Info for Goosey Loosey

[rabbitstew]

Hi, Goosey Loosey,

I said I would let you know if I got any helpful advice from my ds1's psychologist on how to help him make friendships and fit in at school, etc. In his case, it seems, whilst he has no problems at all understanding peoples' gestures and facial expressions, has a fantastic imagination and lovely sense of humour, he has trouble understanding the reasons for their moods - ie why they are cross, or sad, or laughing at him. That makes him scared to approach other children, because he has little idea how they will react or why they will react in that way, so finds them a bit threatening. Fortunately, he has actually been extremely happy at school this year as he does have a little friend, but I guess it means the work that needs to be done is an awful lot of talking through why children behave the way they do and what their reasons may be, so that he can have an armoury of information to help him understand other peoples' perspectives! In his case, the problem is severe enough that, eg if a car crashes, his immediate reaction will be to worry about the poor car being hurt, without going on to think about the people inside it and how they might have felt!!!!! He has learnt how to show his concern for some peoples' feelings though - mainly his parents, with whom he feels safe, so is quite happy to worry for our benefit as to whether we would, eg, like to share his sweets!

We haven't had the formal report, yet, but thought I would pass this on, in case you think there are any similarities there with your ds and his problems, albeit I doubt they would be quite on the scale of my ds1's. I think this issue of my ds1's is far more important to deal with at this stage in his life than his intellectual stretching, albeit it would be lovely if he could have his academic needs and interests met at the same time. His academic needs, I think, will become far more important by secondary school age than they are, now, but that's my personal opinion and based on the fact that he appears to be quite happy at the moment not being academically stretched!

Thanks so much for this - haven't been around too muchn lately so it has taken me a while to find it.

What you say sounds a little like my ds, but on a great scale. I think ds has learned a little what he is supposed to say and feel - so in the car crash example - he would know the correct response, even if it was not actually what he felt.

Would be interested to hear what strategies are suggested to deal with it.

I agree that early on the social side is far more important that the accademic, although in the last few months I am worring about the possibility that ds will disengage with school as he says he spends his days learning nothing. Hey ho.

ps we were also given the "have you considered private education" line, too... If ds1 were currently very depressed and unhappy, I would consider this, tbh - my dh had a similar profile as a little boy and benefited from full scholarships to very good prep and public schools from the age of 6 (even though the prep school in question had never offered scholarships to children that young before), resulting in very little cost actually being borne by his parents, who could not otherwise have afforded to take this route. We have even been given the name of a school that is considered very good at dealing with gifted oddities like my ds1! Luckily for us, I think ds1's local state school is actually just right for him at this stage in his development, even if they are having a hard time working out how to serve him best at the moment! He hugely values being known and liked by local children, even if he doesn't have many genuine friendships.

I will pass on any strategies that come our way!

(or should I say pre-prep? I don't really understand how it all works before the age of 8 if it's actually all part of the same school... or indeed whether prep school actually starts at 8, or when it finishes... state educated myself, I'm afraid...).

I think ds is just coming to the point where he has friendships he values at the local school (although I am not sure of the extent to which they are reciprocated).

We too have been suggested a good local school but my feeling is that it is fairly pushy and I'm not sure that that is what I want for my children.

Oh, GooseyLoosey, you sound like me!

I don't think I ever suffered from my rather unacademic primary level education, even if I didn't feel like the most popular person in the school! There is plenty of time to catch up academically if you are already gifted in that area, but problems early on with social skills are harder to recover from, imo, so a warm school environment where understanding and tolerance of others are fostered is vital. Also, at least one friend!...

I kind of think that I don't really know one child who benefitted from being pushed accademically in terms of how happy they are as adults. I realise this is just my perception but it does influence increasingly the way I have decided to deal with ds - the social stuff is so much more important as is the sense that he is just a normal child.