When G&T is a problem

[GooseyLoosey]

I have posted for years about behavioural problems that my son has which isolate him from his peers. He is never invited to play or to birthday parties and is picked on. On the other hand, his peers perceive him as overwhelming and agressive (not in a particularly physical way though). We have been trying to get him support to develop better social skills.

At 7 he has just been assessed by an ed psych. The expectation of all concerned was that there would be indications that he has an ASD and we could deal with it from there.

The ed psych's report says that he is an extraodinarily intelligent child, scoring in the top centile for all cognitive skills. Apparently his lack of social skills are down to this.

The recommendation is not that he is supported where he has a weakness, but that he is accelerated through school.

I was not prepared for this and tbh, acceleration sounds like a terrible idea to me and will not address the things which are making him unhappy. How will he interact any better with older children - especially when he is seen as the geeky nerdy kid.

I don't know what to do now so any help gratefully received. I had just reached the point where I could talk to people in RL about his behavioural problems and it was having a positive impact. How do I say to people in RL "don't worry - my child is just smarter than yours" (clearly I can't and wouldn't want to) - I can't talk to anyone about this now.

I would go back to school (actually if you paid for the ED Psych I would be furious and ask them for advice on how you are going to cope with the school system as it is), and find out their recommendations. Children with ASD can be highly intelligent and an Ed Psych cannot necessarily diagnose ASD, so do you have a Paediatrician looking at him?

I once paid for an OT report, which basically said my son had no physical problems and couldn't suggest any way we could help him write. It was as much use as a chocolate teapot, which this reports also seems to be.

I would ignore it to some extent, and continue as before. Try to explain the rules of life to your son. If he is so intelligent, then he should be able to understand and respond. So challenge him on his behaviour. Ask him if he wants to have freinds? And converse with him, pointing out how other people feel. IF he is ASD not just very intelligent I think the huge gaps will become blindingly obvious.

Good luck!

Thanks - I do feel quite angry actually. The ed psych said that he could not be conclusive about an ASD but saw no indications of ASD type behaviour. So I kind of feel that I am left with nothing to do to help my son. The very last thind he needs is to be told that he is really clever - that will improve his relationships with his peers no end!!

Hadn't thought of going to a Paediatrician.

How did you get to see the Ed Psych? Have you been through your GP? That is the best route to get a proper (multi-agency) ASD diagnosis, the SEN boards might be more use here.

Good luck!

GP and school were involved, but as everyone was umming and ahhing about what to do and problems were mounting, we went for a private assessment. Seemed like a good idea at the time.

Have always sought help from the lovely welcoming ladies on the SN boards but now feel that I have no legitimate basis to take up their time. I should just be thinking "great" rather than "that's no help".

I think you should phone the NAGC helpline and ask about 1. Dual exceptionality and 2. traits of giftedness that can sometimes be confusing/confused with other conditions.
You may also find the book "Misdiagnosis and dual diagnosis of gifted children and adults" helpful.

Hi Gooseyloosey,
You mention that his peers find him overwhelming. Can I ask if he is bossy and impatient with his peers.
My DS 9yrs has very similar traits. From the first week in primary his teacher stated that he was bossy, devised complicated rules for games, was impatient with less able children and very keen to push his objectives.
He had been assesed before school as being at least three years ahead, (addition in trebbel digits etc at 2!) He has always prefered adult company, small groups and at times he has been bullied at school. I am now home educating him, he couldn't be happier. His social skills are fine with adults but he has no understanding of the motivations of his peers!
The school really couldn't meet his needs academically or socially, he even lost respect for his teacher claiming her maths was appalling.
I have never had him assessed because I firmly beleive in acceptance, we are all different, we might have a few obvious ASD traits along with a few gifted traits, but that maketh the person he is.
I wouldn't jump on the idea of moving up in school but try to meet his social and academic needs by offering plenty of special interest/opportunities at home. Private tutors, talks, join a special interest group, see if you can find activities for him where he can mix with more able/older children. This way you can see if his differences and social skills are really lacking.

Mini - bossy and complicated rules are him to a tee - he can have dozens of rules for the simplest game. He gets frustrated when people don't go along with them and as you say, has no idea why. He does not really get what is appropriate and what is not and is loud and very large (also on 99th centile for height) - I think he intimidates the other children. He gets on well with adults and is a great quirky child with them rather than the obnoxious thug other children and parents see.

The ed psych suggested he should be working about 6 years ahead of his age. This is just plain daft and have no intention of acting on it. The only reason for the assessment was so that we could work out what positive steps we could take to support his social skills and use the report to get the school to support us - acceleration would just make the social problems worse. I was pushed up a year as a child and it was not a happy experience.

Lili - will have a look at those things.

Hi,

I would second the NAGC helpline- they are the only ones who have kept me going sometimes. Checkout the website too - lots of leaflets etc.
From personal experience I would book an appointment with one of their specialists and tell them everything. I know exactly how you feel when you say you can't talk to many people now - yes, it should be a good (great) thing to be that bright but it brings major complications which most people don't, won't or can't see. See if NAGC do any local outings too - my lad really enjoys them and it might help to talk to other parents who've also had difficulties. He can mix with kids of all ages. My boy always got on with adults and older kids - they have to wait for their peers to catch them up.
In Year 2 I was told by school my boy may have AS tendancies. We were shocked and hid for a year. He still wasn't happy so eventually went through the GP who sent me to the nurse to check my parenting skills !!!!!!! Then went through school and had multi-agency assessment. In summer hols of Year 6 (yes - 6) was finally told that the problem was that he was bright so everything's ok & they didn't need to see him again !!!
When I think about it I am SO ANGRY. His whole school life has been a trauma for him one way & another. He's been bullied too and has far less self esteem than he did have years ago and majorly underachieves. He was fired up to go to senior school, hungry to learn but they handled him all wrongly and now he is totally demotivated and just does the bare minimum. What a waste.
Despite the paediatrician & multi-agency involvement we still didn't get to the bottom of it all (especially re school) so we paid for an Ed Psych assessment which finally showed (Year 8) he was moderately dyslexic. At last ! Made sense ! He's twice exceptional - bright (95% GCA) also with a SLD. School really don't understand him and just think he's "average" which is exactly what he ISN'T so he gets very angry and frustrated at home which causes many problems. He has become very negative and I am quite worried about him.
I'm afraid I think the system stinks (you may be able to tell that !).
I wonder what he could have achieved with proper support from Year 2 ? He says he puts a "mask" on now to go to school. Makes me so sad.
Sorry about the long post but it's nothing to what I could say !

It won't help him in the long run to do nothing. His happiness is the most important thing - talk to NAGC.