Why have I totally failed to heal from this properly

[chocolatestar]

I went through a really unpleasant period in my life several years ago. I was away at college and got involved with someone really unpleasant. He was abusive towards me both emotionally and sexually and in the end I had to leave my course to get away from him.

The immediate aftermath was awful, I had no support and suffered from insomnia, panic attacks and nightmares. Eventually I was lucky enough to get some help and had five years of thearpy.

It was very helpful but when I got to the end of it I didn't really feel healed from what had happend. I had learned how to box it away but there are still times when it is hard to keep that lid on.

I suppose I am wondering if that is just the way that life works. If something that happened 12 years ago should still cause so much pain for me or if there is something wrong with me because it does.

Are you perhaps focusing on this because you are afraid of moving on from it and getting hurt again? Are you scared of letting someone close in case it happens again?

Such highly emotive memories will be hard wired into your brain, it's an evolutionary thing. If you were surprised by a woolly mammoth and had to escape quickly, you would be frightened and if you recalled that, you would experience the same fear or apprehension.

In the same way, a traumatic experience, for as long as you 'revisit' it mentally will feel very scary and you will feel vulnerable.

And you say 'several years ago'. If something really awful happens, there is nothing to say that five years later you are going to be over it.

I don't think your therapeutic journey is over though - perhaps go to the GP and ask for a referral to someone who does cognitive behavioural therapy to see if you can reorganise your thinking about the experience so it's more comfortable?

Good luck, it doesn't sound an easy road to walk.

I don't think you have failed to heal. I think maybe we just expect to heal too much or too soon. All of the things that have happened to us have brought us to this point and the bad things are just part of the picture.

Personally, for me, it doesn't work when I try to 'box away' things. If I box it away it simply becomes a big looming thing in the back of my mind that seems scarier than it is. Looking at it face on, and thinking about it as much as my mind needs to, seems better for me. However everyone is different. But I do wonder if some more therapy or something along those lines might be worth another try?

I wouldn't be opposed to it, certainly it was helpful before to have that space. I do worry that I am holding on to the hurt for some reason, or being self indulgent if you know what I mean. It was a long time ago - 12 years. I do my best not to go there, I can't stand the sense of loss and shame that I feel when I do.

I can't work out if healing further than I have is possible. I am able to live my life where as before I really couldn't function or cope. I have better coping mechanisms now - I know to avoid things that are triggering such as tv shows that remind me of what happened and I am working on being kinder to myself in general. I started to think that healing was just about coping better with the hurt rather than getting rid of that hurt. I do think I cope pretty well with it most of the time but a part of me wishes I could truly get rid of it.

its anormal reaction....to get delayed feelings...its also a touch of depression i think. I was sexually assualted when i was 8-12 years old and it didnt start to affect me until i was 33. So yes,what you are feeling is normal. You just need some help or a close friend who is a agood listener.