Oh soapy, I really wrote all of those things myself. BTW no such thing as TMI on here so please don't apologise.
I had an "accident" in a department store when DD was a few months old (less than 6). I was with a friend and had to tell her what had happened. She watched DD while I took the change bag into the toilets and put one of DDs nappies on. I had to call DH to leave work and get me. I understand the humiliation of incontinence.
My DH also used to refer to my body as having been "butchered". I found this incredibly upsetting and he couldn't see why. We had joint therapy last year and the therapist managed to explain to him why I hated it. He has never said it since. He may call the hospital butchers - that doesn't upset me in the same way. I was worried about how he saw my body and we have discussed how our life will be once I have a colostomy bag. He says he doesn't care but I imagine it will take serious adjustment.
I felt old after becoming incontinent. I felt un-sexy (though sex was painful anyway so it didn't matter too much). I felt like everyone knew.
How much control do you have? Can you go out?
I found the pain awful and partly so because I couldn't explain to people why I was in so much pain. I remember going to visit DHs brother and his wife - a 3 hour car journey at the time. I was in agony by the time we got there at 8pm. I just wanted to lie on my side and cry. I asked DH if he could speak to his Dbro and ask if I could have a cup of tea with some painkillers and go to bed. They said no, they didn't allow drinks upstairs. So I just cried myself to sleep.
DH said I should have just explained but I didn't want to have to tell them anything so personal.
I did eventually opt for surgery but this was a mixed bag. Success in terms of continence but came with more pain and a bulge into my vagina which made sitting painful.
I was then put forward for a trial of sacral nerve stimulation which uses electrical impulses to make damaged muscles in my sphincter work harder. This worked very well for me but I changed surgeons and my new one suggested I leave it for a couple of years to see how my body healed on its own before going for the permanent implant. I agreed and over the next 9 months things improved on their own.
I know this seems like so long to wait but I suppose what I am saying is that things are probably at their worst now. Its hard to think positively and look after a newborn whilst looking after everyone else too.
What's your next step?
If I were you, and this is only a suggestion, I would make an appointment to see a female GP and explain the situation to her. Tell her you're having flashbacks to the birth every day and that you think you need some counselling. I felt 100 times better just having someone who worked for the NHS (our counsellor) believe me. I'd been fobbed off by MW, HVs and a GP before then. It seemed to be that everyone thought "this is just part of birth, get on with it". Its not, don't suffer.
I also read a book called Birth Crisis by Sheila Kitzinger which helped me immensely.
I would also call PALS at the hospital, explain that your consultant offered to talk to you about the traumatic birth but you haven't been able to arrange anything since and you would like a birth debriefing. The consultant at mine apologised for the way I had been treated and said that he believed that I shouldn't have left his unit in the state I did. This helped with the anger I had built up over the 12 months it took me to arrange the debriefing.
And if it is too soon to go out and discuss this then keep posting here until you're ready.