help with bulimia recovery

[littlelamb]

I posted last week about finally feeling that I was recovering from bulimia, and I was so hopeful but I don't know what's happened. I feel like I'm starting to slip, which is such a disappointment. I knew this wouldn't be easy, but I didn't expect to slip so soon, and it's really got me down. I'm managing to resist actually being sick, but I don't know how long I can keep that up. I just hate that I can't control the things that trigger this. I'm a full time uni student and I can't afford to pay dd's nursery bill. I don't know where the money's gone I feel so stupid because I bought a new pushchair as a treat for dd and me last week and now it looks like I'll have to sell it and I feel guilty that dd will never have anything nice. Will I ever beat this bloody thing? I'm sorry, I just feel really cheated by it all, and I hate being like this

hello llittlelamb sorry things arent so great for you right now-i dont have any experience of bulimia but i do have experience of addiction(which i wouldsay is very is similar psychologically) and yes of course it can be beaten you can regain control its not a breeze but it gets easier until one day you will be able to look back and not even recognise yourself as that person who did(whatever) -you sound like your doing well do you have any support ?

LL I read your post and was glad for you. Nothing has changed. Of course some days you wake up and feel equal to anything, other days you focus on money worries, anything else. The important thing is to step aside and say yes, I'm worried about money, but I don't need to throw up to deal with this. I'll sit down and make a list of everything practical I need to tackle and I'll work through it one at a time. I CAN do this. Binging and throwing up is a distraction I don't need, it has held me back in my life and it's not going to any more, it's not going to stop me dealing with my problems head on, thereby creating more problems. I will graduate, and I WILL have a good future for dd and for me. try it?

I know that that makes sense but the more I think about it the more guilty I feel for having dd in my situation. I wouldn't be without her now, but I just feel bad that she'll have to go without. I know that's not important, I grew up in a poor family and I managed to get uni off my own back, but this is a very rich university and I just feel that I've brought all this on myself. I literally don't know what to do, I've been having panic attacks today when I think I have to find £1800 from somewhere, and its my fault that I dont have it

For goodness sake you are a loving mother to your dd and you are working hard for the two of you. Please please don't ever say you feel guilty for having her. She is a gift to you, and you in return are giving her the most important things in life, love, strong moral and intellectual values, courage and ambition. You sound like a mum to be proud of. Why not telephone the University and make an appointment to discuss the finances. Maybe with someone in your own Department who is sympathetic and who could liaise with their accounts people on your behalf. Of course you will need to pay them somehow but there could be a way of doing this manageably, I don't know of any University that would fail to at least try and help their students in case of hardship. There may be bursaries etc that you don't know about. Talk to them tomorrow! I work in a Uni and if one of our students came to me I would do my utmost to help.

Thank you x I will see someone tomorrow. I guess I just feel silly asking for help, but I know i have no other choice.

It is not silly to ask for help when help is there and available to you. I wouldn't think badly of anyone who came to me with a problem like this in fact I would respect them for broaching it.
Are you feeling a bit more in control tonight, and will you let me know how you get on tomorrow?

I think logically I know this will be worked out somehow, so yes, I am feeling calmer tonight. Managed a proper tea. I'm just going to be honest with them and say all I can afford to pay is about 300 pounds right now and ask to pay the rest in installments. If I try and pay it all now I'll be short on rent and the last thing I need is to be evicted! Dd has a full time place which lasts about another 6 weeks I think, so do you think maybe they'll let me take her out for those weeks and not let me pay them? I can only ask i guess. Thanks for your help, I just need someone to help me see things logically sometimes.

Can you manage with dd for the full 6
weeks? do you have exams to concentrate on?
If not, then ask! they can only say no.
And negotiate your payments as you suggest. It sounds immensely workable.
Glad you managed not to get sidetracked into food issues, you should be proud of yourself! see, you ARE beating this! this was the first challenge, and you overcame it, you can do anything now!
Talk on here anytime. I would say CAT me but I can't access my email as dp has mucked around with our phone lines. I will look out for you on here, certainly - I will check this thread tomorrow to see how you got on. It is always easy to be logical about someone else's issues. I know what a drain eating probs can be, believe me - I would hate to think of them wasting any of your and dd's bright future.

how goes it LL?

Hi littlelamb - I can't offer anything constructive re your financial situation but please don't feel you can't beat bulimia...I suffered from it badly in my early-mid 20's but completely recovered. I'm now in my mid 30's and its 8 years since I had any relapse at all. It doesn't even figure in my thoughts anymore..your message jogged my memory for the first time in years. So you can beat it...but don't be too hard on yourself, I had many many false starts and then one day I got over it almost without realising. Hold onto the strong thoughts you had last week and at any other times. I don't have alot of practical advice on beating it as its something which is so unique to people's own circumstances but thought it may help to hear that it can be beaten. Just don't imagine a future where this will always be a problem because life never really turns out how you think it will and often its alot better!! I would NEVER have thought one day I would be pregnant and not give a second thought to my food intake and weight..

take care and I hope things get better for you.