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Gifted and talented

Talk to other parents about parenting a gifted child on this forum.

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Original poster

Advice please.....

72 replies

Tw1nkle · 02/09/2011 19:52

Just picked daughter up from nursery (she'll be 3 in november), and they want me to get he 'health visitor' involved because she isn't interacting with the other children!!!

I'll obvioulsy contact the Health Visitor, but wondered if anyone could give me any advice too!!!

My Daughter is a happy little girl at home, talks non-stop, plays happily etc. She is the only child in the family (and extended family), and only wants to be with adults.

She knows other little children, that she has known since she has been born, and I have always been socialable with her - but she has never shown any interest in other children!!!

Now the Nursery are thinking it's an issue - any advice please?!?!

OP posts:

Original poster

Tw1nkle · 02/09/2011 22:22

I hope so.....

OP posts:

madwomanintheattic · 02/09/2011 22:24

x post again.

mm. she's just a little monkey

does she have your full on attention at home? i'd be inclined for a bit to make sure she has periods where she has to amuse herself. because you are Very Busy. and can't do anything with her. could you invite a friend with a similar aged kid around and have very important coffee discussion, steering her gently to the other side of the room every time she comes to sit by you?

it's lovely, in that she obviously has a very strong bond with you, but like dd2, i had to get a bit militant and kind of force some independence on her. she loved her keyworker. and so did we. but socially it wasn't going to help her long term - she needed to be less reliant on adults. so the nursery agreed to change around the help - and to ensure that the support knew they were there to promote interaction with her peer group lol.

this is a massive x-post as i went to meet the school bus half way through, so the conversation has probably moved on!

blackeyedsusan · 02/09/2011 22:25

not 3? do they not know that children may do parrallel play still at that age?

dd did not play with others til well past 3, nearly 4, but once she was 4.2 and at school, she was playing with others. she is quite bright, was at nursery too, but not in interacting with others.

madwomanintheattic · 02/09/2011 22:29

she seems to enjoy lots of things that necessitate adult/ older interaction. do you ever go and jump in puddles or make gloop? or give her a bucket of water and a paintbrush and let her paint the fence/ wall/ road/ path? something that she can have fun and explore on her own, rather than a higher level thinking game?

Original poster

Tw1nkle · 02/09/2011 22:29

Thanks everyone - I do feel a lot better now having heard all your comments!!!

She is getting a lot better at home these days - but only the last few months or so - she will play by herself when i'm 'busy' - she managed 45 minutes the day!!!

I'm kind of pleased that the nursery are picking up on it, but I think I might have to tell them to be stricter with her too, and not let her follow them around (She has been known to follow them around, and even help them do the cleaning - she sweeps up for them!!!!)

OP posts:

Original poster

Tw1nkle · 02/09/2011 22:32

Re the fun things - that's what we do the most of!!!! I really don't push the education side of things, as she's not lacking in that area naturally.

So she's always at the playground, painting, in the garden, play-do etc - she's pretty creative and gets bored in the house pretty quickly, so i take her out every day when we're at home, if only for a walk to the shop!!!

But still - she can do all the above things by herself, or with an adult.

OP posts:

carpwidow · 02/09/2011 22:32

She sweeps up??!! Excellent - put her up the chimneys asap! ;)

madwomanintheattic · 02/09/2011 22:36

then i wouldn't worry. you just need to keep supporting her to partner up with other dcs at the groups you go to. it's a gently thing - can't be forced. she'll get the hang of it. (but def worth concentrating on for a bit)

still slightly mystified by the hv suggestion though. i'd ask the nursery what they think the hv would do... or what they are expecting out of it.

she seems happy enough. just try and be a bit busier than usual and direct her off a bit more (and have a few more babies. that'll cure her of neding adult attention forever ) she's still wee yet.

Original poster

Tw1nkle · 02/09/2011 22:41

The nursery said they want advice from HV, to see if she can suggest a different approach for them to try!!!

I like the idea of more babies....:o)

OP posts:

Marne · 02/09/2011 22:42

Why do people get so bitchy on here when a parent thinks (or knows) there child is gifted? OP came her for advice.

I think you sound like a great parent, your dd sounds very bright, my dd also prefers adult company, at the age of 3 she was not overly bothered by other childrens company and would often be glued to the staff at nursery, she's now 7 and still struggles a little with children her age, prefers male company and older children, she is G&T but she also has Aspergers syndrome, she has improved a lot sinse going to school, she has a lot of friends but no close friends. Dd1 is a different child at home than she is at school, she does find the whole 'socail thing' a bit hard which does make her anxous.

carpwidow · 02/09/2011 22:42

Who was bitchy Marne?

madwomanintheattic · 02/09/2011 22:45

child care professionals needing advice from the hv?... hmm. i would ask them if acquisition and development of toddler social skills was covered in their blardy early years nvq's, but i'm a stroppy mare.
(and i hate nvq's with a passion)

maybe more babies would be easier in the long run!

madwomanintheattic · 02/09/2011 22:46

i was. but only about nvq's.

Marne · 02/09/2011 22:49

Maybe bitchy was the wrong word (sorry i'm tired) but as soon as a parent mentions there child may be G&T every one jumps in with the 'why do you think that' questions.

There does seem to be a lot more presure on parents and children these days, 3 is still very young and a lot of children (older children, say 5-6) still do not really play with other children. Theres also a lot of talk about G&T childrenand i'm not sure if children so young should be labeled as G&T. Often children who are gifted have social difficlties and quit a few are on the autistic spectrum (i have 2 here), not that i am saying the OP should be worried.

Original poster

Tw1nkle · 02/09/2011 22:49

It's the secnd time they've asked for the HV - the first was about a year ago when DD started to bend her fingers back when she got upset (She's double-jointed) - the HV couldn't really do much about that either!!!

OP posts:

Bingbangbong · 02/09/2011 22:56

Perhaps it is worth ditching the playgroups for now and just having some one to one time. If she seems sad, and does not particularly want to interact, why force it? It might just make her anxious.

My DS1 was similarly unwilling to interact with anyone at playgroups, and our CM was so concerned about his speech she advised me to seek advice from the childrens centre drop in SALT. I was amazed, as he continuously asked questions at home. He is due to start reception now and a totally different child; he is a confident, sociable boy and his pre-school have no concerns about him. what made the difference to him, I think, was a few years maturity.

I think you should speak to the HV but also listen to your intuition.

MumblingRagDoll · 02/09/2011 23:04

My DD is 7 now and she was JUST like your DD at 3. I also thought he was gifted...she is bright but not gifted....she's come out of herself as she got older and your DD will more than likely do the same.

What helped us was inviting some other children from nursery for playdates. It helped massively actually.

I have another DD who is 3 and 6 months and she is also a little ant social....and she's bright...and articulate and watchful and chatty with adults...but she's not gifted.

At least not as far as I can tell! School will notice if your DD is gifted.

madwomanintheattic · 02/09/2011 23:19

in our case, nursery tried to get the lea to assess ds1 at 3 for the whole g&t malarkey. they obv told them to poke right off. i knew nothing about it until the end of term when they confessed. but yy, they are all assessed on starting school so that they are given the right reading books etc.

marne, i think we were a bit baffled initially as the op didn't mention g&t originally, so we thought it might have been on the wrong board/ should have been in development etc.

then went onto whether g&t meant social inadequacy, and potential for asd etc. i might have been a bit sharp initially, i don't agree with the 'my child is g&t and that's why they struggle socially' causation link. so wanted to check whether there are any other flags which could indicate spectrum type behaviours. and i was slightly concerned that the nursery were trying to involve the health side - they should be more than capable of encouraging social developmetn, which made me concerned there were additional concerns. (i now have a slight concern about posturing and stuff lol after the hands thing, but equally i could go, ooo, retts )

but i think not. the op's little girl is still tiny, and i think she loves her mummy, and loves attention from adults.

i do get a bit at using g&t as an explanation for poor social skills. nowt to do with whether or not a kid is g&t. just whether he's g&t and happens to have some social difficulties as well.

hope i wasn't too sharp!

madwomanintheattic · 02/09/2011 23:22

um. and i hate to ask (but i may as well whilst we're pondering co-morbids ) was she delayed developmentally for fine or gross motor skills? just curious whether (for example) if she's hypermobile (for example) that some of the gross motor play might be a bit much for her? so she might genuinely prefer to sit and chat... does she fall easily or was she late walking?

Original poster

Tw1nkle · 03/09/2011 06:54

She was born prematurely and we did have a few issues around her health, but she was walking by 1, and started talking inline with everyone else.

She is hypermobile, and she sees the Physio regularly. She doesn't like boysterous play, and much prefers quieter play.

OP posts:

snailoon · 03/09/2011 07:19

My son was like this at her age, and yes she does sound unusually clever to me. I wouldn't worry too much, but would try to invite children over to your house, rather than going to all those groups, which can be very judgemental and annoying. I think (if you can arrange it) the best situation is playing with children of your friends, while all the parents have a good time too. I wouldn't worry so much about ages of all the kids; just let everyone play together. My son (who was extremely early with things like reading and maths) now, at 16, has a wonderful group of friends, but it certainly hasn't always been easy to "fit in", especially around age 13.

ibizagirl · 03/09/2011 09:18

Hello Tw1nkle. My dd is and always has been like yours. There was never any small children around as our family is tiny. I am an only child and now same for dd. I didn't have any trouble when i was younger and i was always brighter than friends and the same is now for my dd who is on g and t register since about aged 5 (so we were told in year 6 as neither of us knew anything about it). Dd didn't attend nursery as i liked her at home with me (selfish i know but i am a single parent and enjoyed her company) and i tought her to read and write way before age 3 same as i was helped. She always liked to play things like snakes and ladders and ludo and also card games. When she started school at 4 she could read and write well and her reception teacher did not like it one bit. I was actually called in to see her and she said that schools do not like children too advanced because it causes headaches for the teachers! Dd has always been way advanced for her age and at aged 7 was getting level 4a on her sats as they gave her the higher paper to do. Next year she got 5a and she couldn't get any higher because she wasn't allowed to do the higher paper. At the moment she is 12 and just about to start year 8. In tests in year 7 she is now on level 7a. Your dd seems to me that she could be gifted/bright/brainy, whatever you want to call it but don't expect help from school. Mine has not had much praise or well done apart from maybe one teacher earlier on. All that happens is that dd is given more work to do and help other children in lower classes. Like i said in another topic, it is like she is being punished. G and t does not get mentioned at her high school. She is set 1 for lessons and has always been exceptional at maths and literacy but not really pushed at moment and finds it all really easy. Teachers already give them gcse and a level work and that is it. Your dd sounds lovely and you should encourage her like i did with mine and if she likes being around adults more then let her. It won't harm her or make her school life difficult if mine is anything to go by. Her talking will be better too. Good luck to you all. x

carpwidow · 03/09/2011 16:26

Thanks Marne - in asking the question "why do you think your child is G&T?" I was certainly not being bitchy, but wanting to put the OP's situation in context. It's really hard to offer advice if you don't have a full picture. :)

MollieO · 03/09/2011 17:21

Hopefully the physio will help. Ds was prem and is hypermobile. He had loads of physio once he started walking (just before 2) and now at 7 you'd never know that he used to fall over every time he ran up until the end of reception. However he will still spend most of his breaktime in the quiet area as he doesn't like being surrounding by boisterous boys (most of his classmates!). He takes a book to school so he can excuse himself and read. He says it is because he worries about falling over and getting hurt but I just think he isn't interested in the games the other boys play. Developmentally his gross motor skills were delayed and his fine motor skills were advanced of his age.

chillikate · 03/09/2011 20:07

How about trying a play date at yours?? Is there a little friend / parents you get on well with that you could invite. Maybe help her to play with another child but in an environment shes comfortable in.

All kids are different - mine follows the "bossing all the other kids around because he knows better"!!! Hes been at nursery since 4 months old and has tended to get frustrated with his peers but always happy to play with them, but at times just wants a more mature chat with an adult.

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