Struggling to ask for help in RL

[Momdeguerre]

I was anorexic from 14 to 23 but have been 'recovered' since then.

Since the birth of my second child 12 weeks ago I can feel it returning. So far I am three stone down and all I feel is relief. I know it is gripping me tighter every day but it feels so easy and familiar.

Anorexia killed my uncle, plagues my mother and I know I should ask for help but I can't. I want someone to notice but I can't help but hide it. My maternity clothes seen to disguise the weight loss and my bmi is still above 19 so I feel justified in continuing.

I can't stop and I won't ask for help. I feel trapped and exhilarated by my secret and I have no idea where this will go next.

I don't really know what to recommend, Momdeguerre but just want to wish you well. Keeping my fingers crossed that there is someone out there who has can help.

You have already told us and asked for our help and you know you have positive support here - for the sake of your children you now just need to take a baby step on to telling someone else.

Do you think some online support initially would give you the strength to go and ask for some RL help ? Beat is supposed to be good.

Would you be able to say to your HV that you feel a bit down, rather than that your ED has returned ? Might be an easier way to get yourself the help you need ?

Do you have a partner? Becasue they will notice eventually. They may even have already, just don't know how to bring it up.
You say recovered in commas. I don't believe you ever recover, based on my experience it's something you have to live with and actively fight off every day. Have you considered PND having brought this latest episode on? After my second was born I developed terrible PND and anxiety and my way of dealing with it was to stop eating again. And I can see the 'logic' of it as a coping mechanism, as it becomes all-consuming, you focus all your attention on food to stop you having to think about all the other things.
Beat have been mentioned. They are great. But do mention it to your GP. WHen I finally plucked up the courage to go, he could already tell I'd lost significant amounts of weight since he'd last seen me and was a brilliant help. I ended up with CBT, which I know doesn't work for everyone, and anti anxiety pills. I still struggle, and tbh I do eat less than most people would, but I have it under control. The 'exhilirated' feeling you have is a classic symptom of starvation, and inside, you know you need to ask for help.

Had not seen beat before - thank you, I will look.

I don't consider that I ever recovered. I was classed as in recovery as I maintained a normal bmi. The feelings of self loathing never go.

Pnd - maybe? I'm not sure. As is common of anorexics I am a bit of a Type A personality anyway. I find it hard to identify if I am stressed.

My children are fab. Ds1 is 23 months, ds2 12 weeks. I had a more difficult pg and a cs followed by DS being in special care with some breathing difficulties but he has made a total recovery and is a lovely little boy.

DH is fab but a bit clueless. He knows I was once ill and that my uncle died but he does not seem to make any connection between that and my current weight loss. He is easily convinced that I have just been busy with boys.

I know I should seek help but a part of me is relishing the challenge and rather enjoying my little secret. I know. I am sick and selfish and disgusting but I can't stop.

I think you're being very brave and honest to in your last paragraph .
Think of your kids ,what sort of role model you will be ,you can't want them to suffer as you do ?
You need help .

Selfish and disgusting you are not. Sick, yes, but as much as it feels like a disease of your own doing, your pride in not eating and a real feelign that you have achieved somehting, there comes a point, which you probably know, where the diesease controls you. You deserve help. And I think you know you need it.

I do know I am wrong. I don't want to be ill. I wanted to post on here because I hope that if I can admit that I know I am ill again it will help me to tell someone in real life.

I know the consequences. Two years ago this week my dear uncle died aged just 50. He had been anorexic for 30 years. Years of critical lows and near death incidents before his body finally gave up. My mother is still ill and I am certain that, as her eldest daughter, I am ill because she is ill.

My gorgeous sons do not deserve to have my sickness influencing their lives but at the moment I feel I am drowning in it. Suffocating.

I hope I get caught.