FIL with cancer - getting much worse - how can I help DH?

[LaytonRocks]

FIL has had prostate cancer for about 8 years now, but in the past year it has gone into the bone - mainly spine and legs.

It is def terminal and he is in a fair bit of pain. He is getting weaker and has lost a lot of muscle in his legs.

Obviously, it is very distressing for my DH to see his dad in this way and to see his mum dealing with this. At times he has had a very troubled relationship with both of them (MIL is a very difficult woman, although we are obviously cutting her a lot of slack at the moment and doing what we can for her) but thankfully, things seem more settled at the moment. It is also upsetting for DH that our DS (18mo) will probably never remember his Grandad.

I think this will be a very bad year for his family - what can I say or do (or NOT say or do) to help him? I'm at a complete loss for what to do - over the past 8 years, I have tried to help him remain positive, but at the moment, that is rather difficult. He is out on a rare night out with friends tonight. Any thoughts gratefully received.

Didn't want this to go unanswered. Poor you and your DH

I'm no expert at all, but having thought about this a little, I think all you can do is be there for you DH and try to make the other aspects of his life (ie life with you and your DS) as normal and easy as possible. I don't know if remaining positive is best when it's terminal. Perhaps being honest and talking about the practicalities with your DH will help him open up?

You could make a scrap book for your DS to have in the future with your FIL's memories written in and photos... maybe also your DH's and MIL's stories too. That might help everyone come to terms with what's happening and give them something happy to focus on.

Have you thought about posting in bereavement - there'll be people there who've been where you are now and through the loss of loved ones who might be more help?

Best of luck to you x

Supporting someone who is being bereaved is undoubtedly very hard work.

Have they got a Macmillan nurse?

I don't think your role is necessarily to keep him positive. I think you need to listen very carefully, and take the lead from him...kind of mirror what he says, or just nod and don't say anything.

Sometimes a person who is ill, or a person who is being bereaved, is grateful to have someone they can say the 'bad' things to, the what ifs, the worries...without being told 'it'll be fine' etc iyswim?

I'm sure I'm covering stuff you already know and do. in your position it is very hard as you are dealing with a constant up and down of his moods I would imagine and that's very awkward to meet with equanimity.

Sounds as though you have been doing really well if this has been going on for 8 years. I take my hat off to you

I hope the next few months are not too awful.

Thank you very much for your thoughts. Everything you've said is very useful.

The scrapbook sounds a great idea.

I think you're right about not necessarily remaining positive now - DH does need to face what's unavoidable now.

FIL does have a Macmillan nurse, who sounds fab.

Thanks again.

My DPs father died last year, but he died very suddenly so not quite the same as your experience.

However, JAMM's idea about a memory book is exactly what I did for my two DD's, as DD1 was only 16 months old when he died, and I was 8 months pregnant with DD2.

I got a big stick-in photo album and gathered together loads of photos, little nick-knacks (he was a real hoarder of trinkets!), newspaper articles he'd collected about DP and his brothers, and whenever DP's family are reminiscing about their dad I write some of the memories down and put them in the book. It's not much, but I think it really helped DP, as one of the things he was most upset about when his father passed was the fact that the girls would never know him.

The only thing you can do for your DH is be there for him. I found I was alternating between being there to comfort him, then to be a sounding board for him to yell at, then to be the practical one who could organise stuff when it all got too much for DP.

Good luck, it will be a tough time for you all. Hope your FIL is no in too much pain and everything goes as smoothly as possible. Good luck x

Thank you.

He has been given a few weeks now because they have discovered that he has it in his liver now, too.

I am starting a memory book - apart from being a nice thing for DH and DS, it helps me to feel like I am doing something positive for the family when I am otherwise useless!