Eating disorders - advice please

[feelingpositivemum]

I've posted this in child health but thought I would here too as it's relevant to general health too.

My DD has been referred to CAMHS this morning as she is becoming more and more controlling over her food, she is losing weight and sounding more and more troubled about her diet.

She is not restricting her food to lose weight, she has always been skinny, but to gain some control in her life. (Her words)

I split up from her father last September and it started from then really. It's been a very slow and subtle change so we've only just really noticed it's becoming a problem.

She is really receptive to help, she wants to talk and she 'talks the talk' but as she says, she knows she needs to eat but her head won't let her.

I am utterly terrified, she's such a gorgeous, sensible, level headed girl and to hear her talk she sounds so different.

Sorry for long post, i was just trying to tap into some experts here. Do I try and encourage her to eat more, how far do I push it, do I let her take complete control or do I keep control of her diet if only to keep her weight up.

She wants control but if that is not eating enough do I take over?

What age is she?

She's 13. She said to me this evening, I would like to eat more but don't expect me to go back to how I was before, then I will feel out of control. I need to feel in control.

It's so hard. Some programmes you see really force their patients to eat, I'm not sure what the right approach is.

Sorry I have no experience but just wanted to acknowledge your post and send a hug as I know from friends that this can be a very difficult and distressing problem. Its good that she's been referred and I think you'll be offered advice too.

It is a horrible thing and all consumming.
In my experience you need to get someone that she can work with to help.Do shop around.

I struggled alot when I was 13 - 21 (I was training to be a ballet dancer which didn't help) but to give you some confidence I am now completley free from any sort of eatting disorder.

I went to a lovely motherly woman in London who let me talk and then did relaxation/hypnosis and then explored ideas.The one that heped me the most and was the turning point for me was when she got me to visiulise my eatting disorder.It looked like a poor pathetic monster.She told me to love the monster and to take care of it.

Please get her the right help some eatting disorder units are very hard and can actually encourage the illness.If you can I would try and get her help on an individual basis.

Stay as close to her as possible.Try and distract her brain.Could you take up a new hobby with her ?

Could she focus on health more.Eatting for health.

Good luck.

I am on the October 09 post natal thread if you need to find me.

Hugs to you and her.

Ah fidelma, thank you for that lovely encouraging post. And lovely that you are on the post natal thread, congratulations and I'm so happy you are free from a disorder now.

That is great advice, I will see how camhs are in our area, I have heard some great things from it, but I will keep an eye on their strategy.

I was also going to ask a lovely friend of mine who is a reflexologist to take some time with her, she is very gentle, kind and you do tend to just tell all to her!

At the moment she is fine eating fruit so maybe I will build on that. She is happy to have fruit and smoothie in the morning so I will plug that!

Very interesting about the monster, I will think about that further. Many thanks, xx

That all sounds positive.You reflexologist sounds perfect.

You sound like you have a good handle on the situation.I hope this passes soon for you all.

She will be blossoming into a beautiful young woman and that can be very scarey for some.I hope that she can embrace this special time.

I'm finding this thread utterly heartbreaking, and I've namechanged only because I'm worried I might get recognised IRL for this. I hear so much love in everything you write, and yet you and your DD sound so sad.

Whereas you evidently really want to understand and respect your DD's need for control - anorexia will NEVER provide the control she craves.

As a rough rule of thumb, the longer you've had problems with food, the longer and the slower and more difficult and gradual the recovery. So I would suggest that you try to explain to her the need to tackle this now before it escalates.

And the longer you've had anorexia, the greater the chances of medical problems as a result. Like fidelma, I thought I was recovered - and against all odds, I was pregnant. And then I was diagnosed with a potentially life-threatening and almost certainly life-limiting illness that is almost certainly a legacy of my problems with food. And really, I was never especially thin - my BMI was always higher than Posh Spice, Nicole Ritchie and most celeb models. So I'd suggest you explain to her that this could affect her forever.

But in terms of how you handle this now, could you find some activites which give you time together and build her confidence and self-esteem. I don't know if she's outdoorsy, but things like riding and climbing involve a lot of physical self-discipline and require real energy intake. I would let CAMHS deal with the practicalities of her eating and focus on strengthening your relationship so that she can feel comfortable confiding in you.

It's a real whammy when you realise you can't control what your parents do or who they are. Are there other parts of your dd's life that she can change and feel belong to her? It is good in some ways that she realises that her eating habits are about control. I hope she manages to gain confidence in her other abilities rather than getting thinner. It may help you to get support too. The B-Eat website has lots of good advice. it used to be the EDA.

Onlinebookworm I am sorry for your ilness and I hope that you are coping.You have given some great advice.Confidence and self-esteem are key.

I agree that the longer you have anorexia the harder it is to get rid of.many people just have to live with it.

But I do want to emphasise to Feelingpositive I am completely free from all eatting disorders.I am strong,fairly fit and have a very healthy relationship with food.I am 36 and I have 4 beautiful healthy children.

Thankyou fidelma, that is lovely and very encouraging to hear.

We have been talking a lot and this morning she said that she is reluctant to start putting weight on in case CAMHs say she is getting better and won't help her. She wants to maintain her poor weight so that they will help her and make sure it doesn't happen again. She worries it will unless they help her now.

When I was at school, there was some confusion between anorexia and TB. We used to equate anorexia with people hovering around a bedside and looking after the sick person while they got thinner and thinner and faded away. So... being very thin meant you got lots of attention and were looked after.

Of course it's not really like that!

I don't think that people with EDs get abandoned. It would be shocking if they did. I too had eating problems for a very long time. I have now had 15 years completely clear of food issues, and I have recently had to face some uncomfortable truths about my body since I started making my own clothes! I am not the skinny minx I thought I was! Oh no! Too bad. There are bigger things to worry about, and it is far more important to realise what your body is capable of than to worry about what size it is. It is also really important to realise that no amount of dieting will be enough to make you disappear, unless death is an option.

Your daughter sounds as though she wants to live, and needs lots of support and lots of listening to build up her confidence. I hope she has to CAMH her worries. You sound as though you are both working through this together. That will be a great reassurance to your dd in the long run.

Ah, thank you silentcatastrophe (little weep), I really feel today like she is desperate for help and that can only be a good thing I think.

I have nothing to add to some of the excellent posts above except to emphasise how important it is to keep your relationship with your daughter. It sounds as though you are very close and I think this will be so helpful in her recovery.
Good Luck

How is it going Feelingpositive