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Original poster

Fell out with friends over DH smoking - should I leave DH?

20 replies

mommycat · 02/03/2009 23:55

Right.... since most people are anti-smoking, especially most parents, i am probably the one being unreasonable here... but i need to get this out or i will be up all night...

to make a long story short... DH has been a chain smoker for 27 years. his father is also a chain smoker (now 83 and still going strong but NOT a drinker or overweight which my DH is)

mid January DH was admitted to hospital with heart failure. he is 48. he has been told he will live IF he stops drinking and smoking. he has been home for a month.

in the 6 weeks since then, he has had about 4 cigarettes and ZERO drinks.

some friends asked me how he was doing. i mentioned that he slipped up on the smoking. DH is finding the smoking part harder. with drink, as long as he doesn't have the first drink. he's not going to drink. by avoiding all social situations he has managed, so far, not to drink. (so far he is coping ok with having no social life, though he went out with another dad during the day one day and had 2 cigarettes - i guess i should not even let him out of my site for 5 seconds , huh)

the question is, i guess, should i encourage the good behaviour and look at the positive aspects -NO DRINKS! - OR should i be like my friends and say i don't want to see DH because he slipped up and had a few cigarettes? Am i being unreasonable for trying to help rather than severely punish some small mistakes?

DH is in counselling for alcohol but so far has had only patches for smoking, no counselling yet, but he has agreed to start some.

i guess i am just feeling upset that these friends seem to blame me for DH having a few cigarettes, and even though i told him off each time, that just isn't good enough? should I leave DH now or should give him a chance to get some help with the smoking as well as the drinking?

OP posts:

abbierhodes · 02/03/2009 23:58

I think going from chain smoking to 4 cigarettes in 6 weeks is pretty damn good.
Your friends sound very harsh, I would expect my friends to encourage, praise and support my DH if he had such an awful illness. TBH, I would not want them in his life, or mine.

hobbgoblin · 03/03/2009 00:00

Nagging and 'punishment' is soooo not going to help. You have been supportive and you are both doing fine. Ignore friends. Have you thought about speaking to a cessation advisor yourself on how best to support?

LauriefairycakeeatsCupid · 03/03/2009 00:01

get new friends or at least ones more empathetic.

Your dh is doing a fantastic job going from chain-smoking to 4. It's incredibly hard to give up smoking.

DeeBlindMice · 03/03/2009 00:04

I'm confused, do you mean leave him to it or actually leave him?

You are doing really well in supporting him and it can't be easy when you must be worried sick. You are not in the same position as your friends. They can do the tough love thing but you are his wife so you just get to do the love thing. You know him better than anyone, so don't let them make you question what you feel is right.

Might be worth talking to his addiction counsellor about how you can help him and things you might innocently do that would be unhelpful.

Original poster

mommycat · 03/03/2009 00:09

Well when he was in hospital I said that if DH went back to his old ways (heavy drinking and smoking) I would leave. But I don't think that a few cigarettes in 6 weeks is that bad. Each time he had one*, i have made it clear that he CAN NOT start smoking again. I KNOW and HE KNOWS he must not smoke. But the temptation was there. short of locking him up i can't see what to do. He is doing really well not drinking. And he used to live on the balcony smoking. Now even his skin looks so much better for not being outside all the time.

Thanks for your supportive messages.

(*I can tell as i smell it on his neck, if you can believe it. i have such a keen sense of smell, even if he smoked one cigarette the skin smells. )

OP posts:

DeeBlindMice · 03/03/2009 00:24

Well he hasn't gone back to his old ways. I'm sure nobody would suggest that it would be in his interests for you to leave him now.

Try to ignore friends you feel are blaming you. They love him too and are probably feeling confused and helpless. Not that it excuses them from being fully supportive of you, but they might be trying to help in a really cack-handed way. As things improve and return to a new normal hopefully things will settle down there.

His skin might also be looking better for being 6 weeks off fags and booze

Mumcentreplus · 03/03/2009 00:27

As I smoker would say he's doing extremely well...keep praising his efforts he trying very hard...I gave up smoking during the day and it was very hard...I smoke about 3/4 a day now and I hope to give up completely soon...keep doing what you do hun...

elkiedee · 03/03/2009 00:30

Why are your "friends" having a go over this? I really hope my dp won't start smoking again, and I'd no doubt go mad with him if he did, though he hasn't been so ill with it, but that's because he's given up and started again several times before. If your dh has only had so few cigs, he's doing very well.

Original poster

mommycat · 03/03/2009 00:45

One friend's parents both died when the friend was in his 20s, from smoking related illness. In your 20s is pretty young to lose parents I guess.

Most people, including me, don't understand addiction. But I am struggling to do so. For most of us we reach an age where our bodies say no, an age when we just don't have as many drinks or smoke any more cos it makes us feel awful. But an addict doesn't think that way. Ad addict doesn't 'think', they just keep doing the thing they are addicted to.

Well done to anyone who is a heavy smoker and managed to cut down or stop.

OP posts:

Cocobear · 03/03/2009 01:12

I think you've both done brilliantly. But careful not to fall into a trap of you being the one to police his behaviour - my MIL is in this situation, and everyone blames her if my diabetic FIL overeats or drinks. Like it's her fault! Heaven forbid when the poor man does eventually die, she'll be the one who 'killed' him.

So... wondering if maybe you could use some couselling too. You're in a very difficult position, I think, and you're doing so well. But as much as you want to help your DH, of course it's ultimately up to him to keep himself healthy.

All the best to both of you.

MadamDeathstare · 03/03/2009 01:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

mommycat · 04/03/2009 21:05

Thank you for your answers and support. We're finding this very difficult, and I was taken aback when our friends reacted so strongly to a few little slip ups. 4 cigarettes in 6 weeks in very good going.

DH is finding the cigarettes a lot more difficult than the booze as he was more of a binge drinker than a constant drinker. By not having the first drink he can get through it. But he used to smoke all the time so that's a lot harder.

Cocobar, that sounds awful about your MIL but I think I am in the same situation. I have even been blamed for DH's drinking when he had a problem before I met him (ah, isn't love blind, deaf and dumb.)

OP posts:

southeastastra · 04/03/2009 21:07

patches are good, so is the inhaler, i wish him luck

LackaDAISYcal · 04/03/2009 21:18

I think keep on supporting your DH and ditch your overly judgemental friends!

OK, so it's serious stuff and his life is at stake here, but to only have had four cigs in six weeks and no alcohol after being a heavy smoker and drinker for 27 years is some achievement imo as they are both pretty serious addictions.

I'm not surprised things have been difficult as the illness itself is stressful enough without the complete lifestyle change he is going through.

Good Luck to both of you

onepieceofcremeegg · 04/03/2009 21:22

Wishing you and your dh lots of luck.

My exh was obese (he became my ex for reasons completely unrelated to his obesity btw)

Surprising how many people felt it was my fault so I can identify with you a tiny bit. Once I happened to attend a GP appt with him (not sure why) and the GP said in a very patronising and inappropriate tone that I should be careful what I fed him.

Stay close to friends that are supportive, not ones that make very unhelpful comments.

FairLadyRantALot · 04/03/2009 21:34

I am sorry to hear about your situation!
I thin your dh really seems to be doing well and hope he will continue to do so!

As for your freinds comments...tbh, your dh is a grown man and only HE can take responsibility for what he does, you can support him and be there for him, but that is it....I think, nagging him would, if anything be counterproductive

noonki · 04/03/2009 21:35

Sounds like a really stressful situation for you both.

He is doing really well.

Get him to a recommended hypnotysit I was a complete sceptic, and it stopped me smoking for 6 months before I got pregnant (havent smoked since) -

He had to know he can't have the occasional one. He sounds like me (a bit of an addictive personality).

save some of the money he is not spending and treat him (and yourself) - it will be LOADS!

Get a new interest, something he has always wanted to do but never got round to.

when he starts going out again (it is possible to go out and not drink!) go withn him, for the first few times to help him when it gets tough

Ignore those friends they can't understand how hard it is for you all.

Hope his health improves, how very scary for you both.

noonki · 04/03/2009 21:35

Sounds like a really stressful situation for you both.

He is doing really well.

Get him to a recommended hypnotysit I was a complete sceptic, and it stopped me smoking for 6 months before I got pregnant (havent smoked since) -

He had to know he can't have the occasional one. He sounds like me (a bit of an addictive personality).

save some of the money he is not spending and treat him (and yourself) - it will be LOADS!

Get a new interest, something he has always wanted to do but never got round to.

when he starts going out again (it is possible to go out and not drink!) go withn him, for the first few times to help him when it gets tough

Ignore those friends they can't understand how hard it is for you all.

Hope his health improves, how very scary for you both.

noonki · 04/03/2009 21:35

Sounds like a really stressful situation for you both.

He is doing really well.

Get him to a recommended hypnotysit I was a complete sceptic, and it stopped me smoking for 6 months before I got pregnant (havent smoked since) -

He had to know he can't have the occasional one. He sounds like me (a bit of an addictive personality).

save some of the money he is not spending and treat him (and yourself) - it will be LOADS!

Get a new interest, something he has always wanted to do but never got round to.

when he starts going out again (it is possible to go out and not drink!) go withn him, for the first few times to help him when it gets tough

Ignore those friends they can't understand how hard it is for you all.

Hope his health improves, how very scary for you both.

Original poster

mommycat · 05/03/2009 18:01

So just to update anyone who was listening... DH got an email from this friend, the one who so angry about the 'odd cigarette'. If you read this it is understandable. It also makes things better; DH feels better that the friend has explained himself and his reasons for being so militant about even one cigarette being too many.

"When I heard that you'd been smoking I was angry, you'd been doing so well. You know that all my family die prematureley of heart problems caused by smoking. I think my Dad had a difficulties with addiction after he had his first heart problems, five month's later came the heart attack/brain heamorage which killed him. My mum discovered he'd been having the "odd cigarette" here and there."

Thanks

OP posts:

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