Intimate surgery affecting sex life...

[AlternativeName]

Have name changed as am a bit

In brief:

I have been having abnormal cells show up on smears and so have been having treatment to get rid of them. That treatment has resulted in me needing more treatment on the damage caused to my cerivx. Damage that can be irritated (and make me bleed) by having sex, although I have been told that it's not dangerous.

I had another colposcopy last week and since then had my period. Night before last we went to bed, bit of foreplay, all fine, but then when we started to have sex I freaked out, all I could think of was the doctor clipping bits out of my cervix. I burst into tears.

I'm now terrified if we try again the same will happen. How do I overcome this? I'm due for some more treatment soon and feel like it's just going to get worse

Any advice greatly appreciated...

Anybody there... or is everyone out in the sunshine?

You poor thing! It might be best to lay off the naughty activities for a while until your cervix and emotional state is a little less tender!

I've often found that homeopathy can really help in this sort of phyiscal/emotional state

Why not try that?

I think it is quite normal to have negative/anti-sexual feelings about your body when it has been "invaded" by procedures.
I was very very wary of having sex after 2 ops to repair prolapse. I was worried it might all come undone, but also felt the wrold and his wife had been in there looking and probing!

I'd give yourself time- it does get better.

Maybe decide NOT to have full sex for a month or two- and if in the meantime it happens at least you won't have put yourself under any pressure.

Talk to your husband and agree with him that you will not have pepentrative sex for the next 2 months but that you will remain physically intimate and explore non penetrative sex that you will still both enjoy.

Your DH may now be very nervous about initating or raising the subject at all so you need to do so. This is difficult for both of you.

Reassure him that every thing is still fine between you and that you still want to be physically intimate but want to take the pressure off yourself by setting penetrative sex to one side until all the procedures are over with. I am sure he will be very happy to agree.

Do talk to him ASAP though before it becomes a huge elephant in the room.

Hi, AlternativeName,

I agree with purplepeony that what you are feeling is completely normal and it will get better over time. I had similar feelings after my 2nd treatment for abnormal cells (which made me bleed constantly for 3 months and turned out to have been unnecessary). It also hugely put me off the thought of wearing tampons for a while and made me feel differently about my whole genital area - as though it was all a big potential problem, rather than any source of pleasure! All I can say is that I don't feel like that any more, and that the strength of feeling gradually fades once all the treatments are over and done with, so that you don't have your cervix constantly on your mind any more! I still feel a little bit tense when I'm due repeat smears, but certainly don't have a problem with sex or tampons any more!

My dh was very understanding and we just avoided penetrative sex for a while. Once I was ready to try penetrative sex again, at first I felt a bit clinical about it (like I was testing it out to see what symptoms it would cause rather than being properly involved in it), but once we'd started having sex without worrisome symptoms I relaxed about it all and started to feel normal again.

So my advice is not to be hard on yourself - your feelings are normal and will go away when the source of your anxiety (ongoing treatment on your cervix) is a little bit in the past.

Thank you all for replying...sorry I dissapeared, had to go out.

DP has such a high sex drive, I'm not sure how he'll cope without for such a long time!! I know there is other stuff we can do, but I've found myself clamming up every time he comes near, even if it's just for a kiss! Argh sounds so stupid! It's as if I just close down.

It's taken me by surprise really, I didn't feel like this after the first lot of smear/colposcopy/treatment.

I didn't feel upset after my first lot of treatment, either, it was the having to go back and be treated again that started up the cycle of worrying that it was something that would just keep coming back and that I was being disfigured internally. It did feel most odd to be bothered by an internal disfigurement. Mind you, I did always look at the camera images at my colposcopies, and my cervix is now pretty disfigured! The GP even commented on it during my last smear... But as I say, you really will stop worrying about it when all the treatments and colposcopies have stopped - it's not as if you will have an external visual reminder of the treatment.

If your dp had to have several procedures done on his penis that made it bleed, I'm sure that would have an effect on his sex drive, too!

Surely your dp will be understanding if you explain to him how frightened you are feeling at the moment about sex? Maybe you only clam up about kisses because you worry that letting him do that will lead him to expect more, whereas if you were both clear that kissing and cuddling doesn't lead to anything else unless you specifically indicate it's OK, then you will be able to enjoy that? It will take you longer to feel better about sex if you put too much pressure on yourself to perform for your dp, so his sex drive will only end up being frustrated for longer if you don't take it easy, now. And I don't know about you, but I feel that my sex drive is colossally higher when I'm ovulating (I'm not really interested in sex for the rest of the month, tbh!), so I'm better at ignoring any worries mid-cycle than I am straight after my period!

It gets me so mad when women say "my bloke won't cope, he has a high sex drive" like he is going to have a breakdown or something.

What about men who are single and don't want just quick casual shags?

What about men whose partners are ill?
I had an illness which meant that we didn't have penetrative sex for 10 years. My DH did not go mad- he was a saint.

If he puts you under pressure you will back off more- tell him that.