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Gifted and talented

Talk to other parents about parenting a gifted child on this forum.

really unhappy

10 replies

sadaboutschool · 12/05/2011 20:46

I'm really really upset and basically just need to sound off,i'm a regular but if you recognise me please dont out me.
My dd who is 5 and in reception is very bright (i do think gifted but this hasnt been confirmed by full iq testing yet,although she has had develpomental test that have confirmed she is advanced).
school have basically said that as dd is a perfectionist and also has a huge fear of faliure and wont even entertain doing anything she wont be good at that they are going to just teach her at the same level as the 'top group',in other words at a level she was at about 2 years ago!!!!
surely dd needs to progress? and learn that she isnt always going to be good at everything?
dd is also a real intovert and has no interest in putting her hand up or making herself stand out in any way at all,also if she is given something which is too easy she just turns off or gets it wrong on purpose and has no interest in pleasing her teachers in any way,shape or form!(her teacher has confirmed this)
what angers me further is the bright/vocal/extrovert children seem to be the ones who are progressing and being given opportunites,i believe this is because they are easier to teach and because my dd is harder work she is seen as being a problem! Its just really upsetting me that she is just left to stagnate because of her personality!her teacher even said to me that "her reading is at really high level already you know",what so shall we just leave her there then as its so high?never mind that she can read the books inside out and talk about them until the cows come home!
as you can probably tell from my post i'm really really fed up and am wondering if this is what the future of my dd's education is going to be like!!!

OP posts:
sadaboutschool · 12/05/2011 20:47

I should add at home dd is a little sponge who is so keen to learn and is a pleasure to be around.

OP posts:
squidgy12 · 13/05/2011 16:24

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sadaboutschool · 13/05/2011 21:26

thanks for your reply squidgy.
dd does do lots of playdates and swimming and dancing.
she has recently taken up piano too as i thought that might help with her perfectionism as well as stretch her a bit.
The whole school issue is really getting me down and i cant see it changingSad

OP posts:
squidgy12 · 13/05/2011 23:51

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WobblyWidgetOnTheScooper · 14/05/2011 08:28

Can you homeschool?

emy72 · 14/05/2011 09:05

Hi there,
I felt the need to respond as you sound so like me, my DD1 is in Y1 now but nothing has changed and we had exactly the same comments and still get them now. Thing is my DD1 was terribly shy as a toddler and we did everything with her; ballet, tap, drama, swimming, she even did modelling once, we regularly travel, anything really you can think of she's done.

She also has siblings and is very sociable, and to a certain extent she is a little better now she's a bit more mature, but tbh she will never be an extrovert. She will never stand up in front of the class and speak, she will not go to the teacher if she sees they are busy and I do worry sometimes that she spends a whole day without speaking to an adult.

My DD has also picked up the piano and she loves it as I feel that it is indeed the only area she feels stretched in and gets some real drive and enjoyment out of. I think this is the best thing we've done for her.

This year has been particularly negative for her - she's done a hell of a lot of colouring in at school, which infuriates me when I think all that talent/intelligence is going to waste. I can't think once occasion where I've seen something stretching coming home. I don't have an answer tbh, I just feel a lot of empathy for your situation.

sadaboutschool · 14/05/2011 09:44

thanks emy,i'm sorry for your situation, but at the same time its good to know i'm not on my own iyswim.
thanks again

OP posts:
MonkeeMummy · 15/05/2011 15:26

Hi, I hear your frustration about school, particularly year R. The first couple of years of school were literally treading water for our DD as they simply confirmed that she knew all the stuff that she learned before she turned 4. I was worried about her being bored, so we just made sure that she was challenged at home and maintained her interests in science and maths. I also made sure she had plenty of books to read and basically did my own reading program... (She's is off to the Juniors next year and they have a gifted program, which I know she'll love... so it was worth the wait.)

I was incredibly frustrated, at the time, that the schook didn't put her on a gifted advancement program even though they kept telling us how clever she was. However, one thing the school did do was give our daughter lots of sessions with an ELSA (emotional literacy support assistant) and this helped overcome her 'fear' of failure and refusing to do anything she didn't immediately find easy (for her, it was writing). The ELSA really helped her integrate into school, make friends and find her place within the class.

Lots of highly intelligent/intellectually mature children can be socially immature or find it difficult to mix with their peers. Our daughter is an introvert and just found it hard to be with that many people for so long. One-on-one with her ELSA was brilliant and to be honest did her more good than any school advancement program. She still won't put her hand up when she knows the answers; she just doesn't care about that stuff BUT, more importantly she does feel comfortable at school and enjoys her time there.

Wished I got this earlier, because it would have saved me quite a lot of frustration over the last couple of years.

lljkk · 16/05/2011 10:51

It's great that when a child is so capable at academics. That means she can relax on that front and have more energy to work on other issues.... like, risking failure, tolerating being the centre of attention, being willing to assert herself. Something like Rainbows could help a lot. Also, being so bright herself, she may not be tolerant of others who are less able, it's another skill she may need to work on.

I suggest.... on The fear of failure thing.. you could model the best response yourself. Try to do things that are difficult, let yourself be seen to fail or struggle, bumble a bit but keep trying anyway without being upset at slow progress. It would be very helpful if you and she do some things that are fun but you aren't much good at (like ....playing tennis?). Something where you can both laugh about being rubbish at it but keep doing it anyway. Not everything in life is about progress or success.

I don't know why you're bothered about her not being pushed at school on the academic front, it sounds like she has heaps of other things to work on. Once she knows that it's okay to fail or be mediocre, her confidence will come on in leaps and bounds, she will come on so much better in everything else. Only then will she start to feel more confident about speaking out in class, etc., and really be able to flourish.

DD was a bright but silent mouse at school until they moved her to another class at start of Y2, specifically to put her with another very bright child but also because she was dominated by some in her social circle, had become too emotionally dependent on them. When she made new friends in the new class, she took off emotionally and intellectually. One of her new y2 best friends is not esp. bright, but has the best possible attitude about failure, rarely bothered by it. Has been enormously positive example for DD.

GooseyLoosey · 16/05/2011 10:59

Can I offer you the benefit of my experience.

Ds has been assessed as profoundly gifted and is about 7 years ahead of his peers across the board. He has an IQ of 157. He is 8.

Do not worry about what your dd is learning at school. Do not worry if they stretch her intellectually or if she is reaching her full potential. Above all, do not project your anxieties and fears on to her

The focus should be on ensuring that she is happy for now and only that. You will find that she is happier with much less than you think she needs.

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