Aging parents

[Bonsoir]

I am beginning to realise that my parents, and especially my mother, are changing. My mother, who is 72, is becoming forgetful and muddled and unable to keep track of all the information that she used to, leading to gaps in her reasoning and to quite out of character behaviour.

The realisation that she is aging makes me realise that I must be a lot more understanding and forgiving of her. But it also makes me grieve, for the reliable, thoughtful and kind mother I once had is no longer quite the same.

Has anyone else got any thoughts? How does one make the transition from depending on one's parents for great love and understanding to the other way round?

I thought about this a lot wrt my mother and her mother, as my grandmother started a very long and slow descent into dependency a few years after my grandfather died. It was sad for my mother but she said that it was such a gentle decline over many years that it wasn't too difficult to accept and adjust to.

Still, I know I will worry much more about my mother now that my own father has died, as she has been such a coper and a rock for us all and I am fearful of this changing... so although I have no great insight to offer I do sympathise.

Did your father die very recently, castille?

Thank you for sympathising. I had a bad night thinking about this, after some difficult conversations with my mother yesterday.

In January, far sooner than expected.

Do you think there is something medically wrong with your mother that needs attention?

Oh I'm so sorry to hear about your father, castille.

My mother has always suffered from migraine and says she has had some recent migraine-related language loss/confusion. And her short-term memory seems to be getting increasingly "selective", leading to her getting the wrong end of the stick about events. I wish she would see a doctor.

Her older sister has similar symptoms and my mother has been complaining about them for years.

Hmm, very difficult if she won't see a doctor. Is she frightened of what she might be told, do you think, or does she not think there is anything wrong?

I think she refuses to see that there is anything wrong. If other people are confused or upset by what she says, they are "oversensitive" or "not empathetic" or she was "busy" and forgot.

Bonsoir, I too have very elderly parents - both in their late 80's. My father has alzheimer's disease. As you say it is very hard to see those you have always depended on in a sense, becoming very dependent. A reversal of roles that is hard to adjust to.

Of course it is natural for older people to have some short term memory loss, but I think if you can persuade her to see a doctor it would be a good idea. They will monitor any loss over time, and there are drugs available which, while not a cure for dementia, can help slow its progress.

Strange as it sounds, although my father is in the latter stages of his illness, I can still recognize sparks and signs of the wonderful person he was - a flash of humour, - all the more poignant because they are rarer nowadays.

I do wish your mother well, as I say there are many things which are part of the normal aging process. I hope you don't mind me sharing my experience, but your post stuck a chord with me.

Does your father have an opinion? Will she listen to him? Or your siblings? Maybe if you all gang up on her (in the nicest possible way) she might listen to your concerns?

I think my father has always dismissed my mother's intellect as being inferior to his own; I will try to test out what he thinks, but fear I may not get very far.

My sister, however, is more concerned (though very pre-occupied with her own problems). I think we are going to do a bit of monitoring together.

Thanks for your post KurriKurri - it is reassuring to hear from other people with relevant experience, however sad.

Even if you do persuade her to seek medical advice it doesn't address the original issue of the psychological consequences of ageing parents, of course.

On that subject all I can say is that you will learn to accept and enjoy what there is at any given time, rather than what there is not. I find myself mourning the loss of what there was more now that my father has died than I did when he was still with us, and the same goes for my mother and her mother.

The more gradual the process of ageing the less acutely painful it is for the children but there is little one can do other than learn to deal with it

Indeed.

I need to learn not to take what she says to me to heart. She has become randomly and quite unjustifiably critical of late, which is, I know, a classic behaviour of older people but it is so unlike her that it is very difficult to take.

I know exactly how you feel Bonsoir, and living abroad makes things worse as you see them so infrequently, and the changes are so much more apparent.

I noticed that my mum had problems with memory loss long before my siblings, who saw her every day. She was in her early 60s, and her wooliness went on for a long time before any of us could broach the subject with dad, who knew of course but just could not deal with it.

My mum is still at home though, and is medicated, although I am not sure if that has changed much. I do mourn her, and the fact that the children will never know her, though it is such a gradual process that bizarrely you do just become accustomed.

I agree though with Castille in making the most of every second with her, and try not to let your concerns cloud what you have now.

Bonsoir, adapting to the changing role isn't easy, but as you have no choice it's something most people just get on with I think. Do try & get your mother some medical advice - it's very common for people with memory problems to be in denial and to cover up their problems as much as possible which makes things very hard to diagnose. The drugs to slow alzeimers that kurrikurri mentioned have to be given early on and all too many people don't seek medical help until it's too late for them to benefit from them.

Certainly, living abroad means that my mother is not intimately acquainted with my daily life and depends on information I impart in order to follow what is going on with me and my family. And I am aware that her ability to follow events recounted to her second hand has decreased dramatically.

In her own daily life she seems fine, until something very new or difficult comes along, when she is clearly less able to take it on board than she used to be.

My mother recently said that my father became very critical of my brother in his latter months, which she felt terribly sad about. My mother is concerned that he will take it all to heart and become unnecessarily self-critical.

We wondered if it was him desperately wanting to pass on all his father-to-son advice and wisdom with the very best of intentions (esp avoiding his own mistakes), but it came out in a rather harsh way.

My mother has been complaining about her older sister's tendency to criticise virulently and randomly for quite a while. She finds it very difficult to live with.

Do I tell my mother when she engages in the same behaviour, or do I say nothing?

Pointing it out (in whatever way you think she will take the best) might encourage her to analyse the change in herself and maybe even see a doctor.

Or it might just make her defensive and cross!

As Castille says, it depends entirely what her reaction to the information is likely to be. If something positive might come of it then it's worth it, if not, then not.

Thank you all for reaching out to others to discuss the challenges of caring for our Aging Parents. My father died about 2 years ago leaving my mother after 63 years of marriage set a drift in the world, very much alone and without purpose in life. I am a doctor with specialty in elder care. Mom immediately asked me how many sleeping pills she needed to take to kill herself. Now 2 years later Mom has made great progress at 87 years old and is in the market for a new boyfriend. My wife is a nurse-attorney and she has been a god-sent in helping me quickly step up in my new caregiver role. Both my wife and I now launched our own website AgingParents.com to offer lots of free information and articles to help others learn the required skills to become effective caregivers. Please encourage others to take a look. It is our mission to help others avoid the painful mistakes in caring for our Aging Parents.

Bonsoir - sympathies ,I think the emotional exchanges are harder to cope with than anything .
Two thoughts - is your mum getting enough fluid ? Even slight dehydration can make elderly people forgetful .
Older people aren't so aware of need to drink as our generation ,and often mobility or stress incontenence makes them restrict intake .
And tea is a diuretic - sorry about spelling !
If she's critical and grumpy - could she be depressed ? Does she need more interests /stimulation ?
Finally ,my mum is renowned for her rude /hurtful remarks ( which strangely are at variance to a very kind heart ) .
I find it hard ,and my remarks are always rebuffed ,but I do think challenging them is best .My mum tends to think about what I've said and although doesn't acknowledge that she's spoken out of turn ,does think about it later and take it on board .
Good luck .

My parents are getting doddery too. My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimers about 6 or 7 years ago when she was in her early 60s. Once my brother and I were able to find out more about her condition and get more involved with her care, it has been easier to grieve that we are losing her. It goes on and on and on, and it is hard having to come to terms with having come from a very dysfunctional background.

Dr Mikol

I had a look at your website but although some of your tips are useful the majority of what you say is directed at the American market and your laws and Medicare information do not apply here.

Our focus is to help people in crisis. We are interested in engaging families about the importance of discussing what to do for our parents, before they need our help.