Anxiety, Fear of Failure and Perfectionism

[adoptmama]

Hello everyone,

(long post; sorry!)

First off I'd like to say how happy I am to find this forum! Already what I have read has been so encouraging on so many levels, particularly as I see many of you have children who also struggle with anxiety, fear of failure and perfectionist traits in school.

My DD is in Reception and will be 5 in March. Earlier this year I had her assessed by a psychologist because I was worried about her anxiety. This is not primarily an educational issue but stems from her early life (adopted as infant) and institutionisation. I was concerned about sensory issues (noises, textures, flavours etc.) and extreme reactions (vomiting etc.) to them. I also suspected she was highly able/gifted in maths and thought maybe the nosie sensitivity was related. Ed. psych did Kaufaman ABC (I think thats right) assessment and confirmed giftedness in Maths and likely in language (assessment not completed). She also identified anxiety issues (praise be as I was so fed up being dismissed as loopy for saying this!) and feels the sensory issues are linked to the anxiety as is some obsessive compulsive behaviour. At the same time she identifed DD as having problems with visual memory. DD now goes to art therapy and psych. also works on visual memory problems with her.

At school she displays no sign whatsoever of her giftedness. She is strongly motivated to avoid anything where failure is a possibility - even with things she has previously mastered. At home she works on Maths more than 2 years above chronological age. At school she'll basically show them she can count to 20 and leave it at that. Whenever something new is presented (not just maths, but writing, a play activity etc.) she will often refuse point blank to participate. She does not like mistakes and will try to throw work away or obliterate 'bad' work by scribbling over it: it's taken a few weeks just to get her to accept crossing it out. She likes to be able to practise at home and only do it at school when she is confident. At social events she takes a long time to gain the confidence to join in and is very clingy. When comfortable she is outgoing, confident and a leader - it just takes her time to feel ready to join in.

School are on board now with the strategies suggested by psych. regarding praising her for effort, hard work, trying something new etc. rather than simply saying 'you're so smart' etc. Yesterday she tried something completely new to her, loved it and came home very excited; so hopefully it is working! (Same strategies actually as mentioned in Mindset, Carol Dweck, and I really recommend this book to those of you whose children struggle with perfectionism and fear of failure).

So after that lengthy background :) my question is really whether I should worry about whether she is doing maths 'at her level' in school or not. My primary concern is her anxiety/fear of failure and perfectionism, as long term I feel this is what will be detrimental to her education if it is not tackled. I have basically given up any expectation of her working at her level in Maths this year at school - after all we still do it at home when she likes and she is making progress and enjoying it. However if she never gets to the point where she is confident and willing to show her true ability at school then my home schooling her in this area will not be beneficial for ever (my maths will not be up to it!) Should I have insisted though that they give her ability-appropriate work at school? Am I 'letting her off the hook' by allowing her to avoid mathematical challenges? If she doesn't work at her level will she actually be tackling her perfectionism/fear of failure in maths, or will she simply be reinforcing it in the long term? My strategy (with teacher) at the moment is to look for opportunities where she can gradually gain confidence without all the focus being on the one subject area (as her motivation to avoid failure is not just related to the area of her giftedness) and be shown how to learn from mistakes and how to enjoy doing something new and challenging. However have I got the balance right by essentially giving the green light to the school to ignore enrichment or extension opportunities for her? After all, she is only 4. Does it really matter if she is advancing in her Maths skills just now. (Worried that flip side might be that she is bored and unmotivated to do anything new for this reason. She has made comments like 'oh not counting to ten again!).

reception is a bit funny with regard to maths. children are supposed to demonstrate what they can do themselves, without adult input. not very helpful when they do not provide the equipment/activities for her to show what she can do or she prefers to be in the homecorner all the time.

out of interest, what do you call 2 years beyond expectations? was that the ed psych who said that? [nosy] (i am asking because dd is good at maths and I think i am trying to get a comparison for my own benefit, not calling into question your view of it) does that mean early year 2 stuff? (tries to remember what that is)

can you do some fun maths stuff with her at home to stretch her a bit? would that keep her ticking over until she gains confidence to have a try at school?

I think there may be enough stuff in reception for her to try to do and not worry about failure. it does not necessarily have to be maths. would giving her time to get used to the "having a try" regime before asking for harder work be helpful?

not sure whether I have been helpful or not, but i do rememberthe frustration of reception. "she is working on one more to 10" whereas at home she can do one or two more or less to 100 (1st term reception)

I also found that we did less at home in reception as she was just getting used to the new tiring routine of reception. things picked up towards the middle/end of reception, eased off again at the start of y1, but is beginning to pick up again.

I think you are handling things Exactly the right way. The most important thing in reception is learning the routine & settling in, making friends etc. And as she is having a few issues, it is very important that you focus on this & it's great that the teacher is on board with this. If she's having issues with prefectionism it might actually do her good to have an area (maths,) where she doesnt need to worry, because it will increase her confidence & it sounds like there are other things she is finding harder and will help her overcome her fear of failure, iyswim.

Tbh, (as you may have read on other threads,) dcs don't usually get stretched in reception, (lots of moans about book levels being too easy etc) & I have found the same, eg ds left reception reading at level 7 (ORT,) but within a week of year one was a free reader, so things do seem to crank up in ks1.

It would also be hard for the teacher to differentiate work for her anyway if she's not showing what she's capable of in class & that will only come once she is more confident & comfortable, so focusing on that this year, should definitely be your priority. Hopefully, that way you'll find next year, she'll be ready to show what she can really do & the school will be in a better position to differentiate for her.

Agree with the others, I think you are handling things just right. I can empathise a lot as my ds was (and still is to an extent) very similar. He would not tackle anything until he could demonstrate he had mastered it properly! Reception was quite difficult but I am pleased to say he flourished in Year 1 and it was then that school tested his abilities in maths. In Year 2 he got differentiated work and extension and that was probably about the right age for him - I think you will probably know when it is right for your daughter. You are not letting her off the hook. You could find other problem solving things for ehr to do that are fun, and she'll let you know when she's ready.

It has been more difficult at home to tackle the perfectionism. He now plays 4 instruments, one to quite a high level for his age and that has helped him understand that effort pays off and that not everything can be mastered immediately. He is still a very hard taskmaster and his own hardest critic and will sometimes still meltdown if he can't do something. It's a difficult balance, trying things which he can't do but which teach him that it's ok not to be able to do something without destroying his confidence.

Many very bright children will in all reality not be remotely stretched by schoolwork until at leat A level or above, but it is still really important to teach them the skills to persist, to try and to persevere. My ds school have been fantastic at putting things in place for him, but the more they do, the faster he goes!

I think it sounds like she is going through enough right now. Starting school is a lot for any child (did she have nursery before?). You seem very worried about giving into perfectionist traits and demotivating her with easy work BUT there is another risk that of risking her longer term enjoyment of a subject by doing too much to soon when there is so much going on already.

If she enjoys doing things in the comfort of home can you do it there? Here you can praise her efforts and help her relax. I think looking at my DS's friends and listening to what parents say in the playgound a lot of children at home work at a very different level to school (no distractions etc).

However have I got the balance right by essentially giving the green light to the school to ignore enrichment or extension opportunities for her?

YES, Yes, Yes......................

In my mind a great approach right now.

I have to say I could see my dd1 in your post. Highly gifted in Mathis, English, and art but major anxiety issues. She also has a dx of high functioning autism. I'm not saying that's whats wrong and would never consider dx a child via Internet, but I would hate for some little one to miss out in help because I didn't say anything.

If it helps, things we use are, home/school book, sensory bag with calming stuff in, visual timetable, and focusing on what she is good at. Sadly she still is very emotional and now waiting for camhs.

I think for right now you are doing exactly the right thing - your strategy will help build her confident in a new environment and with the background you describe you have to give her time. Once school becomes part of her comfort zone, you can start working on the idea that it is OK to make mistakes and that you learn from mistakes more than you do from getting things right.

My DD1 had all this in Yr3, she is a perfectionist too but is now in Yr6 and has settled down a lot - she's expected high 5s in her SATs and a possible 6 in writing so all the confidence building does pay off, and most importantly she loves school.

Your DD has had a rough start in life and she is still very little. All the work you do now in helping her find herself and her place is going to pay off in spades later on.

ooh I'm tardy with my thanks - but thanks for the replies. It is nice to 'speak' with folks who understand the hidden anxiety issues and don't get fooled by the surface smiles as many IRL people I know do. It's also very reassuring to get feedback that is so positive. It's very easy to question your own decisions when you are neck deep in it all (and can't see wood for trees etc.)

Lisa, thanks for query. Did actually ask psych. if she thought DD could be on the spectrum as it has crossed my mind more than once. She reassures me no, this is not the case with her.

Pointythings - so reassuring to know your daughter has overcome her perfectionism. Did you do anything to help this or do you think it came more from within herself?

iggly2 yes she did nursery (though there were issues there from their actions that i firmly believe caused her great additional stress - hackles are rising just from thinking about it again!) so despite her teachers comments about how she is 'always so happy' and 'enjoys school' I know it is, at times a mask for her true feelings.

Hi adoptmama, My DD overcame her fear of failure with help from a very excellent teacher who worked with me to teach her that it was better to tackle something hard and make mistakes than to do something easy perfectly. She praised effort rather than result (which research suggests is the way to go, so you say 'I can see you've really worked hard on this, well done' instead of 'well done, aren't you clever' - a subtle difference but essential to self-esteem.

The big thing we had problems with was writing - DD would sit there fretting over not being able to do the piece of writing perfectly. She'd write nothing at all for about half an hour, then dash something off in a state of panic. What she wrote was still well above average, but it wasn't the best she could do because she was afraid to really try. We had her start a novel at home, in her own time - she could show it to me and the teacher or not, as she wished, but we were always there for her to bounce ideas off. She ended up doing about 15 pages and then it petered out, but by then she had rediscovered the joys of writing and was fine. The whole process took about 3 weeks.

I wonder whether doing something creative at home with your DD would have a similar effect? She sounds bright and keen, so she might like to have a 'project' to work on. It needn't be a book - it could be poems, short stories, lists of words she finds interesting, information she has collected. The point would be that it would be hers - she could keep it entirely to herself if she wished and you would have to respect that, but you could make yourself available to talk to her about it. If her teacher is engaged enough, she could get involved too.

The really important thing is to get your DD to take the pressure off herself and realise that mistakes are an learning opportunity, not a failure. If she can learn that lesson, she'll be set for life.

Hi Pointything thanks for reply.

Praising for effort/process is defintitely what we are working on with advice from psych. plus Carol Dweck/Mindset book. Also trying to encourage and praise taking risks and trying new things. Hope it will work but DD is crafty! Took out a puzzle one day to great fanfair (she has big probs with them because of visual memory deficit) and announced she was going to try something 'very hard'. For her a 24 piece puzzle is very challenging as she cannot see how the shapes relate so will try repeatedly to fit obviously wrong pieces into a place (like putting straight edge into centre of puzzle). So after her very proud announcement about trying something new and difficult she poured it on the floor, spent 5 minutes staring at it in horror then quickly announced it was too easy after all and she would do a different one!

Your suggestion of how to tackle a home project is very good timing as we have just decided to work together on a 'space book'. This was a topic she was intro'd to last year in nursery and she was absolutely set on fire by it; loves all things space and says she 'feels like I want to cry when I look at the stars because I want to go there so much'. Guess this will be the next best thing! Got some lovely resources off sparkelbox site so she has her pictures and is all ready to start finding out stuff and practising her writing. She does have a tendency to get very angry/frustrated when she can't do something: psych says her anxiety gets so high she can't access the help being offered as her brain is overloaded. At school she shows this by total withdrawal, won't look at teacher etc. but at home she shouts and screams instead. Guess I will gauge success of project by how little shouting there is and how willing she will be to produce wobbly writing (therefore imperfect to her) and squint letters next to the 'perfect' pictures chosen from internet. That will be an issue for her as she will see her writing as 'spoiling' the look of the book. I was hoping we could agree to not do maths at home for a while whilst working on the book (I am not the maths fan she is!) but she said a definite 'no'. Now trying to figure out how to incorporate Maths in an interesting manner!

Don't especially like Bimbo/Barbie but sometimes wish DD would show more desire to play with them instead of all this 'school stuff'. Wonder if Bimbo comes in astronaut suit? Must check amazon ;)

Adoptamama, a bit of an aside, but not sure if you know, but spark box was set up by a convicted pedophile. Just letting you know so you can make an informed decision as to whether you want to buy stuff from them.

eeeeuuuuuw! seriously? I had NO idea. Yuck, yuck, yuck! Was using them because our primary school use them (work in school with kids from age 2 1/2 to 18; I'm in secondary part) and I'd pinched a laminated 100 square off a primary colleague. Eeew. Yuck. Blurgh. Feel the need to go scrub. On good side used free downloads. On negative, used the site. Uugh! Will make sure my work know on Monday. Eeeew.

and yes.

There is a Bimbo Barbie Astronaut available.

Figures.

Part of the 1965 my favourite career range. LMAO at the student teacher doll - very clear to see how she was planning on getting promotion! Definitely looks like she'd be willing to use the cane :)

adoptmama I will now never look at my DDs' Barbies in the same way again... Thanks a lot for that - not .

I really hope the space project pays off for you, am very sorry about the re resources - thanks for the heads up, Joyn. DD1 is writing poetry at home now, some of it is really good - doing enjoyable stuff in own time is definitely good for self esteem.

dd's teacher uses them as ell. apparently it is nothing to do with him any more, but I shudder when I have to see the sign on the door.

We are in a similar situation with DS who is also 5. He is very able and terrified of failure. School knows he is bright and stretch him a bit -he goes two classes up to get his reading books - but that is only because he wouldn't pretend to know how to read.

He does normal year 1 maths in school and at home he insists on also doing a version of his brothers year 3 maths homework (managing this is actually my biggest problem). He is terrified to fail. These days he refuses to even play board games with his that involve winning or losing. Swimming lessons are his worst 30 minutes of the week because he isn't a strong swimmer. He has funny anxiety tics.

I am letting him doodle about in school because the social anxiety is huge for him. He takes everything very seriously and it is very easy to have his feelings hurt. At home we stretch him when he wants to be stretched. We don't have to push him academically so we don't.

I worry much more about giving him the skills to manage his anxiety than I worry about his educational enrichment. He is smart and curious, and over time he will do just fine in school. I do push him to put his head under water in the swimming pool. Having him successfully overcome things that scare him seems very important at this stage of his development.

We also only praise effort and "bravery." Bravery is doing something that scares you a little.