How do you begin to help someone that drinks excessively?

[kid]

I know alcoholism is an illness and that the first step is for the person to admit that they actually have a problem.

Is it enough that they admit they drink too much, or do they have to actually admit to being an alcoholic?

What can family members do to help? If the person suddenly starts to lose weight, is that a link to the alcohol?

This has been going on for years and years, but is getting worse. I just can't understand the extent of the damage to your body if you are drunk for 5 or 6 days constantly. I know it must be bad, but just what can family do?

I would appreciate any advice as we are unsure what to do. We have tried speaking to the person, but as we expected, they don't believe us or they don't want to believe us. They feel they have it under control.

There is actually nothing that you can do. Nothing.
You cannot control it, you cannot change it, you cannot stop it.
There are agencies, alonon for eg for families of those who abuse alcohol.

We have something similar going on in our family, it is gut wrenchingly frustrating to know that they are going to die at any time now, and that there is nothing you can do.

Oh dear. I don't think there is much you can do if they don't think there is a problem.

I have worked with people over the years who have drinking problems and the only ones who were able to overcome their difficulties and either cut down or abstain were the ones who recognised it was a problem.

Have you pointed out what the impact is on the family, their health etc?

If they still wont' budge then not sure what else you can do - motivation has to come from them.

Alcoholic is just a label tbh but you are right in thinking the damage is ongoing and probably life threatening if continues at high levels.

You could try some of the charities that support families where there is a problem drinker and ask their advice. Thinking of the ones attached to AA but there are usually local community alchol teams you could contact for advice.

Good luck.

What you can do is take care of yourself and any children who are living with the problem drinker. You can't make the person seek help or stop drinking if s/he refuses to see there is a problem - or simply doesn;t want to stop drinking.
Don't lend money, don't cover up for the person, keep as much distance as you can from him/her - S/he may well choose alcohol over everything else and decide to drink him/herself to death. That's a shame but it is his/her choice, and what you need to do is make sure no one else goes down with the alcoholic.

Thats exactly the case meatntattypie, they are going to die from all this alcohol and we can't do anything.

This person did take the first step by seeking medical advice, but it was forced on them (work related). They were given a questionnaire to complete about the amount of alcohol they drank, but they lied on the form so that case was closed and forgotten.

As you know, its so frustrating to sit back and be totally powerless.

Solid is right, you need to look after yourslf and any kids that may be asociated to the person.
That is all you can do.

Admitting you drink too much is definitely a start, but the only risk is that the temptation is to try cutting down. This will be both excruciating and impossible for the typical alcoholic.

BTW sorry to be pedantic but there are NO "charities that support families where there is a problem drinker [...] attached to AA" - AA is entirely independent and does not get into bed with anyone else.

But I'm sure that what the poster was getting at were groups like Al-Anon and Alateen, and maybe treatment centres who use the 12 steps of AA in their treatment. In which case, excellent idea.

There are no children being looked after directly by this person, but what about when they visit? As the problem is getting worse, even the younger childen are noticing its not normal behaviour and its embarrassing as well as sad.

Would you stop taking the children to visit or just be honest and explain that X is not well without going in to much detail?

MIFLAW - yes I did mean the charities you mention and I appreciate that AA is independent.

BTW - whether someone can cut down or not is debatable and depends how far you buy into the idea that alcoholism is an illness or not and that only abstaining will work. I have seen sucesses where individuals have reduced their drinking and maintained it - which can only be beneficial.

However I guess that's another debate.

Kid - depends on how old, can you explain that X is poorly? Kids know more than we think don't they so maybe just be honest with them. More lies about drinking hardly ever helps.

Alanon offer advice though on the website and give you some info about the illness.
They give local meetings as well for other family memebrs, that is support.

IDeas for you:

• make sure they have hefty life insurance if they have dependents

• try to get them to do a full medical as this may reveal serious organ damage which could be a wake up call before its all too late

• leave printed articles around about how intensive care units in hospitals nowadays are full of people in their 30's and 40's with liver failure (which is usually fatal) who drink as little as a bottle of wine a day. A bottle a day is 42 units a week, 3 times the safe drinking limit - so this is very much dangerous drinking even if it is not unusual for a lot of folk.

• if the drink causes problems at work this might be a wake up call as well

I wouldn't stop taking your kids to visit unless he/she is a danger to them, that seems a bit unecessary.

Depending on the kids' ages, it's probably best just to say that [alco] is poorly. Should the person become aggressive or inappropriate eg drunken weeping or declarations of love when drunk, though, it's probably better to reduce visits for the DC or cut them out altogether, as this is unnecessarily frightening for them (whereas someone who just staggers a bit is not too bad).

fifitot

I agree that people can and do cut down. But i would say they're not alcoholics, just people who drink too much. When I say alcoholic I mean someone who cannot control his or her drinking.

So just semantics, I guess.

MTP

I wasn't saying that AlAnon don't help - clearly they do - just that they are not attached to AA.

some really useful ideas, thanks. I knew I could count on MN!

Earthstar - the amount of alcohol in this case is probably close to 2 bottles of wine a day, for 4 or 5 days in a row and then nothing for a couple of days.

The ages of the children visiting range from 4 and 13, quite a difference in age but all are aware something is not right. The adults do not discuss the problem in front of the children so afaik, they aren't aware of what's wrong.

Kid

Insofar as quantities actually matter in diagnosing a problem, be aware that that is a HUGE amount - especially as it doesn't include the drinking "on the quiet" that he is almost certainly doing (pint or three at lunchtime, pint after work, "small" scotch and soda after you've gone to bed - more if he's started morning drinking or carrying a hip flask).

The stark reality of this situation is that an adult is breaking no laws if he/she wishes to spend all their days smashed out of their skull (assuming they don't then drive, or are disorderly in a public place etc).

I know that, from your point of view, you want to help them. He won't see it like that because he doesn't want to stop drinking and neither does he have to. You cannot impose your views of how someone else should live their life.

Please understand that I'm not coming at this from a libertarian, "people should be allowed to do what they want" thing. I'm coming at this as someone who has been in a long-term relationship with an alcoholic and who spent years trying to "help". You cannot help someone who sees your help as interference in their chosen lifestyle.

Instead, as others here have so eloquently and accurately said, what you can do is ensure that their drinking has as little effect on other people's lives as possible.

My personal opinion (and that of several professionals that I have had contact with) is that children who witness this kind of behaviour should be told the truth albeit in an age-appropriate way. The children will know that something strange is going on. If they feel that it's something that cannot be talked about then they won't feel able to ask questions or air their feelings about it. Moreover, if the drunk person behaves oddly towards a child then the child will tend to assume that it's the child's fault - you need to make sure that the children understand that the problem is with the drunk, not the child.

Thanks Snorbs. I think its important that we are honest with the children as we know what the problem is and know who is at fault, but children may not.

Our concern is that we will feel guilt for not trying to prevent this person from drinking themselves to death which we are certain will happen.

I personally am not effected by the drunk person as I live my own life and after witnessing what alcohol can do, I am a very sensible drinker and can never see myself going the same way.

We have an alcoholic in our family and are always completely open with our children about what's wrong with their aunt. Usually it's fine but I will now not go out to eat with the person concerned after a few very embarrassing and upsetting incidents while the children were present.

Awfully sad.

We try and support her grown-up children all we can. That's all we can do.

Kid: There is no need to feel guilt because NOTHING you and other people do will make a difference unless/until the alcoholic decides to seek help and stop drinking. It isn't anyone else's fault, it isn't because you once didn't kiss this person under the mistletoe, or someone else in the family broke their lego house or something. OK if someone in this person's childhood seriously abused him/her in the past then that person should be ashamed and indeed made to account for it, but that still wouldn't necessarily be the reason for the alcoholism. Alcoholics can come from safe and happy backgrounds as well as awful ones, we all are what we are and we are all different. But there is a limit to how much a person who is wrecking his or her own life can be allowed to wreck other people's lives.

Coming from the position of being an alcoholic (thankfully, now a recovering one) I fully endorse what Snorbs said. It was no one's fault I was an alcoholic - certain aspects of my life made it harder to spot than it might otherwise have been, but that didn't cause it. I just AM an alcoholic. If I drink again tomorrow I'll do it all over again, having learnt nothing.

Don't blame yourself. If you want to help, tell the person, "you've got a problem with alcohol" and refuse to back down or qualify your statement.

He won't believe you, but at least you won't be enabling him any more.

Then give him the phone number for AA (or something similar) and leave him to it.