At what point is it okay to say 'I give up'?

[snafu]

Probably shouldn't be posting this and will really regret it.

Is it ever okay to wash your hands of someone you're supposed to love and support? If they absolutely refuse point-blank to get help for their problems - if they've told you over and over again that there's no hope for them and all offers of help/advice/support/therapy are useless - even so, it's wrong to take them at their word isn't it? And even if their problems are taking over your life, and messing with your own mental health, if you're still stronger and healthier than them and you love them and want to them to get better, you have to hang in there don't you?

I am so close to walking out on a situation because the person who needs the help just won't take it, not from me, not from professionals, not from anyone. What to do?

I'd rather die than put ds through anything like this. And I've said (screamed) as much to her more than once. But otoh, she's really ill, and she's my mum and I love her and don't want to turn my back on her.

Xh is just coming down the drive with ds so I'd better go, but thank you all. I am such a mess, but thanks

You're not a mess Snafu, you're incredibly tough. This must be killing you, particularly as it sounds like it's been going on for some time.

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Oh Snafu - I'm really, really sorry to hear about all this.

Me too. I am really not sure what to say that will help any. I remember you posting about this situation before under your old name. Can xh not help out with rent/deposit on a flat for you and ds?

Don't worry ggg, I know you didn't mean that! Think she's just so deep in her depression etc she can't see that anyone else might be finding it hard going.

Marina, not a chance of that. He's still got to pay me back the grand and a half I lent him for his deposit...

snafu - you say she will not accept help - but she's accepting help from you isn't she? Maybe not the help that she needs or that you wish you could give her, but you being there is an emotional crutch for her.
I think you need to leave, and not feel guilty about it. Anything she does is her "fault" not yours. And without you there to be the pair of tights that Blu described, you might find that she finally sinks so low that she is ready to accept help. You are not good for her at the moment - because you are not able to make her address her real problem (I know it's not through want of trying) Your ds will cope with the upheaval - probably better than you will. Could you stay with your Dad for a while?

Oh dear is your dad a possibility?

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Oh love, I'm so sorry.
I know we had similar probs, my father wouldn't go in for treatment, he had alcohol dependancy as well, and long-term dependance on old style ADs. We actually got some respite only when he turned violent (often in drink) and got him sectioned only after the police had to intervene.

In your case I can see that you feel you have to get out. I don't know what to suggest tho'. If you go to the council as homeless you may end up in a B&B alongside someone as bad as your mother.

I echo prufrock, try MIND or Sane on 0845 767 8000, who say their aims include help and support for the relatives of those with mental health problems.

I do feel for you. I just about cut off contact with my father for about his last 3 years, which was heartbreaking, but necessary to maintain my sanity, and my marriage. My mother also used to be more stressed knowing how much my father upset me, so my lack of contact with him was a reflief for her (altho I always felt I let her down, not being able to offer her support in dealing with him.

XXX

Snafu, I remember this from before, no advice but just wanted to say sorry this is still awful and I'm thinking of you.

snafu, I'm really feeling for you, I'm in a similar situation with my mum,Since before dad died she has had mental health problems,we made a decision a few years ago to move a very long way away,(for us, not to leave her) and although she still has problems including reguarly telling me on the phone life's not worth living , when we do see her now , we have a much nicer relationship.
Is it possible to just take some time out, don't give up on her completely, always be there for her, but give yourself some space for a few days ?

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Oh essbee, hun, I'm really sorry this thread has made you feel rotten - I have tried to avoid posting anything about it over the last few months but have had an utterly miserable week and really needed a vent. I will give MIND another go - I did contact them last year and they sent me a few leaflets but I'll give them another try.

I do hate threads where people post miserably and then backpedal but I'm afraid I'm going to a bit. I just don't know if I can leave. The upheaval - uprooting ds (4th time since he was born? he loves it here with nanny and grandpa), leaving my dad to cope on his own, the fallout when xh gets to know about it. And the practical considerations, money, where will I live, I'll have to give up uni probably? Is it worth all of that? I'm going to give the doctor a call on Monday and get him to come round and see her again but won't tell her so she doesn't have a chance to put on her 'public face'...

THank you for being there, everyone. You don't know how much I appreciate it.

...and btw essbee, don't think you're going to get out of another booze-fest with me as soon as you feel up to it, young lady

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