Am I having a mid-life crisis? Please help me understand my weird feelings!

[anorak]

Feel stuck in a rut, have no inclination to do anything. Husband narrowly escaped train bomb last week, ds starts full-time school in Sept, DD1 going into 6th form, DD2 gone away on school trip. We've nearly finished our house in preparation for moving. I feel as if everything's changing and I can't control it. Don't understand where I fit in any more.

In the last 5 years since we married and moved into this house the following things have happened:

Had a baby.

Found out ex was running internet pornography business and 'allowing' DD1 who was then 11 to find out.

Lengthy court battle over contact which we won but cost all our savings.

Broke my leg badly and have permanent injury very very slowly getting better.

DD1 had long depression including an overdose.

DH made redundant.

Both daughters have been bullied at school.

Good friend sent to prison for crime he did not commit.

Best friend's DH had nervous breakdown and long dispute with his work.

My only two uncles died.

DH's parents made up their minds I and my daughters must be some kind of scum when they heard about ex so my DH has cut them off.

DH had nervous breakdown and spent a year in therapy.

Now my cousin who is very close to me is having marital breakdown and her sister being treated for cancer.

I applied (a bit ambitiously) for a good job last week thinking it might make all the difference and they didn't even want to interview me.

I feel as if I've spent five years supporting everyone emotionally and I'm emptied out. I keep crying and feeling trapped. Feel worn out and regularly do nothing all day.

Help!

Oh jampots, the last five years have I think been the happiest of my life, so you can probably imagine what it was like before that! I could tell you but you'd think I was making it up!

I don't mind about ds starting school - really, I'm glad. I'm not great with little children, they do my head in. It's just all the change at the moment - I'm not handling it too well.

Grateful Journal- force yourself to write down five things you are grateful for each morning. It is a start. Don't feel guilty about the guy, you just wanted to escape that's all. I totally understand those feelings.

Get to the doctorsyour adrenal glands are probably shotcortisol levels go crazy from that amount of long term stress, they can check your thyroid, your pituitary (sp.

Are you still there?

I'm here. No need for journal, I know what's good in my life. I love my dh, all my kids are healthy, we have enough money and a nice home, blah blah blah...I know and really really appreciate all those things but I still feel like crying all the time. Like I don't understand my own life.

No I know 'the guy' is only a symptom. Did not know about cortisol though.

I have to go as dh wants to use internet. Back later. xxx

Change reeks havoc on the system, even when things are really crappy as long as they are consistently crappy I can usually deal with it. I am anxious, so my perspective is always shaded with this. Do you really want to move? Is this bothering you, is it all up to you, the packing, boxes, etc., will you move far? Will you be dealing with more loss? Hone in on what is really hurting to see if you can focus on that in therapy or work though it on your own.

My sense is that you are trying to deal with a loss or losses. Does that fit?

Doing the journal just forces you to focus on what is good, even if it is just for 20 minutes. I was diagnosed with dysthymia about 5 years ago Anorak. I take ADs, but I am trying to wean myself back now and have reduced my dosage slowly down to try and see how I feel without them. I am here for you, CAT me via wread @ avaya.com if you would like to talk in case I am not around on Mumsnet.

Thank you sunny. I just slept 8 1/2 hours and still struggled to wake up. Could quite happily lie in bed all day I think.

Well, I am up now too, who knows for how long! I want to sleep all the time too! Sleeping is very healing and is the least destructive. How are you feeling now?

hello anorak, how are things today?

Hi ninah and sunchowder. Still feeling c**p. Have been out shopping and felt as if I might cry at any moment. Beginning to think it might be depression after all. Familiar symptoms starting to manifest...

Don't want to go on antidepressants. Been there done that. Also have had intensive psychotherapy which worked. Maybe I need some more of it.

Hello anorak (I used to be tiddlypom, have changed my name). Sorry to hear you've had so much to cope with; it would be weird if you weren't feeling emotionally exhausted IMO.

For what it's worth, and I don't know how much of a factor this is for you, but dh and I were saying last night that the bombs in London were probably still taking their emotional toll on us - he works above Liverpool St station, and was OK, but our lives have gone to pot a bit since then, in that we keep forgetting longstanding arrangements, feel edgy, etc. I think there's been a lot of talk about how Londoners need to just carry on with life, as if nothing had happened, without enough recognition of how such things can be quite traumatic, even for people not actually injured or directly involved.

If you're thinking of a life coach, I was looking at this website yesterday:
here
I don't know any more than what's on the website, but it might be worth looking at.

The other thing is that the end of term is a weird time involving lots of change, which mums have to manage for their kids, and I think that's quite a burden as well (speaking for myself, anyway).

HTH

Fauve, you are so right about the bombs. We were going somewhere in the car when we had the 2 - min silence last Thurs, we had all been happily chatting and then as we observed the silence, I began to cry. Couldn't stop thinking, instead of a day out to the seaside with my dh and kids I could have been on my way to bury him today.

My friend Christie has been feeling the same since her dh almost boarded the fatal bus.

Thank you for the write coach link - it's so apt for me and I'm touched that you realised that.