friend has cancer recurrence

[worriedaboutfriend]

Hi, I'm a regular but have name changed for this (not sure why, but I thought it was appropriate for some reason). A good friend of mine has just discovered her breast cancer- which she had successful treatment for 6 years ago or so- came back. It's a 'regional recurrence' & they're doing tests now to see what's what. To make things much much worse though, she's 16/17 weeks pregnant with her 2nd child . She already has a toddler. This is a much desired pregnancy & from what I understand she'll have no option but to terminate. Which is awful in itself.

I just would like to ask: what, in anyone's opinion who has gone through this, is the best way to be supportive? What should I say or what should I NOT say? I realize of course that all this is common sense up to a point, but because I don't have experience with cancer from other friends / family, I want to be able to offer good support & not create any additional problems to her in any unforeseen way.

She & I have a good relationship with a lot of talking/listening, very good communication, so I'm sure that'll be the main thing I can do: just listen.

But any specific advice to this situaiton would be much appreciated, as well as any names of cancer support forums where I potentially can get more info on her cancer & how I can support her etc.

hello worried -am very,very sorry to hear about your friend - it must be awful for her.
I can recommend a very good supportive thread on here which might be helpful and theBreast Cancer Care Forums would be good - will find them and link. Meanwhile,being a good friend is probably the best help-just listening and for her to know you're there...back in a tick...

tamoxifen thread
and
BCC forums

Thank you MaryAnnSingleton. I'll look around these to get ideas / knowledge about the situation.

I would say take your lead from her if she wants to talk, cry, be angry let her know you are there for her. She's got two kinds of grief to deal with here - her cancer returning, and the loss of her baby, she may well feel very angry and feel her body has let her down.(going from personal exp. - of course everyone is different in their feelings.)

Also any practical support - offering to look after her child while she has treatment, cooking a couple of freezer meals, a few cakes etc.,

Taking her out for a coffee/walk whatever - to occupy her mind - time goes slowly when you are waiting for test results.

Macmillan do a booklet called something like 'how to talk to people with cancer' which you might find helpful (you can find it on their website)

Best wishes to her - I'm very sorry to hear about her situation.

Okay, well I will just say something I'm not sure (through skimming the other posts) has been covered.

If, and this is a big if, her chances do not look good at some point, she is going to need to know her loved ones will be cared for and helped once she is gone.

At this stage it is obviously not clear which way it will go, and I hope this does not sound really insensitive, but if you can be a solid presence in her life and in their lives, particularly her child's life, then if the worst should happen one day, she will feel much better knowing that youare a familiar face to her child and husband, and will be there for them.

I would therefore say spending as much time as she wants you to, with her and/or her family, in any way you can. But obviously don't suggest that this is what you are thinking, you must wait for her to mention that if it does ever come up.

I really hope it doesn't. Lots of love x

remember though that a recurrence isn't secondary cancer -in that the initial bc has spread elsewhere - it is likely to be a completely new tumour not necessarily related to the first cancer..people have had recurrences and gone on to be ok without it going elsewhere -that's not to say it can't - I just think you don't want to jump ahead of yourself - just be there,she will know that you are a good friend.

Apologies, OP and Mary. The kind of cancer I have experience with is a bit different.

I am glad to hear it isn't as bad as I thought.

So sorry that your friend is in this terrible position,I have not got much to add, but you sound a good kind, caring friend,invaluable to her at a time like this.

Oh worriedaboutafriend, I wonder if I know you in RL because this is exactly the situation my friend is in at the moment .

I sent her this link which I found on an old thread on here. It seems that termination isn't a given during cancer treatment like it once was, although obviously it depends on the severity of the situation. There's been research, and a lot of positive stories about healthy babies being born when their mums had cancer treatment (surgery and chemotherapy) during pregnancy.

Whether or not we're talking about the same person, I think the best thing we can do for our friend(s) is to be there for her in whatever way she needs us. So it might be practical help she needs - making her food or cakes, looking after her DD, accompanying her to appointments, that sort of thing, or taking her out to help take her mind off the hideousness of it all. Looking up information on the internet for her, as I know she's keen to read as much as she can about it. Talking, listening, and not being afraid to show our emotions, or she might feel that she can't express hers.

Worried - I have nothing to add, except support. So sorry, but you sound very likely to do exactly the right things so don't worry. Threads MaryAnn sent you to are very good. Come and join us there if it will help (or tell your friend)

Cuppateajanice, it's a small world unfortunately when it comes to this kind of thing so it wouldn't surpise me if it's the same person...

good news is though, as you pointed out, that it seems pregnancies are not routinely terminated under such circumstances... So that's something very positive, that she's keeping the baby.

Hi worried, I think there's a good chance it is the same person as the specifics of her situation are identical.

Please do contact me directly (I think you can do that on Mumsnet?) if you want to talk (or at least see if our friends are the same person without putting details on a public forum). I'm pretty sure you're not a local friend as we were all at a birthday party when you started this thread, and I know it must be difficult to try and support her, and stay positive yourself, if you don't see her face to face regularly. Thankfully things are looking much brighter for her this week, and she seems much more positive .

Hi CuppaTeaJanice, I tried contacting you but couldn't do it as you probably haven't activated the 'contact poster' thingie on MN. If you want you can try contacting me directly (use 'contact poster' next to my name) as I've activated my 'contact poster' service (don't remember what it's called sorry!!) Looking forward to hearing from you xx