Advice please

[Doigthebountyeater]

Hi everyone, DS is not 'gifted and talented' as such but I thought this would be the best place to get some advice.

DS has just started reception in Sept but is struggling to fit in to his state primary (in an underpriviledged area). He is a little 'nerdish' if you know what I mean - can talk very well about physics/science but finds it hard to mix with 4 year olds who don't share his interests. He has made one friend who is similar but not quite on his wave length either.

Another problem DS is having is that he keeps telling me he 'isn't learning anything' which he is quite stressed about. This isn't actually true as he needs to learn social skills plus his writing is very average. The main problem is that he is a very good reader (could read simple books from 2.5). I'm not sure what level he is at but he is reading a lot of Enid Blyton and Mr Gum these days as well as technical books. Also his numeracy skills (self taught as I hate maths!) and his knowledge of scince are also very above average. He finds the classwork (mainly phonics and counting games)uninteresting and is frustrated that he isn't learning anything (in his eyes).

I spoke to his teacher on parent's evening and she basically said she thought he was 'fine' and they would put him on a much higher level of reading book. That's it really. She also said he often isn't listening to her when she is talking but dreaming instead.

So, essentially, he is finding school boring and lonely. He cries and begs us not to send him and has started developing 'pains' in the morning. I am sad that someone so academically inclined is finding school such a disappointment - I was sure he'd love it. Also I don't want him to be unhappy. I don't really want to home educate him as I think he needs the social skills plus I was planning to go back to work in three years.

Any suggestions? We couldn't afford to send him to a private school just now so I don't feel we have many options.

Definitely make an appointment to talk to the teacher.
Is he getting the idea it's boring from someone?
It's a shame that he feels that way as no matter what intellectual level you're on (within reason) a four year old should find something interesting in all the fun stuff they do in reception.

I wouldn't panic just yet, your child will fit in, might take some time, but there will be some other children that will be his friends.

Regarding the work, if you feel that he is not being stretched enough and that the teacher doesn't listen then talk to another school figure i.e. deputy if you can.

Do some extra work at home if you are concerned. Day-dreaming isn't a worry, sometimes they do switch off and don't find that certain subjects don't interest them. They can't be good in all subjects.

He should settle down soon.

Could you get him into any after school activities, try to invite lots of friends around, try to make him as sociable as possible, go to playground right after school, so that school becomes that fun place where he gets to see his friends?

Many good prep schools offer scholarships for academically gifted kids at 7 years old. In 3 years you have plenty of time to do one of several things. You could home ed for three years, convince the school to offer provission suited to his needs or offer more learning opps at home after school.

I day dreamed all the way through primary school. Unfortunately for us my DS wouldn't and we faced a long loosing battle to get the school to make provission for him.

That's a shame your DS feels like that. Does he not like playing 'normal' games even at home?

I think you need to find a way of approaching the teacher about ways of increasing his motivation without getting her back up and appearing pushy.

You said he's having pains in the morning - anxiety?
Something to speak to the GP about, especially if it gets worse.

Could you have a look for a different school which will cater to his needs?
Not especially a private school, just one around, if a little further away.
Or perhaps homeschooling for two years or so? I know you said you don't want to do this, but if you could find another way to adress him learning social skills (a club of some sort?) that also may be worth considering.

I think it could be worth looking into homeschooling btw, it's hardly a crazy idea as lots of countries don't introduce formal school at this age any way. See if he likes the idea of mummy helping him learn what he chooses. There's lots of other ways to socialise.

Thanks very much for your replies and ideas. Home schooling is very tempting, at least for a couple of years. I have also had a look at a few prep schools websites. Unfortunately I don't think we could afford it. We have money (in theory) but not in reality IYSWIM! I will give the school until the end of this year to show that they can offer him lessons which will extend him, just in case these are just teething troubles. I'll let you know how we get on.

Sounds like a good plan as it's early days really. Did he go to preschool and enjoy it?

If you told him "let's give it a few more weeks" would he be happy with it or is he utterly miserable?

He didn't go to preschool or nursery but really has always been very confident and outgoing. Not clingy at all. This morning I had a 25 minute walk to school with him where he was screaming and crying all the way

Oh poor lad :(

Out of interest why didn't he go to preschool?

I felt that preschool wouldn't suit him. He likes getting on with his own 'projects' and I always arranged playdates etc for him. When he was younger he went to toddler groups etc so I always felt he was fine for socialising and that he'd be ready for school at age 4 (nearly 5).

If this morning stuff continues, I think I'll have to speak to the teacher. Also he came home (again)with scratches all over his forehead that his 'friend' did with his nails.

Ah I see. Well homeschooling is probably worth a good think then. Sounds like he's a really self motivated boy, it'd be a shame if school drummed that out of him!

I think home education would suit him but I really need to be back in work in 3 years' time as it is the only way we can afford to move out of our too-small house. Also where we'd be moving to is a grammar school LEA so well worth it for his (and his brother's futures). I want him to be happy and fulfilled but I also have an obligation to meet the needs of the whole family too. I am worried that home edding for 3 years would just be delaying the inevitable. Also, it might drive me up the wall having no peace at all! (I also have a high maintenance one year old who never sleeps!)

Valid concerns but lots of people homeschool for the first few years and then send their kids to school after with no trouble. You should ask these questions on the home ed board :)

Cheers Freudian. I shall think more about this!

There could be an issue with being at school all day and missing you - which he'll express as "boring" as many 4 year old do when they don't like something. Worth looking into that.

Maybe the friends' thing is also an issue - might be worth inviting some friends' home for playdates, it is also an opportunity to chat with other mums to see what's happening - whether there's a bit of rough and tumble in the playground for example.

Stimulation should not be a huge problem for a 4 year old in reception, if it is a good school there should be plenty there -although I have different experiences of this with my kids.

My DD1, bright girl, December born, very mature/grown up for her age, never loved nursery or reception, much better now in Y1.

My DS1, super bright, although August born and quite young in many ways, LOVES reception and gets engrossed with everything. The whole reception experience seems just tailor made for him, even though academically he is much further ahead, this doesn't seem to spoil it for him.

Hope you get to the bottom of it....

I agree many people home ed for a few years whilst their children are very young. You mention that your son enjoys his own projects, he would be ideally suited to home ed. If he taught himself to read at 2.5, is is probably exceptionally gifted.

In 3 yrs he would not only have learnt a great deal more than he might in school, but he will have matured socially and emotionally too. Children need to grow from a secure base where they feel valued and safe, later they become more resilient and better able to cope with differences.

I tried for 3 yrs to make state ed work for gifted son aged 9. In retrospect I know I should have listened to him when he said he was bored and wanted to be at home.Took him out in June from yr 4 after his teacher said his maths was above average but no provission would be made. I knew her assessment was wrong and I am proven right, he is now taking his IGCSE.

Listen to your son, he's a bright bunny!

Thnaks. Bless him, he's off to school today with a physics book and a notebook and pencil so he can think about circuits (all his own idea). Because he feels he can do this in free play time, he's actually been reasonably easy to get to school today. His face was scratched again yesterday so will speak to his teacher after school today to stop this happening to him.

Hi Doig,

I would say if your child is at that age off to school to think about circuits he is most certainly gifted!.. Our child is bright and stands out in the class but we dont think gifted and your boy seems much much brighter (reading technical books wow). We sent our lad to Montessori for the year prior to school and this changed him from a moody depressed, bored child to one who saw the potential in the world. I would say it might just take him a few more weeks to settle. R (ours) has taken to extended lessons he finds to easy at school and perhaps you can talk to the teachers about letting him do this. For example, all the kids had to do some drawing and answers some questions, he was done very quickly and then turned his attention to making jupiter in the sandpit, he then persuaded three other children to make the rest of the planets and put them all in order. All i am saying is that with a little more confidence things may move on quickly.

My son went to school in France from age 2 and a half, had to, to learn french. Ecole Maternelle he enjoyed, although real school there doesn't start till age 6 (he was nearly six as his birthday is October). They had done pre reading work, and the moment he got into CP he was off, reading voraciously in both english and french, having previously shown NO willingness to read himself.
He preferred text books from the off, encyclopaedias etc, astronomy books and the like.

But the school, a small rural one with only four classes from 2 to 11, did not stretch him and he was bored rigid. Stared out of the window, wouldn't do the easy work, finished the harder stuff first, avoided cleverly the extension work so he could day dream. Not a very motivating atmosphere, conducive of encouraging a bright child to progress faster than the rest, I can tell you.
Finally we took him out two years ago and he has never looked back, racing ahead in all subjects.
His favourite subject in science has always been particle physics, which, luckily, bigbrother knows about, doing a physics degree, as it is beyond me. Left me miles behind on that.
Level 8 for maths now.
Reads novels now not just text books, thank goodness.