Really worried about my MIL, she won't see doctor, what can i do?

[queenoftheslatterns]

MIL has been ill for almost a year, she struggles to breathe and cant walk far without losing her breath. her stomach is bloated and she gets frequent bouts of diarrohea(sp) the other day she showed me an article about ovarian cancer and said that she has all the symptoms, but refuses to go to the gp. she is 65 and has never had a smear but has had 6 children.

Im really worried about her, she gave up smoking 2y ago after smoking 30 a day and also has an overactive thyroid which appears to be under control. she isnt well at all though and seems to be getting slowly worse.

?

sorry your MIL is unwell. it really could be so many things, (some of the symptoms you describe are overactive thyroid symptoms), ibs, anything, it's a shame if she's too scared to go to the doctors, it could well be something easily fixable. Is there noone who could frogmarch her down there - concerted offensive by all 6 kids perhaps?

What a horrible situation .

If she's mentally fine, there isn't much you can do, I don't think, except keep nagging her. She's probably really frightened. Is there anyone else she'll listen to?

Does she know how much she's worrying people?

everyone has tried talking toi her, we have used the grandkids as bargaining tools, tried bullying her, crying - everything.

she just wont listen to us.

i really think there is something wrong though, just an unshakeable feeling i cant explain it. im so upset about this, i love my mil, she's fab

i would have an intervention of sorts with the other DCs and literally force her to go the doctors!! there is nothing wrong with being frightened to hear whether there is something up with you but if it is getting steadily worse and she is now picking up on signs that could mean cancer(alot of signs/symptoms are shared with cancer when they are not for cancer IYSWIM) she needs to be taken to the doctors and given the once over! my DHs GF had ALOT of symptoms of cancer and refused to go the GP and when he eventually was forced (2 years later) he had terminal inoperably throat and lung cancer it does nothing to ignore a problem and well done for being so concerned!! if i were you i would drag her there if needs be

You can speak to her G.P and explain your worries,he may then ask the secretary to telephone MIL and say that to remain as a patient at that surgery she needs some simple health checks .....once shes there .....well.

It doesn't sound as if you can do any more than you have. Unless you think there's something going wrong in her brain, then she has every right to make that decision. I hope she's ok.

I did this years ago cos od dh - he had a huge mole on his back,a lump on his hand and an undescended testes that nothing had been done about.

So he got the phone call after id explained to the Dr ....goes in the surgery had his health checked,bp etc then the Dr said 'show me your hands'-it was embedded glass from a car accident......take your shirt off -the mole is ok then drop your trousers - Dh was a bit but then was referred to a specialist and all was well.

Left to dh hed never have gone.

Yes, you could try phoning her gp for advice.

You can't physically drag the woman against her will though.

thank you all so much, i will speak to dh about it and call her gp for advice. I'm so worried about her.

Could you try working through with her ,one by one ,what her fears and worries are ?
Could you also stress that if she goes to GP ,that she is still able to make choices ,still be able to be in control ?
She could have some tests ,get a diagnosise ,but could say no ,or negotiate things along the way.
My mother is very resistant to GP visits ,hospital investigations .
I think the older generation have a very deferential attitude towards medical proffesion and one of their fears is that if they start the process of investigation ,they'll be swept along on a tide of unpleasant interventions .
My mum also thinks she knows best about everything has a why should I go to doctors ,they'll " only " send me for tests and be able to do nothing .
Sorry not to be more help.
Eagerly awaiting any advice from others.

thank you, her words were (when i pleaded with her to go to docs - dont think i handled it particularly well) "im too old to have a variety of doctors messing with me" i understand her reluctance, but sticking her head in the sand wont make it any better!

I think the best approach is to sort of agree with her - " I understand this is awful for you ,and that the last thing you want to do is think about it .But that's not going to make it go away or get better ...."
Oh I don't know - hurry along someone with better advice !

i offered to ring the well woman clinic, go with her and wait outside during the exam, hell, i'll even hold her hand while they do the exam if needs be! she's never had a smear and tbh i think she kind of thinks there is something serious wrong and just wants to grow old with dignity.

The thing is she is not old! The symptoms you describe could well be ovarian cancer (which is very treatable) but also a host of other problems - thyroid, lungs (especially with history of heavy smoking), liver, kidneys - all of which could be treated. I think you need to speak to her again but rather than telling her what to do listen to her and ask her what she is really frightened about - because it sounds like fear is at the heart of her reluctance. Perhaps she had some traumatic health experience in the past or has very out-dated ideas about health care, etc.
Is she religious? If so, is there a priest or minister/vicar she trusts? What about her best friend?
If you know who her GP is I would definitely have a word with them though, to some extent, their hands are tied - you cannot force someone of sound mind to see a doctor against their will. But as others have said, the GP maybe able to see her under the guise of a general check up and, if forearmed with the story, (s)he will then be able to ask the right kind of questions and do the right kind of examination/tests, etc.
Don't try to bully your MIL though - don't blackmail her with images of bereft grand-children, etc. She sounds terried already and that kind of technique isn't going to improve her sense of well-being.

queen - this isn't going to help you in the way you hope. Your MIL may very well be aware that something is wrong, she may consider it is something seriously wrong and she might not actually want to do anything about it.

My mum pretty much did this - she hated hospitals and the thought of having extended intervention for anything and always said she'd rather be shot or take a happy pill than get into a dependent or seriously ill state. Anyway - she was unwell, then more unwell, then really having trouble breathing etc. and her GP ended up bunging her off to hospital where they eventually told us (after 3w) that she had terminal bowel cancer and only had weeks to live at most. In fact she had 8 days. BUT - I strongly believe, as does my Dad, that this was her choice - that she knew something was really wrong but chose not to do anything sooner because she couldn't face the treatment, which might not have worked anyway.

In the end - your MIL, much though you might not want this to be the case, might have made a similar choice.

But what if it's not something with such a poor prognosis ?
Something chronic that could be managed and give her better quality of a long life?

Is she worried? Sell it to her that it might be something as simple as IBS and that is fairly easily sorted out I think.

I suspected my Nana had breast cancer and told her to see a doctor then wrote her a note reminding her to go. Luckily she went and while she did have breast cancer she was treated and had another 5 years.

Good luck.

thank you all for your replies. she has agreed to see the doc, i explained that it could easily be something like IBS or even just a sensitive tummy, but that she wont know until she goes.

i do think she has kind of decided that she is seriously ill and has often said that when its her time she doesnt want doctors prodding her and trying to keep her alive if her quality of life is gouing to be reduced.

glad she has agreed to go, queen - hope it turns out to be something fairly trivial. 65 is too young to give up unnecessarily (my Mum was 63).

well, spoke too soon, she hasnt called today apparently she's "not had chance"

Well don't let the opportunity go - remind her ,offer to phone ,ask if she's had a chance to phone today ...