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Help-partners of recovering or ex alcoholics???

14 replies

shatteredmumsrus · 25/03/2010 20:47

After 7 years of me wishing dp wouldnt drink he has come way to my way of thinking. He had a massive bender the weekend and ended up having suicidal thoughts crying at his mums front door.I kicked him out 8 weeks ago after too much hurt and upset caused by him and his drinking. His father, uncles and brother are all alcoholics too (found this out after I had fallen in love)He moved in with a friend and becaue he could he drank more and more, We have 2 children ages 5 and 9. Youngest is obvlivious, not sure about the eldest tho he doesnt say much. Do I tell them the truth about Daddies drinking? He is now living at hi mums to 'get better'. Hi parents went thru the same and his dad is a recovering alcoholic but found the renewal church and this is his solice. They are trying to get dp into the church too as they believe he cant do it on his own.If im honest this church isnt my thing - too in your face but as ive said to dp if it helps you go for it. I know its early days as he only decided Sunday and he has said this before but somethings different this time. He would never move into his moms if he didnt need to believe me. So my questions are as follow - I have said to him he needs to sort himself out before he comes home, what does this mean?Am I right to say that? - I know its selfish but I too like an occasional drink , maybe twice a month. Do I have to give this up? Should I? - What about family functions and get togethers with friends? We are only in our early thirties and everyone drinks around us. Shame that partner cannot social drink and he accepts that now.- I have said to him that I dont know if I will love the person he becomes, after all its not the man I met, I might not like him.- I will miss our nights out together, we used to have a drink and such a giggle, them days are gone. Im ssooooooo confused this is grown up stuff and I cant deal with it. Please help me???

OP posts:
Elasticwoman · 25/03/2010 20:56

If you want your dp back, and want him to stay sober, I think you should give up alcohol too. He will appreciate your sacrifice. If you don't give up and he sees you drinking, the temptation will be too much for him. If you give up alcohol, and his efforts to give up fail, at least you will know you did everything you could. If your home doesn't become an alcohol free zone, he doesn't have a hope.

Some one connected to my family died of alcoholism aged 45. It is not a nice way to go.

BikeRunSki · 25/03/2010 21:03

I don't have experience of a drinking DP, but was bought up by an actively alcoholic mother, so can relate to you in some way. She stopped drinking 30 years ago, and has been sober since. She did this through Alcoholics Anonymous, who may be more "your thing" than the Renewal Church. The important thing is that your DP has accepted that he has a problem and is looking for help.

It sounds like you need help and support too though. AA also run a family support group - AlAnon, and for older children, AlaTeen.

My mum is totally tolerant of living and sociallizing with "normal" drinkers, but I think it took some years of sobriety to have this control. It may help your DP if you don't drink whilst he is recovering. As for social functions, be honest - he should just say that he doesn;t drink anymore. Everyone should respect that, but support like AA should be able to give him the moral strength to stick to his guns.

I have just tried to link to the AA website for you but their server is down ! Eeek, but posting anyway, as I don;t want this to go unanswered.

shatteredmumsrus · 25/03/2010 21:11

I can give it up, I hardly drink anyway. Maybe im just being picky. Am I doing the right thing telling him he has to sort himself out before he comes home? What if I dont love the tee totaller he will become (if he does manage to give up)?I used to love him holding my hand when we were out and making me feel safe when we were having the occasional night out.We danced and had a laugh - al those things are in the past now, things will never be the same

OP posts:
Elasticwoman · 25/03/2010 21:58

Don't see why he can't hold your hand and make you feel safe as a TT. I'd feel a darn sight safer with a TT than with a drunk, for sure. Do you think it was the danger that attracted you?

MIFLAW · 25/03/2010 22:57

I'm an ex problem drinker, also in AA.

FWIW I'm a better dancer and much more of a laugh than I used to be ...

shatteredmumsrus · 26/03/2010 14:54

Ha ha good for you MIFLAW. Yes Elasticwoman I do. I had come out of a relationship of 5 year with a total bore. Never happy are we, everyone said I went from one extreme to the other and they were right!
I am worried that our relationship will go stale and we will have no fun. I know he will struggle bigtime as its all he has ever known. He used to say what do you want me to do drink tea all the time and I said yes! I have my wish now dont I. I wish I could have met someone who only drank socially and knoew when to stop like I do. This is soooo complicated and so many thoughts going through my head. We used to get together at friends houses and have a meal and a drink, he will find that too hard. I can see trouble ahead!

OP posts:
SpicedGerkin · 26/03/2010 14:59

I'm not sure i agree, that the OP should adjust her life for her P.

He has the problem not her, yes if she wants to not deink for a while fine, but it seems that it would be too easy for her P to then blame her if he slips because she did x/y or z.

shatteredmumsrus · 26/03/2010 15:07

thats what im worried about too. Also his parents will say im not 'supporting' him. I see my friend once a month if that and we have a bottle of wine so I really houldnt get worked up about it. He will have to deal with that. I drink responsibly and dont hurt or upset anyone in the meantime.Fair enough?

OP posts:
MIFLAW · 26/03/2010 16:25

To clarify, by "used to be," I mean, "when I drank."

Also, it varies from person to person, but I have no problem going into palces where drink is served as long as I have a legitimate reason for being there. I can't say they're as much fun now I'm not drunk myself, but I can certainly accompany others and have a good time myself.

violetqueen · 27/03/2010 18:48

The way I see it ,you can't carry on with him drinking .
He has to stop .
You need to take one day at a time - stop imagining that he'll be a bore ,you'll have no fun.
I guess it's true that things will change between you ,have courage that it will be ok .
Have respect for him for trying to do something so difficult.Try and rise to the challenge yourself .

MIFLAW · 29/03/2010 00:56

"We used to get together at friends houses and have a meal and a drink, he will find that too hard. I can see trouble ahead!" How do you know he will find that hard? He might find it a doddle after a couple of months. I agree with Violet - don't project, take things one day at a time and see how it goes, just like he is.

MIFLAW · 29/03/2010 00:57

Incidentally, my partner drinks, I don't, and I have no problem with that at all.

shatteredmumsrus · 31/03/2010 20:41

thankyou so much-i agree that i analyse things too much!

OP posts:
lucyxxx · 08/04/2010 17:16

Hi all,

Like some of you I am a mum with an alcoholic partner. After numerous attempts at AA and rehab I was starting to give up hope of my partner ever stopping drinking until we discovered a drug called neltrexone. It is an opiod suppressor used with heroin addicts and alcoholics. It has changed our lives and has given me a loving partner and our son a father. Here is the Times article with some more information.

www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/health/article5484285.ece

In the UK the NHS will only prescribe it to heroin addicts however you can speak to a private psychiatrist who is a specialist in drugs and alcohol who can prescribe it (We paid £300 for the initial consultation) or you can contact the Stapleford Centre www.staplefordcentre.com/ if you live near London.

My partner is following 'The Sinclair Method'

www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=11132

Neltrexone really does sound like it is too good to be true but in our experience it has been!

(I have posted this message on a number of threads as I would like to reach as many people as possible)

Good luck Lx

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