mum's in hospital and no one is really telling me anything - can someone help?

[TheArmadillo]

My mum's been in hospital for about 5 days so far following a car crash. It was caused by her fainting at the wheel. I was told (by sister) that she hadn't been hurt but they needed to find out why she had fainted.

I haven't been able to see her and have now been told I can't go tomorrow (when I was planning to). I've spoken to her everyday but she just says they're running tests and have no answers yet.

Last night my sister said 'oh she was in a lot more pain today so they increased her morphine drip'.

a) I didn't know she was in pain - so it looks like more is going on than I know about.

and b) Morphine! please tell me sister must have got that wrong. Unless my mum is serioiusly ill and they haven't told me. But she's been fine to talk on the phone and I can't believe she really would be if she was on morphine.

Am worrying. I can't get any answers on phone. I'm now not allowed to visit.

(There is a lot of family background to this wherein relationships with my family have not been great to say the least).

On top of it all dp is probably losing his job next week (we're going to eb compeltely screwed) and the cat (who we gave to SIL when we moved about 6 weeks ago) is dying.

I don't think I can take much more.

So sorry

Are you able to call the hospital yourself and ask to speak to the nurse in charge? As long as your Mum has given them consent to talk to you, you might get a clearer understanding of what is going on

Why can't you go tomorrow? Is it a family issue?

who says you can't visit?

Who says you can't go?
She would be on morphine if she had sustained serious injuries - did she break something?
Phone and ask to speak to the ward sister/charge nurse; tell them you are her daughter, you cannot visit and you have no idea what's going on. You may find they are a bit more reasonable in giving you information if they know the background.

I'm sure you can visit. There may be a policy of no more than 2 people at the same time but you'll be able to visit.

Morphine isn't really a desperate measure type of painkiller in hospital. Lots of people get oral morphine top ups for pain (on top of regular pain relief). It can give confusion in some people.

I hope your mum is well.

I can't go because one of my aunt's is visiting from overseas and is going with my dad and apparently they are allowed a maximum of 2 visitors so I have been told I can't visit her. When I have been speaking to her she kept saying (during the week) 'oh I'll be out tomorrow' 'They can't keep me in I'll be home' and I thought she would only be in a day or so and then I'd visit as soon as she got home.

I know which hospital she is in but not any more than that. If I phone up and they are told then that will make them furious and I risk
a) not being told at all
and
b) Things kicking and putting a hell of a lot more stress on my mum.

BUt if she's not out after weekend I think I might anyway. That will be a week she's been in and as she hates hospital it worries me that she hasn't just walked out (like she's threatened and is quite likely to do under normal cirumstances).

They told me she wasn't hurt at all from the crash and that she was only there to find out why she fainted. Also they keep telling me they aren't told anything. As per usual with them I suspect a lot more is going on than I am being told but any attempt to find out will just blow everything up.

I doubt they would hear that you had called what with all the shift changes
Just don't telephone during visiting hours

could you ask your mum when you call her? Or is she keeping things from you too?

Definately call and ask nurses how she really is. If anyone finds out you called (which is unlikely) then justg say you couldn't get hold of her on her phone (maybe she was sleeping) and rang ward instead.
morphine isn't a major thing, I know a few people who have been given it for painful but not serious injuries IYSWIM so don't panic too much.

thanks thats reassuring about the morphine and the calling. I call her tomorrow and if I still don't get told anything I'll find out the ward and phone up.

Just had call to say cat had to be put down. SIL is very upset (and worried that ds will think she can't look after cats as he gave her the 3rd degree before she took her) and ds will prob be in morning.

mum won't tell me anything - she sees illness as weakness so prefers not to talk about it.

Dad won't say anything because he doesn't.

And my (younger) sister patronises me like a 3 yo and I have to bite my tongue cos if I upset her she'll run to my mum and put pressure on her.

It's all generally fucked up adn this has added a new level of fuckedupness.

Oh dear TheA, what a shitty week for you, I'm so sorry.
My mum was in hospital after passing out at home and she was put on morphine as she whacked her head on the wall and landed funnily. I rang the ward and spoke to her nurse as I am 250 miles away and couldn't get to the hospital. They were happy to let me know what was happening, I did ring at night (about this time) though when the patients were mostly sleeping so they had time for a chat.

You could still go to the hospital, that would be the easiest way of finding out. You can visit and even if there are 2 people are already at the bed, most hospitals will allow another visitor as long as you are keeping quiet iyswim.
If not, then ask your Dad or Aunt to go for a coffee while you see your Mum.
Don't let the rest of your family bully you, you have just as much right to visit as your Aunt and Dad.

I would go and see her, it only means 2 visitors at a time and are they really going to stay the whole of the visiting time

You sound like you get on with your mother so your sister has no right to tell you not to visit

I remember reading some of your other threads, is this possibly some kind of control thing like before?

Maybe you need to try to stop worrying, you know she is well enough to speak, you know that she has family with her. Maybe limit yourself to one call a day or every couple of days and see if that changes teh situation and if they start calling you to give you information rather than expecting you to call them - if you see what I mean.

Also - if she really is ill then the hospital is the best place for her. Just having remembered some of your other threads on this issue perhaps they are creating drama to get a reaction?

So sorry that your mum is not well and that you're struggling to find our what's going on.

I thought our family generally talked quite well, but my Dad has been in hospital for an op recently and we got into all sorts of arguements and misunderstandings.

One thing that was very clear in hospital is that staff can be very unforthcoming unless you ask very direct questions. My dad and step-mum were nurses (now retired) and they couldn't understand why they weren't told things. My sister who works in (another) hospital always found out stuff because she found out who to ask her questions of - senior nurse, consultant etc.

Do consider ringing, your family would at 'worst' only find out that you rang to find out how your mum was. You might find out more than your family know if you drop lucky and get a senior nurse/dr.

Also, Dad's hospital had the same two visitor policy but actually were fairly relaxed about it. And if you visit tomorrow, your Dad could leave the bedside for 10 mins while you see your Mum couldn't he?

Best wishes.

thanks for these.

I think part of not telling me is to make a point but tbh at this point I'm just exhuasted of all this and everything else I'm not thinking straight.

I am going to go to a friend's tomorrow for the day and try adn sort myself out a bit adn then come back to it all on monday and work out what to do.

I have thought about not calling them, but I'm worried that then I won't hear anything. I can't rely on them (past history has proved that). Plus it feels like a test almost.

SOrry not makign much sense. I need a bit of time out tomorrow to work out what the hell is going on.