website which I can't afford and for an extended maths site which I use when I have time to hunt for one of a suitable level (geared for older children). I even mentioned she thought her brothers homework (Y4) looked so exciting she sat and did some of it and could they find me something to do with her and still nothing has come home. How many times should I ask for things (and still receive nothing back) before I approach the (unapproachable) head? They also seem to be happy for her to read additional books at home but are not keen on her taking anything to class and rarely offer them opportunity to read in the classroom anything other than the picture books they happen to have in there!

I'm getting upset with the endless 'yes I'll do that' or 'yes I'll chat to her' and 'I'll send something home' promises that simply never materialize! DD's response now at the end of the day is getting so matter-of-fact the work was all too easy that I'm getting concerned that they are not offering her anything at all in class either!!

I know she is only little and I know that they learn a lot through play but that is no excuse for making her sit and listen to endless repetition when she understood it the first time or she knew it already!!! I even sent worksheets in which I printed off the BBC KS1 Bitesize website for her to do and so far they have refused to even let her get them out of her bag!!!

That does sound a bit frustrating. Is it just an infant school or does it go all the way through to year 6? Surely if the latter, they have their own library with more interesting books in it that she can access?

Does the school give the children access to Education City? My ds2 quite enjoys playing on that and selects all sorts of random things from it from all sorts of years. The school also quite often posts links to good websites that contain games and information linked to what they are learning at school - all via the school's website (where they also inflict homework on the children when the school's closed because of the snow!). Maybe they do that for children higher up the school? If your ds has access...

It's a shame you can't be a fly on the wall for the morning, to see what's really going on. You never know, it might be reassuring. Have you seen your dd's workbooks from school, recently, to get an idea what sort of things she is working on? I know my ds2 plays up the "I'm bored" thing sometimes in a bid for attention, or to express general disatisfaction about something that doesn't really relate to boredom at all, he just thinks "I'm bored" will elicit a response. "Bored" has also been known to mean,"that's too difficult and I don't want to admit it."

Just a thought but could you be a bit more forceful in actually getting her some concrete work, next time you go in to ask be sure you know what you want ie games and practice for 6 times table, be sure your asking the right person (the person who would normally teach this, not necessarily her class teacher, probably teachers from the year or two above - don't let one teacher be asking another) and then pin them down by saying yes yes I'll be in to collect that tomorrow at three - which room would you like me to come to" - be polite but get the staff to comit too.

e mail the teacher. it ill then be on record. eg thankyou for agreeing to supply x y z.... sot of thing. follow it up a week later...

sorry, back later.

It's just an infant school so there is not much hope of getting much beyond Y2 including for reading/library (fortunately she loves going to the real library for books)!! Our school also doesn't seem to use Education City, they use PurpleMash or something weird... she refuses to use the maths/English activities because the teacher has told them not to do those but to do the arty activities!! The only other offering on the school website is the dreaded unmentionable website!!!!! The junior school has Education City so I can access my son's one, they haven't paid for any infants level stuff, so I will have to check carefully on the level... but good thinking rabbitstew, I will start looking on there!!! I do wonder whether it is worth asking both schools about the possibility of her going to the juniors (after school) to get their leveled reading books!

RosemaryandThyme - thank you, I will try to pin them down!

2 next level books came home in the book bag today, progress and without me even asking! Incidentally noticed that she had been given a harder homework to another child in her class this last week so maybe they are making a few differentiations without me realizing! Big relief on both counts... hoping to get a chance to try out some of the Education City games tomorrow!!

blackeyedsanta - I'm not sure I can email individual teachers, well if you can they do not make that public knowledge!!!!

Harder or easier or all the same homework ime means jack shit. sorry.

you could email the school though and address it to the teacher. sorry I did not get back sooner, it has been a bit hectic and sorry too for not making it clearer in the last post.

your post made me feel so sad as it brought back so many memories of our time with a younger G&T DD1. She's 17 now and we're still going banging our head against many of the same brick walls - and that's despite selling our house to provide a private education for her! Schools just don't want to deal with the 'clever' end of the special needs spectrum and we were continually made to feel like pushy parents. My only advice is to ask to speak to firstly her class teacher and ask for the school's SENCO (Special Educational Needs Co-Ordinator) to be present. All schools have to have an appointed teacher who takes on this role, (usually its for the other end of the special needs spectrum) but insist that he/she is present. Then follow up the meeting in writing to the Head. That way you've got documented evidence to provide to the Local Education Authority when (and it will be when, not if) you need to ask them to intervene to get the education your DD deserves.
Also you can check out the most recent Ofsted report of the school and if there's a mention of need for provision for high achievers write to the Head and ask what, if anything, is being done on this recommendation. Again, more documentary evidence to show to the LEA.
Sorry if this all sounds a bit extreme (and obviously you don't want to have to do this) but on my experience if you don't stand up for her then who will? It won't be easy and yes, you're going to get accused of being pushy, not considering other children, asking for extension work which means creating addtional work for the teacher but at the end of the day she only gets one shot at an education.
Incidentally we can't have got it all wrong as DD1's now hoping to read Law at Cambridge!
I wish you good luck, stay strong, listen to your instincts and stand your ground. She'll thank you one day

I don't think you can come across without being seen as (a little bit) pushy, but why should it matter . You need a school that recognises potential without a parent pointing it out (but reading lots of posts on MN I think it maybe rare ). On the other hand though MN may be biased as fustrated people are more likely to post.

ps, no head banging here so it can work.

girlwhousedtobeme
Good for you and your dd ,i love your post,i have a difficult meeting due with school next week and your post has spured me on so thank you.

girlwhousedtobeme - the head banging thing is really draining isn't it?!! I am considering private school too... though we may have to wait until she is old enough to apply for a scholarship for secondary!!

iggly2 - they have recognised she needed to be on the g&t register and i wish they could see what i see, she is just so quiet and refuses to show them what she is capable, so the teachers make me feel like I am making it all up and roll their eyes when I try to talk to them! I'm sure there is bias on here in that people need somewhere to vent or ask questions that schools rarely seem to answer but I think there is also a big element of children are not as 'average' as they would like to believe and their system of delivery is not as 'individual' as they would have us believe (sorry to any teachers out there... I think you know what I mean though!!). Glad you have a school that recognises your DC's potential and obliges what they need!

I think part the problem is that she has two teachers (not that I object, they are both lovely ladies), it's just we never quite know which teacher does which days and I have to get the same one I asked last time etc because messages simply do not get through from one to the other! Plus one of them is doing some sort of extra course so is often away meaning cover teachers etc. Also I'm not overkeen on the TA, she has a very harsh mannerism and you feel she will bite your head off as soon as you look at her, and it's her that lets the kids out one afternoon a week, so another day where noone is available to talk to.

I'm hoping that in the new year my studying timetable will have leveled out a bit better, so I can go into DC's classes for a couple of hours each. I'm most worried that it will confirm all my worse fears, as it did when I went into DS class when he was in Y1!

yes Kstigger, a very draining time! But remember she's got you on her side and willing to fight her corner so she's a winner already :)
Please keep an eye on your daughter's reluctance to answer questions for fear of being held as an example. I've been there and the affect on her self-confidence can be long-lasting. Even at such a young age the need to 'fit in' over rides all others and can lead to her hiding her abilities when really she should be celebrating them.
We were frequently advised to stimulate DD1 outside school so took her on trips to museums etc and also made scrapbook project books on subjects which interested her, eg horses. She'd find pictures, research facts and one project (I think it was food) we turned into a cookery lesson learning how to weigh foods and write out a recipe for the scrapbook. It wasn't the answer to boredom at school but it did keep her occupied and stretched her at home.
Financially we too had to wait until secondary school for private education (which still wasn't perfect but a definite improvement) but was so the right decision. She thrived from day one and every school report and parents evening was about her as an individual not just another classmate.
You've a long road ahead of you (and the goalposts keep moving) but, as we often reminded ourselves, if her special needs were the other end of the spectrum we'd be shouting just as loud for some help. Good luck, you can do it.