How can I have an abortion?????

[rosieandgym]

Hi. This is the very first time that I have posted a message on mumsnet, so sorry if I don't have all the lingo sorted. Really sorry to anyone reading this that is sensitive to this topic but I'm desperate to find out whether anyone else out there can understand how I'm feeling.

Am pg after having sex for the first time with my dh for a year (bad birth with dd, mucked up insides to such a state only got back in the saddle last month). We got carried away, was day 20 though, so thought safe. Even took morning after pill just to make sure. Anyway started feeling nauseous and my stomach started feeling tight and bloated in the evening. 3 pg tests all confirmed I was pg. I am reeling. Always said that after 2 traumatic births - ds was born emergency ceasearean (sp?) and dd high forceps in theatre - we wouldn't have another. Had even started selling all our old baby stuff on ebay.

Head telling me that for so many reasons I can't go through with this pregnancy. My dh is totally against it. Heart and pregnancy hormones telling me to see what happens. Can't stop crying. Phoned one of the helplines this morning and the women was very pleasant but didn't really seem to understand what I was going through. I have an appointment next week to take the pills but just can't envisage myself going through with it. I just want to take some mind altering drugs between now and then so that I don't think about.

Any support/advice on how to cope very much appreciated. Thanks all.

Thanks. That's it. The trade-off between emotional regret of one action compared with everything else that would go with the birth of a 3rd child. Oh so, so, difficult

Hi rosieandgym. So sorry for what you are going through. It's never an easy choice. However I had a termination and I can honestly say, hand on heart, that it was the right decision for me. I have never regretted it.

The most difficult part was reconciling my hormonal and intellectual responses to the pregnancy. Like you, my head and my DP (now DH) said 'No' and my hormones said 'Yes'. In all honesty, once the decision was made and the termination was over, all I felt was relief.

But you are not me. Whatever you choose to do, I wish you the best. And having had a high forceps delivery, internal damage and a child in intensive care as a result, I totally sympathise with your reasoning. It's not something I would ever willingly put myself through again either.

I think you should have the baby.

Tremendous advice from rasputin. If you do decide to go ahead with the pregnancy, could you ask for an elective section and then have your tubes tied at the same time?
it is your right to choose, don't be swayed by anyone else, choose what is right for you. I know which way I would go.
Good luck either way.

BTW My post was to see what your gut feeling was to it - whether you felt relief or panic/worry. I certainly was not telling you what to do (though I can see it could read that way.)

Does your dh want you to terminate because of the traumatic births? If that is the main reason, then remember there is always the option of an elective CS. Electives can be calm and non-distressing. You do not need to suffer.

Ultimately the decision to terminate must be yours - your body, your choice. But, OTOH, the decision to continue must be a joint decision with your dh. Is it about whether you can afford 3, or whether you will be able to share yourselves between 3?

No personal experience of your exact situation, but try looking at a big picture rather than the next 9 months only. With your complicated history you would no doubt get best treatment. Would you deny your other two a sibling? Would you be both wondering what s/he would have been like?
If I had this choice, I would go with the flow.

Sorry to hear you've had a couple of really bad pregnancy/birth experiences. I can see how that would input into your decision-making.

Have the docs said you are likely to have problems with another pregnancy? Or could a third be a totally different experience? As others have said an elective section could be the way to go.

Can you discuss all the options with a hospital consultant before you take any decision? They might be able to be very reassuring and relieve you of much of this fear and stress.

I know your emotions are understandably running high at the moment but can you step back and more objectively decide that you can survive the pregnancy and it would be worth it to enjoy the life of this new baby?

All the very best.

I got an abortion in april. Pregnancy was a huge shock, not planned atall.

I really understand how you feel. Was a massive decision for us too. I had 2 very awful pergnancies with my dc. I knew if I went ahead with having the baby my dc's would miss out on having me around for 9 months as, although I'd be with them, I'd be pratically incapable of taking care of them.

Also they're at an age where dh and I can do alot of activities and sports with them that would be impratical or impossible with a baby, so as Rasputin says, we felt it would be detrimental to the children we already have.

There was a couple of other factors too, dh and I weren't too strong as a couple at the time, and long term I couldn't do the job I do just now with a baby, so there would be alot of financial strain.

I don't think I slept for about a week tossing everything around in my head. As others have said, everything was leaning toward an abortion, but deep down I wanted my baby.

In the end, I choose to terminate. I had a surgical abortion. It was the right thing to do for my family long term.

I do still struggle with it emotianally though. I was a wreck for about 2 weeks after, and dh really didn't understand all hte emotions involved so I felt I had no support atall. (was also on a self imposed ban from here so didn't have any online support). My baby would have been due this month and I do think about it alot, but then I think of all the things I'm doing with my dc's and what it would have taken away from them.

Only you can decide on your circumstances, but I know how you feel just now.

I am sorry you are in this position. Have you spoken to your Family Planning Clinic? I was pg last year, and the situation was ghastly. It was a total shock to find a line on a pee-stick, and awful having to have scans to see if it was for real.

I really felt as though my body had been hijacked, and I really didn't like the idea of having an abortion. The family planning clinic were fantastically supportive.

In the event, I miscarried, which, awful as it probably sounds, was a great relief.

There are no right answers, and it is a great thing that safe abortions are available.

I hope things pan out well for you.

Just want to clarify, I thought the second post of rasputin's was really helpful.

If you think about the pg and life with 3 dcs as seperate, do you stll come yto the same decision for both?

You have to think about YOU. How will you cope physically?

There are many posts here from mums who have had vaginal repairs for prolapse etc and if you have had forceps and another difficult birth ( caes.) then it is possible that your body would not cope well with another pg.

I had a repair after 2 easy births and decided- for all other reasons too- that I'd never have a 3rd.

If you took all steps necessary to avoid the pg- eg the morning after pill- your mind was already made up.

I have no personal experience, sorry, but I do have a very close friend who had a termination using pills, when she was pg at the wrong time of her marriage- that was roughly 10 years back. It looked as if they would split up but didn't- however, now she has regrets about having no children- she is too old and past meno- but she still believes it was the right choice at the time not to go ahead.

I think you need to ask yourself do you have the energy, financial resources and time to give a 3rd child for another 18 years, at least? What impact would a thrid child have on your life?

Back from a freezing cold trip to the park en famille, to find that broadband down so sorry for delay in my response.

Thank you to everyone for your replies. They have helped so much, more than I could have hoped. Hearing from people that have been in the same situation, made their decision and not regretted it has made me think that it will be ok, whatever we decide to do.

Rasputin thanks for your 2nd reply. Really made me think and for the first time realise that my main reason for not wanting a 3rd child is the relationship with my dh. He told me recently that he feels he has just got his wife back after nearly 4 years of conceiving/pregnancies/births and breastfeeding. Having kids is all consuming for me. Up until my dc are at least a year I don?t seem to have the time/emotional capacity to deal with my dc and dh and invariably it?s dh that loses out. We?re finally getting back to ?us? and then this happens. What doesn?t break you, makes you stronger but my dh is being the rational voice and whilst I know that a 3rd child could be detrimental to us as a family my hormones are in full flow and I?m thinking of solutions and ways that we could make it work. It doesn?t make it any easier that I?m a ?fate? girl and am struggling with the fact that this was meant to be as we got pg when the odds were really stacked against it.

Bizarrely the pregnancy and birth is not part of my thought processes at all. Hormones doing their trick there then? I had already worked out the c-section solution in my head.

Prettycandles to answer your question. Financially it would be really tough, as last month I left a full time job of 7 years to work part time in a temporary contract, but I?m sure we?d cope?. I?m not scared of splitting my love between 3, I suppose your heart just grows again to accommodate!

So, I think I know what the solution is, I just need to get my head in the right place and like you say slug reconcile my hormonal and intellectual responses so that I can confidently go next week and say what our decision is with no regrets.

I felt so alone this morning. Thanks to you all for your advice, thoughts and support. A problem shared is a problem halved. How true.

Hi, i had an abortion gestation 4-5wks. They gave me the pill as i was early. its pretty painful sitting there waiting for a miscarry to happen, you get bad cramps but i was 25 and it looked like i was in more pain than the rest of the girls. I felt sick, had loose bowel with the pill, numbed any control i had of my midsection.
Its a tough choice. But do what you think is best for you, nobody else.
I had the abortion due to extreme ciscumstances, but i am a muslim having an abortion is not soemthing that is seen lightly. I felt really guilty for thinking about it, i researched on so many islamic websites if somewhere i can see if it was ok. But then i sat down on my own and thought i have to do this, i looked at my future and current situation it was only wise to have it aborted.
But i have to say i am now 27 and i feel so guilty, sad, and emotional thinking about the tiny thing. Everytime i remember i try to shake it out of my head. I visualise how old it would be now, i look at my empty room and think what if it was different.
Remember that everyone is different, you might not experience what i am experiencing. Think about it hard. But nobody will judge you, you and only you know how bad your situation is.

I understand x

Thanks Rasputin
I hope my comment has helped rosieandgym

one thing you have said which is very true is, 'everything happens for a reason'
i tell myself i did what was best and am trying to concieve #1 hopefully its soon rather than later.
xx

Thanks rasputin and kairo.

Kairo - please don't have regrets. You were in a place where that was the right decision. All things happen for a reason and now you are in a place where you can try for a baby for all the right reasons. I wish you all the best.

Hi there. Only you can decide but if it helps, I too reeled at the third unexpected pregnancy I had. After a few days I stopped crying and started thinking more logically. You then decide what is right for you. I was petrified - what I was worried about most was not having enough love for three, lack of money and the effect on my two first children in that (bizarrly I now realise) I was worried that the little inheritance they would get from us would be reduced further!!! Also day to day there would be less time and money for them. But we went for it as I knew that whilst logical, emotionally I was not ready to terminate and that in the long term I would suffer. It was the right decision for us - your decision may be different, but it will be right for you. good luck.

Thanks frogetyfrog. Well your thoughts are very close to ours now bizarrely. Rasputin thank you so much for your thoughts. We doing so much better. DH has had more time to think things through and I think that we're going to just see what happens. Reality is that when we started really talking about it we discovered that emotionally neither of us currently feel that we could go through with it (exactly as you say frogetyfrog). I'm going to see a counsellor tomorrow to discuss my feelings but at the moment much more emotionally stable.