So disgusted with myself :(

[OTTMummA]

Im not sure what i expect to gain from putting this out there, but here goes:

Im 25
Im 20st
I have in the last few days truely realised what i have done to my body and TBH im freaking out.
I can't believe what i look like!
Im so vile its untrue.
we bought a full length mirror friday, and i knew how much i weighed, and that i was obese, but seeing myself in all my glory has truely shocked and disgusted me.

Sad thing is i can't remember what my body used to look like last time i was remotely happy with my figure.
Im nearly 5ft 8 and have a large chest, its horrible.

I have 2 massive rolls of lard on my front and a ton of back fat, starting to get folds in my arms and top of my thighs, i have sausage fingers and my face is soooooo distorted by the fat i don't even look like me anymore.

I don't understand why my DH is interested in me like this.
Ive put on 5 st since i met him, but was about 4/5st overweight when we first got together.

now im just a monster, a huge fat ugly monster.

how on earth do i lose 10 stone!

i've got cambridge packs and slimfast tins/bars in the cuboard but i never use them

Food is really my only luxury, i don't feel satisfied emotionally until i eat/drink something i crave.
My portions are crazy, but the feeling of being so full i can't move is so comforting and sicking at the same time i don't feel right unless i get to that point.
even if ive eaten a big dinner with fattning drinks etc i find myself panicking to find something to eat before bed, dispite not being hungry.
I don't want to have surgery or pills etc, but mentaly/emotionaly i need help.
Im not stupid, and i know exactly the right kind of balanced diet and portions i need, but i just don't do it.

what can i do?

Have you thought about overeaters anonymous? Sounds like you need to get to the bottom of the emotions surrounding your eating first...

It sounds like you're pretty aware of the issues you have, so that's a good first step. Do you know where these issues might have come from? What was your relationship with food like as a child? What are the rest of your family like?

Don't bother with the slimfast and that sort of thing - I don't think they're anything to do with having a healthy attitude towards food, which is what you ultimately need to work towards.

I think your first step should be to make an appointment with a GP, if you can face it. Hopefully they will be able to refer you for counselling, which I think you would find beneficial (as, as you say, you know what you're doing wrong and what you need to be doing, but there's something mentally stopping you from putting it into practice). If they can't refer you, could you afford private counselling?

If not, there's a lot of support on here for people who want to get fit and lose weight sensibly, and hopefully you'll be able to work out some little changes to get you started in the right direction. One good thing about being quite overweight is that you'll only need to make small changes at first to see some good, motivating results .

You ask "how on earth do I lose 10 stone?" - by losing a pound, then another, then another... you will get there eventually, and it will become easier as you go.

If you are not happy then really I think you need to find some help emotionally rather than worry about your diet per se. How about some counselling? Please do not think I think that something is horribly wrong with you, but if you are only happy when overeating then you need to try and find out what is behind all this - sometimes the problem is a long past one and a lot of over eating like other addictions can also be about habit and comfort in familiarity or fear of change.

It also takes a huge amount of courage to ask for help so try to see this as a first step - please try to talk to your GP or another agency like overeaters anonymous, i reckon they may have some ideas and resources to help you. Please also do not be deterred if you are not taken seriously the first time you ask. Post back on here and ask for support and just keep on going.

In my opinion your weight is not the issue, nor how much weight you have to lose it is more about why you are here and how to move forward - most of all, be kind to yourself.

My absolute best wishes to you.

if you feel you have to eat until you are so full that you can't move, maybe think about what you are frightened you would do if you could move/run...what would you run away to or from?

OA or other therapy might be a good first step

I was 5 stone overweight at Xmas, have lost 1.5 of those 5 stone, the remaining 3.5 are a work n progress! Like you I was a compulsive overeater, eating somehow created a numb/trance feeling that calmed me down. I broke out of that pattern by changing my eating habits completely - 3 healthy meals per day, with fruit/rice cakes as snacks in between. I found that getting out of the bad pattern of stuffing myself with packets of biscuits/roast chicken etc was enough to stop me craving doing that.

Does this sound like something you would be able to try by yourself? Speak to GP or practice nurse anyway, they can be good sources of info/advice, as well as referrals.

Yes i am aware that there is an emotional need for the amount of food i cram into myself.
TBH within myself i can't remember when ive been happy/content for an extended period of time, like not longer than a day at a time.

Theres so much Sh*t from when i was a bubs to a few years ago that ive frankly ignored and avoided dealing with.

Thats what one therapist friend ( didn't see professionaly ) said to me, the way i cope with stress/pain is avoidence, he was defianetly on to something.

Im quite sure that opening the lid of my preverbial past of crapieness will see me in a unit of some kind, im doubting wether i should deal with it whatever the consequence, or just muddle along and accept im going to be this fat :S
i know thats wrong, but thats what im fighting inside my head.

Im truely useless

I work at a weight management service which provides dietetics, GP, psychologist and excercise sessions through a physio. Its a real holistic approach to weight loss and there are group support meetings regularly which the clients get a chance to lead, and they do so much better for supporting each other.

Is there something similar in your area?

TotalChaos! the numbeness, yes exactly how i feel, its almost like the more food inside, the less room i have inside my head to think about things i don't want to IYKWIM.
The feeling of overfullness overpowers every other feeling/thought, i like that.

The thing is, though, if you maintain your current habits and mindset, you're not just going to maintain your current weight - you're going to keep gaining until you suffer some serious health problems.

It sounds like you have a lot of work to do and a long way to go to deal with your past and feel happy with yourself, but that doesn't mean that it can't be done. Just take things slowly.

You are absolutely not useless. It sounds like some bad things have happened to you and people have treated you badly, but please don't let this stop you from having a happy and fulfilled life. You only get one shot, I really think you should face up to your demons and try to live life to the full - don't settle for letting the past dictate the rest of your life.

I think that sometimes food becomes an 'inner hug' we eat to sate the feelings of sadness we either are having or have had.

Your not useless but you need support to get out of this.

Its easy for me to say I know but look at it logically -your not gonna lose 10 stone easily so do it in small amounts...if you eat 3 bags of crisps everyday try to eat 2 if you drink full fat coke try a few diet cokes...if you dont do much excercise try to walk more- I know of someone who has lost more than 10 stone through willpower alone (she was getting married) she is stunning!!! she would be the first to say she wasnt but worked at it.

In the meantime look after yourself moisturise your skin to prepare it for your weightloss,paint your nails style your hair etc -learn to love yourself.

Big women that look after themselves look fabulous big women that dont can look terrible.

I think this first step was a difficult step but I also think you can do this -babystep by babystep.

You are not truely useless.

It does sound like you are using food as a means to avoid some issues. It's unlikely a diet alone is going to solve this. What's most important is to address why it is you need comforting. Some form of talking therapy may be a good start. Cognitive behavioural therapy can be useful, as can counselling.

Overeaters annonymous can also be really helpful for mutual support from others who'll understand what you are feeling.

Best of luck. You have already recognised what the problem is and that's a major first step in the right direction. So you see, you are not useless. Indeed, you are a self-aware person facing her demons and working towards doing something about them. That in my book means you're a pretty together sort.

I have my troubles, quite probably not as bad as you - we are all different, but I have found that I don't need a tranquil, worry free life to diet- that was a big factor holding me back, feeling I was so unhappy, how could I deprive myself etc - the behaviour (overeating) could in my case be separated from the other issues. I have had CBT quite a few years ago - it is good at trying to help your current behaviour without delving into all the nastiness of the past, yes, you do touch onto your personal history, but the emphasis is on positive behaviour patterns for the here and now.

OTT I could have written your post. You have taken a massive step by acknowledging that something is not right.

That is a massive step and now you want to do something about it. Which is another huge step.

I have recognised that I need to lose the weight, but I am doing nothing about it because I just don't know where to start.

I think the best place is teh GP.

As other people have said, this is more about the pyschological need than a calorific one. We eat for comfort, and why is that? Why do we eat a whole packet of biscuits rather than just one?

Doing teh Cambridge diet etc is one thing but I don't think that alone will be enough. I think it needs to be teamed up with emotional support from either OA or a one-to-one pyschologist.

Dont think that by opening up you are going be in a unit.

And it has to be babysteps. Don't think that you need to lose 10 stone. Think you need to lose half a stone by the end of April.

And then another half a stone by the second Bank HOliday in May.

It has to be small goals, not one huge one.

There are plenty of threads on here that will give you all the support you need as you start your journey.

In the meantime, ask your DH why he loves you. It will be all about you, you are not just who you see in the mirror. You are lovely / warm / generous / funny person whom your DH wants to be with, or he wouldn't be.

You most definitely are not useless.

I have an appointment tuesday, it was for another thing, but i think this needs to be addressed first.
They did put me into a clinic sort of thing last yr, but at the second meeting the doctor heading the team basicaly told me i knew what the message of the clinic was ( basically portion control and fat content etc ) and that it wouldn't help me if it was an emotional reason for me being obese.

it was more educational than emotionaly supportive, i think thats what i need the most.

Im getting worried that im going to embaress my DS when he starts school ( in 3 yrs time! )

Im so tired of everything, being like this, im angry ive let myself get like this

Don't be angry at yourself. Be good to yourself. As somebody else said, moisturise your skin, look after yourself.

And set your DS starting school as your goal. Three years is a very realistic goal to lose the weight slowly and steadily and change the mindset you are in.

It has taken 25 years to get to this point so change is not going to happen over night.

There is no quick fix to this, it is a long process of realisation and understanding. And then change. The hardest step though is the first one and you have done that.

MN will be with you every step of the way, there are ladies on other threads that will hold your hand and help you do it.

It can sometimes be helpful to understand what you should be eating, and it may be more appropriate in the future. The Eating Disorders Association may be able to offer support. They are now called B-eat.

I had awful eating problems for about 15 years. Since then I have pretty much stopped smoking, and I don't drink quite as much. The penny sort of dropped with the smoking when I realised that cigarettes weren't very good at parenting and were probably even more likely to kill me than my own parents.

I used to go to eating disorder support groups. If you think they might be helpful, they should be on the B-eat website. They used to have people talking - psychologists, people from clinics, psychiatrists etc. It was quite interesting. It is very important not to feel alone.

thankyou silentcatastrophe, i will look into that.

Id like to add, i wasn't overweight as a child, or early teenager, i started putting on weight unhealthily around 15 yrs old

I was actually underweight as a child, i was refered to SS because my teachers were worried, i can't remember but my mum used to tell me every few weeks she had to clear out under my bed because i used to steal and hide food but not eat it, i used to apparently just stuff it under my carpet and bed, but again not eat it :S
I don't know if thats connected, don't know how i could go from that to this?
but i will try and get some help at the GPs.

I think talking about it ( which i haven't really ever done ) with people in the same boat will really help me work it out.

SilentC- i also used to smoke, but gave up very easily, also used to bite my nails, but stopped that, since stopping those habits my weight has got worse.

Im lucky that my husband is slim and healthy, and my son has a good appetite but naturaly refuses food when he is full, i would hate for him to end up like me.

OTT, I would suggest going to your GP and asking for a referral for cognitive behavioural therapy. I suffered through my teens with binge eating issues and was bullied at school for being the fat girl. Seeing a therapist was helpful. I got useful practical advice, but also the action of having to go and sit in a therapist's office made me realise that I didn't want this 'problem' anymore.

My problem was that once I'd had one binge, I would feel that there was no point eating anything healthy for the rest of the week. The therapy helped me to realise that one mistake didn't have to lead onto another. For example, the other day I ate a 200g Lindt bunny in one sitting, but I didn't panic and feel that I'd blown it and may as well have some crisps as well. Instead, I carried on and had my next meal as normal.

I used to go to bed most nights feeling physically sick because I'd eaten so much, but I was so used to this that I couldn't stop. You CAN love and enjoy food whilst having a healthy relationship with it. And you can use it as a comfort, but in a healthy way. For example, I eat lots more fruit and veg, and I feel happy because I know that I'm nourishing my body instead of filling it with empty artificial ingredients. Eating more natural unprocessed food will fill you up and balance your blood sugar so that you're less hungry. This isn't your fault. If you're eating junk then it's the food that's sending your blood sugar levels up and down quickly and making you more hungry. This site has so much information about all the nutrients in foods and how beneficial they are.

If you have a lot of weight to lose it can seem overwhelming, so forget that you have 10st to lose. Work out 5% of your body weight and focus on losing that. Once you've reached that goal, go for 10%. This is a fantastic blog, and there's a book to go with it, written by a lady who lost 12.5st. I reccomend you start at the beginning.

Good luck!

Perhaps a session or two of Hypnotherapy could be useful along side the other ideas have been put forward

Please do try Overeaters Anonymous - they will help and provide you with huge amounts of support and you will meet so many lovely people